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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about my partners alarm

89 replies

247mummsy · 08/01/2019 07:21

AIBU? We have a 12 week old baby, she’s suddenly gone from waking once in the night to now waking about 1.15am and between 4.30 and 5.30am (today was 5.30 so yes I’m feeling tired atm). I get that my partner has to get up for work, but he has his alarm at the highest possible volume and snoozes it 5/6 times from 6.30am - 7am then finally gets up. I’ve asked him to turn it down at least but he won’t, I’ve also asked if he could get up when it goes off first or even second time but he won’t, he says he can’t (I’ve tried nudging him to get up but he just goes back to sleep then gets grumpy that I’ve been nudging him). It’s not so much that I don’t want to be disturbed (as I have to get up to get my 6 year old ready and do the school run), although ideally I’d like to have a little more sleep until 7ish as I’ve been up in the night, id also prefer the baby not to be woken constantly with the alarm as it makes it easier if I can shower and get a few bits ready before she wakes. AIBU or if he being a bit selfish?

OP posts:
AutumnCrow · 08/01/2019 19:43

He sounds quite sulky and self-centred.

Any good points?

Original poster
247mummsy · 08/01/2019 20:03

I’ve got extremely annoyed about other things in the past (he told me to F off once and my 6 year old heard him) when we argue he goes off on one. He’s stubborn so if I told him to go in another room or sleep downstairs he wouldn’t. He does have some good points otherwise I wouldn’t be with him, but just right now he’s not seeing my side.

OP posts:
AutumnCrow · 08/01/2019 20:37

I think the alarm malarkey is just the tip of the iceberg, tbh.

But right now, you need to prioritise getting some more sleep. This may mean that you nap on the sofa, night and/or day. I did that - my ExH was a snorer who wouldn't shift.

I feel for you Flowers

Original poster
247mummsy · 09/01/2019 07:45

So the alarm was turned down this morning (although he still snoozed it 5 times all of which I heard and our baby still woke), he went and done the bins and the dog, which he does on a weds morning. But then while I’m trying to get back to sleep (evening though the baby is coping so I know it’s unlikely) he comes in with a bowl of cereal and turns his lamp on!? I asked why as he never eats first and he said he wanted to see the baby before work, I said but does the lamp need to go on and he told me to stop being in a mood as it’s 7.30! I said so what I’ve been up numerous in the night (today I don’t need to do the school run as my son is with his dad) so I said I wanted to lay there, I went on to remind him that on the weekends he gets to lay in until 9/10am while I quietly take the baby down and sort out the dog then watch tv while he peacefully sleeps. I think he’s just selfish. (He did bring me a drink up and has now changed the baby’s nappy without me asking so he’s not totally thoughtless).

OP posts:
IceBearRocks · 09/01/2019 07:48

I had this with DH and we solved it between us ...... Then the annoy git would sit on the bed to put his socks on!!!! Arrrggghhhhh!!!! It was like bring in a boat!

winecigsandchoc · 09/01/2019 07:54

Omg I had forgotten how much this used to annoy me too! In the end we compromised- after 1-2 snoozes if I was woke up I woke him up and I would get up have a shower and go back to bed- if babies allowed me to!

Betaday · 09/01/2019 08:02

I was going to suggest the app on iPhones that wakes you up at the right time of your sleep cycle but sounds like there might be generally greater need for him to be more considerate and understanding of you

flameycakes · 09/01/2019 08:05

Use phone alarm on vibrate and put it under his pillow x

comebacksoonsusan · 09/01/2019 08:13

Maybe at the weekend you should come in at 7 and turn the lamp on?
I'm sorry, but he is thoughtless

MarthasGinYard · 09/01/2019 08:20

'on the weekends he gets to lay in until 9/10am while I quietly take the baby down and sort out the dog then watch tv while he peacefully sleeps.'

