AIBU about what the teacher said

[247mummsy]

My son is 6, his teacher seems sweet but I’ve heard from other mums having been told from their children that she shouts and is quite stern, my son also says this. I don’t mind her being stern. My son can be quite sensitive, but the other day he bumped heads with someone and cried, and she said ‘you cry too much’. When he told me this his eyes filled up. AIBU to think a teacher shouldn’t be saying this to a 6 year old? Or am I being too sensitive?

If she did say this (and while your son might genuinely think this is what she said interpretations of small children can be off) then it obviously wasn't a helpful thing to say. It might be true that he cries a lot at school but that certainly wouldn't be a helpful thing for a teacher to say to build up his resilience. As a one off comment I wouldn't do anything about it. If she did say it it might be just a slip in the heat of the moment that while not ideal won't do any lasting harm.It wouldn't be fair make a teacher justify every single use of words when dealing with 30 children all day.

If you think there's a pattern of your child feeling under-confident or unhappy at school I'd make an appointment with the teacher to discuss how, between you, you can best support him.

He might not be able to help crying too much. I can't. As part of my dyspraxia/autism(I have both) I suffer from something called emotional lability which means that my emotions get confused and I cry very easily. I cry when I'm angry. I can cry when I'm happy or when I don't feel anything particular. It is very frustrating. I find that if people ignore me it stops quickly, but convincing them that there's nothing wrong isn't easy.

I don't mean that your DS has autism and dyspraxia but he really may not be able to help it. Six year olds are sensitive anyway and some more sensitive than others.

I'd let it go this time but if she says similar again I'd have a polite word. She's dealing with very young children and however frustrating it might be at times, she has to expect it.

You're son heard/felt the message was "You cry to much" but maybe she said "try and calm down now" mine do not quote word for word when telling me information, they tell me their interpretation which is often out of context.

I think you need to clarify what happened with the teacher, my DD is almost 6, if one of her teachers had said that to her or her classmates I would have been surprised and unimpressed, whether the child is 6 or 10 a teacher has no place to say that.

My daughter is a bit 'sooky' I guess some people might say but she is also empathetic, kind, caring and the first child to want to help another upset child... if that means she gets upset easily as well, I can deal with that.

I was an infant teacher for nearly 40years and often had to say to a child “ I can’t hear what happened whist you are crying so much, try to stop crying so I can help you” . Could have been something like that.
I never minded parents asking me for the whole story though as I know that little ones often relay it differently to what the adult actually said!
Eg “ my child said he isn’t allowed to change his reading book”
What I actually said “ don’t change your reading book now as we are all off to the hall for assembly”

Assuming that the teacher literally said " you cry too much." , leads me to wonder if English is her first language as it is an unusual way to phrase the thought.

Kids cry. It is part of the job. The teacher needs to work with the child and family to provide a supportive environment where the child is less likely to cry. Banging heads hurts. Child crying is not an unexpected response to that.

Some children are more sensitive than others and do get upset more easily. On the other hand, there are children who boo hoo at absolutely everything! I teach dance to children your son's age (and older/younger) and have had students in the past who cry for daft reasons - because they aren't first in the line (we take turns), because they want a particular colour scarf to dance with (that I have already handed to someone else), because another child accidentally brushed past them, because I didn't untie their tap shoes immediately after their friend's but went to another child who was waiting first. I think there is a difference between a child who is sensitive to things such as shouting, loud noises etc, and a child who bursts into floods of tears because things aren't being done in the way that they want.

WTF is wrong with crying?!

And what exactly is 'crying too much'?

Depends on the tone - she could have meant “you cry too much and I don’t like it” (as in it makes me sad to see you cry so much!) or she could have meant you’re crying too much for a bumped head (you’re being hysterical sort of thing)

HellonHeels Depends on the reason for crying in the first place?

I do think the teacher sounds like she was very abrupt with the OP's little boy, but honestly, some kids do wail over the very slightest thing! (not saying this was the case with the OP's little boy). I find that with the students who constantly fuss about every single little minute thing it makes it so much harder to determine when something is actually wrong with them as opposed to just fussing. There is a difference between crying because you bumped your head, and crying because you happen to have a green pencil and you wanted a blue one!

I would just ask the teacher if your son is okay in class. Some children cry at everything, and I mean everything. It takes a bit to work out a child's personality to know if they rarely cry or if they cry at a drop of a hat.

