Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

AIBU about my partners alarm

89 replies

247mummsy · 08/01/2019 07:21

AIBU? We have a 12 week old baby, she’s suddenly gone from waking once in the night to now waking about 1.15am and between 4.30 and 5.30am (today was 5.30 so yes I’m feeling tired atm). I get that my partner has to get up for work, but he has his alarm at the highest possible volume and snoozes it 5/6 times from 6.30am - 7am then finally gets up. I’ve asked him to turn it down at least but he won’t, I’ve also asked if he could get up when it goes off first or even second time but he won’t, he says he can’t (I’ve tried nudging him to get up but he just goes back to sleep then gets grumpy that I’ve been nudging him). It’s not so much that I don’t want to be disturbed (as I have to get up to get my 6 year old ready and do the school run), although ideally I’d like to have a little more sleep until 7ish as I’ve been up in the night, id also prefer the baby not to be woken constantly with the alarm as it makes it easier if I can shower and get a few bits ready before she wakes. AIBU or if he being a bit selfish?

OP posts:

Allthewaves · 09/01/2019 09:47

I'd murder him. I hate people hitting snooze repeatedly when I could be having an extra 30mins decent sleep

Original poster

247mummsy · 09/01/2019 10:03

I know he wouldn’t give her a morning bottle if I expressed, he usually gets straight on the toilet for a good 20 minutes before anything else. I’ve said he really doesn’t need to be on there that long when I need a bit of help in the morning and I know he’s just sitting on Facebook but he won’t change.
It was his decision to get the dog - When we were ttc of all times! I said it wasn’t the best idea but he went ahead with it. We share getting the food etc but we did have her spayed right before our baby was due (as she had to have one season then be left a certain amount of time before having the op) then I had to take her for her post op check ups heavily pregnant (struggled to get her in the car as she’s a lab and won’t jump in).

OP posts:

flameycakes · 09/01/2019 10:16

Is there anything positive that he brings into your life?

emzw12 · 09/01/2019 10:24

He's a parent too - poor you.
I think you'd be better off going it alone at least then you wouldn't have him stressing you out on top of doing all the parenting.
He sounds like a bit of a pain in the arse - I feel for you it's hard for you. But maybe you need to take a bit of a tougher stance and say that parenting is shared responsibility.
I work full time and so does my hubby and I remember when we found out we were pregnant (wasn't long term planned TTC) we sat down and had a long conversation about shared nursery drop offs etc to work for both of us. I think perhaps you need to have a serious chat together about how it's working for you both. He can't just say that because you're at home it's all your responsibility.
I'm currently in hospital pregnant with my second child and have been in since 28th Dec, my DH is looking after our DS (2.5 years) at home completely on his own, sorting everything, nursery, feeding, days out (plus still going to work himself) - including DS not being well for the last two days.
Dad's are parents too.

G5000 · 09/01/2019 10:45

So a father of a tiny baby would rather leave the baby hungry and screaming (and also dirty if changing diapers is something worthy of pointing out) and sit on toilet facebooking? This does not sound good.

As pp said, you need to kick off right now and make it clear the baby is joint responsibility. Otherwise you will wind up doing everything for the next 20 years, with him showing you no respect and consideration on top.

NewPapaGuinea · 09/01/2019 10:49

The solution to snoozing is putting the phone in a place where he has to get out of bed to switch it off.

Original poster

247mummsy · 09/01/2019 10:52

emzw12 Hope everything is ok with you in hospital with your second baby.
He does bring some positives, I know he is capable of looking after our baby if I was in hospital or something (unlike my exh who was utterly useless). I just don’t think I could leave and do the whole starting out again. He would argue he does his fair share but will always say he works full time, I do respond with least you get a break for lunch and come home in the evenings for a rest, motherhood is 24/7, but then he just calls me mother hen and claims I’m not enjoying being off with the baby, which i am.

