AIBU about what the teacher said

[247mummsy]

My son is 6, his teacher seems sweet but I’ve heard from other mums having been told from their children that she shouts and is quite stern, my son also says this. I don’t mind her being stern. My son can be quite sensitive, but the other day he bumped heads with someone and cried, and she said ‘you cry too much’. When he told me this his eyes filled up. AIBU to think a teacher shouldn’t be saying this to a 6 year old? Or am I being too sensitive?

Not sure I agree Lumpy. I think its important for children to learn emotional regulation. Crying at every minor upset is not intrinsically more healthy a response than sulking, snatching or stamping your feet. Yes everyone should be comfortable feeling and showing a range of emotions both positive and negative - sadness, anger, resentment, hsppiness, amusement - but they should be appropriately and proportionally expressed and kids need to learn how to do this.

Thanks for the comments, I know I heard it second hand which is the reason I asked other Mums with children in the same class what their children had said.
That still doesn't change the fact that the comment has quite possibly been reported back as what your son heard and took to heart, rather than the verbatim comment, complete with tone and body language.

If the teacher has commented, he obviously cries more than the average classmate, and if you say he only cries when hurt, this indicates he's being hurt on a regular basis, which you really should follow up by asking the teacher, don't you think?

BarbarianMum
I think you're right that good emotional regulation and resilience should be the aim. If you have those then you won't be crying much during the course of an average day - because you'll be able to see the small mishaps and fallings out etc as the temporary issues they are and you'll feel capable of overcoming them. The problem is for children who haven't developed those skills yet the crying is a symptom of the underlying issue, so it wouldn't be healthy to stop them crying (but still feeling overwhelmed by little bumps in the road). You'd want to help them see that actually they do have the ability to calm down and overcome whatever the little issue is.

If it happened like he said (which I wouldn’t necessarily assume it did as 6 year olds can be unreliable!) I would be very annoyed with her.

I understand it’s frustrating if you have to listen to a child cry all the time about things you perceive to be silly but Christ he’s 6! That’s no way to talk to a child, she should know better and should be more professional.

Thanks all, he doesn’t cry if he doesn’t get his own way or anything, and doesn’t disrupt the class, he’s a kind boy, the previous teachers in year 1 and 2 used to say how polite and kind he was, they never said about crying when I went to parents evening, this teacher I would say is more impatient and quite scatty, and it’s only if he hurts himself like a bump or scuffed knees. He can’t run properly so does end up falling over sometimes, he doesn’t cry at comments from other children that say you can’t run fast (I’ve heard them say it) so guess he’s not sensitive to that as I just tell him we’re all good at different things.

Oh good grief....emotional regulation blah blah and we wonder why we have a population riddled with mental health conditions!!!

he doesn’t cry at comments from other children

But you said in your op that he started crying telling you the teacher said he cried too much.

and we wonder why we have a population riddled with mental health conditions!!!

I would say it was the opposite tbh, I might be harsh but my kids were told to get a grip if they were blubbering for no reason, they are well balanced with no mental issues.

There was a girl in ds class all through primary and she cried all the time,I often wonder how she is getting on in high school, her classmates were just about sick of it by year 6 and I'm pretty sure the teachers were too.

Some kids are, as my dad says, 'born with their bladders too close to their eyes.' They just can't help crying, if the teacher commented in a critical manner, as your son is 6, you can't know for sure, but you know the teacher and say she's nice, I would just make a breezy enquiry at pick time:

Miss X, we've noticed that son is a little more sensitive than usual at home at the mo. Are you noticing similar here? We are working on exprssing things differently, do you have any suggestions?

If she says no, then you can infer tht your son just got the wrong end of what she said. If she says yes, she'll be happy you are addressing it and will likely give you that example and then you could say something like, he's started to get upset that people are noticing/commenting and she will likely approach him differently in future.

It could be growth changes, my youngest, (late teens) got very lively around they age, rough play and silliness, rather than tears, but I can also understand how another child, could have got so frustrated to the point of tears with the little sod, I did when he ran into a stall of stacked apples in our market.

It doesn't matter how it was said, really. It should not have been.

If it were me, I probably would bring it up just to see what she said about the incident.