But that doesn't mean as staff we don't care. No-one wants to see a child crying.

Children massively misinterpret things and I have had a child bare face lie about something I supposedly said, luckily for me there was another staff member who witnessed it. And that was a 10 year old.

I also heard a teacher referred to as shouty, she just has a different accent and a tone to her voice when she calls the unruly class to order. She doesn't actually raise her voice.

not bitchy comments

Not bitchy surely? Maybe her tone was more kind- don't spring to the worst case scenario

I don't think what she said was harsh at all- kids do have to know how to take instruction or clear guidance- crying too much (in any way) is a thing he needs to sort out. It's getting harder as a teacher to say anything that isn't so anodyne that the kids miss the point.

Kids make stuff up. Adults make stuff up. Teachers make stuff up.
It does sound like your son was telling the truth.
Of course it’s an unkind thing to say.
What do you do now? I don’t know. Support your son. Maybe chat to the teacher to check if she has any concerns. But look after your previous 6 year old boy.

Argh!! Some of the replies on this thread demonstrate exactly why male suicide is a huge problem. Crying is a totally normal response when you are only 6 (6 ffs!) and are upset or emotional or don't yet know how to articulate the actual issue. Please don't tell your kids they cry too much, they are working through their feelings, and should be encouraged to do so. Just because you, as a more rational adult, can see it isn't a big deal in the wider scheme of things doesn't mean that your child (again, only 6 years old!) has the same wider world view. Christ.

Yes crying is normal but rolling around on the floor because someone stood on your toe isn’t, crying because someone sat on your seat isn’t, crying because you didn’t get picked to answer a question isn’t.
There are some disabilities that cause people to have difficulty with regulating emotions. But assuming the ops dc doesn’t have one of these (as it would be pretty relevant to have mentioned it) the teacher would be doing them no favours by normalising crying at every minor disappointment. There are other ways to express minor negative emotions and constant criers tend to struggle with friendships as no child wants to play with the child who bursts into tears when they don’t get their own way.

All 6yos cry sometimes. If the teacher has commented it’s either because it’s constant or hysterical.

FuckingYuleLog
wholeheartedly agree

Yes, that is what I was trying to say in my earlier post. Of course little ones cry at school for many different reasons, its the hysterical or constant crying that the teacher oftens says stop to! But in an age appropriate way of course.
It is obviously praying on your mind though so I would advise you to chat to the teacher.

Ds1 used to regularly sit sobbing in RE classes in Y1 - generally when introduced to big philosophical concepts like some questions not having a right answer or not everything being known. Used to really freak his teacher out.

I think people need to distinguish between kids who cry because they've worked out it's an easy way out of a situation or just want a bit of attention and kids who are just a bit more sensitive or emotionally charged. In the former case it makes sense to be a bit blunt and say "you're fine come on let's stop crying and dust ourselves off" in the latter the child will need help to become more resilient and learn to calm themselves down. Just saying "stop crying" won't help - they may learn to stop themselves from physically crying but won't have developed any genuine resilience they'll just stop getting help for their feelings from adults.

Dd cried a lot - her objective in Reception was to cry less - I asked how this could be achieved and all I got was silence and of course not much changed - she still cries more than most, it’s who she is.

There is a big difference between
"You cry too much."
"You're crying too much; I can't tell what you are saying."
"If you cry too much, we won't know when you are really hurt." (Very true with some children who cry at: someone looking at them, the sun being in their eyes when they have been given the choice to move, a fly landing on them. The issue with these children is that you don't know whether they are seriously hurt when they are injured!)

If you are truly worried, just ask the teacher whether he is crying a lot at school.

I think this is terrible!! “You cry too much!” How much is too much? Who made the rules on crying? I cry A LOT!! Generally not when I’m hurt physically (then I’m pretty stoic) but emotionally I cry A LOT! Dismissing a 6 yr olds feeling is frankly a horrid thing to do (but doesn’t surprise me at all 😡) is there some sexism going on - would the teacher have reacted the same way if the child had been a girl? When my now 7yr old dd was in reception a TA said to her (she was getting a little upset transitioning one morning) “now .... we only cry when we’re hurt...” She was lucky I didn’t have a stand up row with her right there and then!!