OP posts:

PoesyCherish · 09/01/2019 11:12

Tbh OP he sounds awful. What kind of a parent / partner would rather sit on the toilet Facebooking for 20 mins than looking after their young baby or helping their DP out... and just because your DS isn't his it doesn't mean he's not your DP's responsibility too. Your DP chose to move in with you and your son and he chose to add to your family so he needs to take on some of the responsibility of his stepson too!

emzw12 · 09/01/2019 11:33

Have you got a nice friend / sister who you could have a weekend away with? Plan a nice night away just one when he's off at the weekend. Leave him with the baby - express before you go and while you're away. It might be the wake up call he needs being made to realise what you actually do?
My hubby is brilliant and has been since day one with DS but I do remember when I did a KIT day at work he said "wow I just didn't realise how full on it actually was" and DS was an exceptionally chilled baby. Perhaps if leaving isn't mentally on the cards right now for you, you could do a leaving baby with dad weekend as a starter to make him realise?

Imalittleelf · 09/01/2019 11:56

I think husbands can struggle to understand what it's like...

My dh get it's cause he has dd one day a week on his own and knows how much hard work that is. Being at home can be challenging as you get cabin fever and can lose part of who you are to become the feeding comforting machine.

Will you be going back to work? If you do you need to sort out who does what and when.

My and dh have a routine and it works well where things are equal mostly and he does his fair share (although I argue he does less poo nappies than me!)

When I was on mat leave my dh would still come home and make dinner and do cleaning up or washing, he would also take dd downstairs so I could shower in peace.

He needs to recognise that just because you had the baby it doesn't mean you should drop your entire life and still need time for yourself and also he needs to thibk of the wellbeing of his baby and make sure it gets enough sleep... cranky babies are the worst!

Although I will say babies getting used to noise while sleeping is not a bad thing so they sleep through things like fireworks and the tv

Original poster

247mummsy · 09/01/2019 13:32

I don’t feel I want to leave the baby at the moment. And I think because he’s had his own son on his own every other weekend since he was 4 (we got together when he was 6 1/2) he feels like he knows what it’s like (although having a baby and breastfeeding/lack of sleep etc is very different). He actually says he does more than most men, but imalittleelf sounds like you have a good one coming in from work and helping you with cleaning, cooking etc. My other half will put some bits in the dishwasher and turn it on, wash out the bath before we put the baby in it etc but not too much after working all day. Hmph.

OP posts:

Original poster

247mummsy · 09/01/2019 13:34

He’s just text me - what you been up to? Do you feel tired? I’ve just replied asking if that’s a joke, saying I was up 3 times last night, yes I feel tired 🙄

OP posts:

Imalittleelf · 09/01/2019 14:31

Christ on a bike.... do you feel tired...... he really doesn't get it does he?

I am sending you lots of hugs because It is tough let alone when your dh is pushing the wrong buttons.

I have been with blokes that were useless and we didn't have kids....

I am very aware that my dh great compared to some and I am lucky, I think because he lived on his own for about 15 years he got used to doing the house stuff... although he doesn't see dust in the nooks and crannys but knows when the washing needs doing etc.... he still needs praise for doing what I class as basic tasks but I can deal with that.... Monday he was very proud because he took dd to the park, went to the shops, did the washing and looked after the child ... I did think he wanted a medal... all he got was a well done from me.

Respect works both ways and at the moment it doesn't sound like your dh is earning much of that but wants you to respect him.

In afraid I don't have an answer on how you can resolve it with him, I think only you know how to speak to him and how he would receive a request for help and support.

for me I would be talking to my dh about what I need and how I think he can help, dh likes a list so I write all the tasks and we decide between us . Before dd was born we had conversations about how the routines would work and who would do what and when.... we are now doing the same again as we consider having another dc.

Just make sure you look after yourself and watch a lot of tv.... the big bulk cleaning can wait just do the basics.... wet wipes are great for a quick go round the bathroom!

BitOutOfPractice · 09/01/2019 15:23

I think husbands can struggle to understand what it's like...

No, but unrmpathetic arseholes who only consider themselves do

Flip

1 2 3 4