I have always been a cryer !
If I’m angry I cry, if I’m upset I cry haha
If I’m happy I cry.
I can’t actually help it.
As a child this was often picked up on and even now at 27 people still talk about me being a too sensitive child but it was just who I was.
I function well as an adult

It doesn't matter how it was said, really. It should not have been.

Why not?? It's a normal part of teaching to guide them to manage emotions etc

Why not?? It's a normal part of teaching to guide them to manage emotions etc

The point is they should be managing emotions not switching them off (unless the child was just being dramatic and crying for effect) then saying "don't cry" doesn't help them. They'll feel just as upset and overwhelmed but not express it. What they need to learn (with support) is how to calm themselves down and take a proactive approach to problems. OK that went wrong/I fell over/X said something mean but it's not the end of the world and I can do XYZ about it.

Some kids are naturally more sensitive than others. It does make them more prone to getting upset and it can take them longer to control their emotions but if they're encouraged to work through their feelings it can be a great attribute too - they tend to be very empathetic and in tune with other people's feelings too.

Yes, Friedspam I get all that
and agree but the teacher said 'you cry too much' not 'don't cry'

And we still don't know the tone etc

It does sound a bit mean, and I tend to agree that it probably wouldn't have been said to a girl. However, I know how frustrating it is to deal with a child who cries over everything and anything. My DD1 (9) is still like this, and as a result, it's hard to know when to take her seriously.

I think you should definitely ask for a meeting with your DS's teacher. That way you'll find out what she actually said (you said, she's sweet so she will want to help).

Telling a child they cry too much is telling them that their feelings are not valid. It is the opposite of teaching them to manage their emotions, it's teaching them to bottle them.

It's okay to feel sad, or upset, or angry, or hurt. And it's damn well okay to cry when you are.

Sounds a bit wimpy. Nowt wrong with a bit of tough love

Telling a child they cry too much is telling them that their feelings are not valid

What a load of rubbish.

Telling a child they cry too much is telling them that their feelings are not valid

Sometimes a child's feelings are not valid though (which we are not allowed to say anymore)
I'm thinking of specific examples with my nieces and nephews where we have needed to be definitive- 'there's no such thing as ghosts' 'that was only a little fall so you're not hurt' 'i know it was a shock but it's over now'

I know people will attack this idea and OF COURSE I am not talking about any child with an AN in any way, but for most children, we need to manage how they resiliently manage their feelings, and are able to cope, with trustworthy and supportive adults around them. Being told you are not managing something right, or need to improve something seems now to be taken so personally- like no child can ever be corrected- it's worrying.

Crochet I fully agree. I grew up in a country far different and now live Half my life in similar countries and my original one plus the uk We have a young generation of weak and unwilling and cry at every tiny thing if they can get away with it.man up is a good saying.
However I only have daughters and I tell them the same as my mum told me. Get up move on and forget as no one is going to be there every time you have a little scratch.

There's a big difference between a kid hurting themselves and being over dramatic about it and the teacher saying, "You're okay" or "Ouch, I bet that hurts, but it'll feel better soon" and saying, "You cry too much".

Time for him to man up, from the sound of it.
Lol. He's 6, ffs.

Oh good grief....emotional regulation blah blah and we wonder why we have a population riddled with mental health conditions!!!

I'm not saying that some children don't cry too much, but sometimes there is more going on beneath the surface that you don't know about. I was a sensitive child and I was often told I was oversensitive, a'crybaby'.

The reality was, I was a traumatised child as a result of SA going on, both at home and at school. I was constantly accused of 'crying for nothing', so I developed the idea that my feelings didn't matter.

I'm not saying there is necessarily anything disturbing going on, but if a child cries too much, it is worth finding out why, for example bullying that you don't know about.

If the teacher was trying to teach him to 'regulate his emotions' then she would have said something like 'I bet (insert what he is doing here) is hard, maybe instead if crying you could ask someone to help you, then we know what it is you need'

I agree with PP saying 'you cry too much' is not age appropriate for this child. My DH's parents are the 'man up' type with their children (and tried it on with mine) and my DH has no idea what to do when people are upset and has no idea how to communicate when we have problems. He literally will stand there and say nothing or walk away if someone is upset, not because he doesn't want to help but because he doesn't know how.

Stoppinby but that wouldn't help if said child only cries when hurt, as OP says.