No way this would continue

He's a selfish arse

Authenticcelestialmusic · 09/01/2019 08:21

His attitude is the problem. You are meant to be important to him, your health and well being should be very important to him. But it appears it’s not. Has he expressed this before? Does he think being at home is easy and you have a cushy number whilst he slogs all day? I assume you are breastfeeding so that’s his excuse.

Dh is a sahd and my job is bloody stressful but i wouldn’t swap! I still had to wake several times a night as I breastfed twins for over 2 years and ended up very sleep deprived it’s like torture. It’s also far easier being at work, warm pls of tea!. Are you in a position to switch roles at any point by him taking paternity? I bet he would have reasons why he had to have more sleep (not safe to drive children around or not able to do housework etc).

I think he is telling you who he is and he doesn’t sound great.

Original poster
247mummsy · 09/01/2019 08:34

I will be coming in at 7 turning the lamp on at the weekend, sod him having a lay in any more because he ‘works all week’.
I do breastfeed so that’s why I wake at night with the baby. But he is also selfish in other ways, I’ve spoken to him about pushing the doors closed rather than using the handle, coming in the bedroom a bit quieter so as not to wake me or the baby, general thibgs really, he’s just a noisy person. Even asked him to put the dog out/feed in the mornings a little more than once a week to help but he says as he walks her at night (even though I often walk her in the day) and puts her out before bed that he’s done his share. His attitude can be pretty poor at times and we often argue on the weekends I have my son and he has his (he is 11), it used to be about bed time when they’d make noise talking, leaving the bathroom door open when he’s having a shower at 8/8.15pm when my son is trying to go to sleep, but he said that’s his time with his son so won’t be speaking quietly etc, I’m not asking for silence but just a bit quieter than the normal day time would be a bit less selfish, it’s a bit better now the baby is here, I try and shut my mouth for an easier life but if he says something to my son that I’m not happy with I’ll soon speak up but that’s when we argue, even if I say let’s not argue in front of the kids he won’t listen he’ll go on and on and on, I walk away but I can still hear him having a go at me.

OP posts:
KatharinaRosalie · 09/01/2019 08:43

on the weekends he gets to lay in until 9/10am while I quietly take the baby down

Wait, WHAT? You are the one doing ALL night wakings and ALL early mornings, and HE gets a lay-in on weekends? And when exactly do you get yours? The very least, weekend layins should be shared, but in most families in such situations, the one doing all the wake ups would get them.

You shut your mouth for easier life. What does he do, for easier life?

BitOutOfPractice · 09/01/2019 08:47

It sounds like you have a bigger problem than the alarm (which is bad enough!) because he sounds absolutely horrible in every respect. Selfish arsehole

Original poster
247mummsy · 09/01/2019 08:50

He thinks I’m the one with the easy life as I’m at home. I just don’t get a lie in, a few weeks ago I said I wanted a lie in, and he came back in with the baby at 8am and turned the lamp on, I asked what he was doing and he said we’ve come for a cuddle as you’ve had a lie in!? I was pretty annoyed and of course I was then accused of being in a mood.

OP posts:
PaintingOwls · 09/01/2019 08:58

on the weekends he gets to lay in until 9/10am while I quietly take the baby down and sort out the dog then watch tv while he peacefully sleep.

Stop this. Let the bigger suffer a bit, he sounds devoid of empathy at the moment.

Ragwort · 09/01/2019 08:58

I’d love to know what his good points are? Hmm, and how sad that you shut your mouth for an easy life, no one should have to live like that. Sorry if this sounds blunt but did you actively choose to have a baby with this arsehole?

violetbunny · 09/01/2019 08:59

The more you post about him, the more inherently selfish this man sounds. No way I would put up with it!

BitOutOfPractice · 09/01/2019 09:02

He did bring me a drink up and has now changed the baby’s nappy without me asking so he’s not totally thoughtless

His husband and father of the year awards are in the post

BitOutOfPractice · 09/01/2019 09:05

So you walk on eggshells and don't speak to him about his behaviour because you fear his reaction, he has trouble controlling his temper, he belittles you and your role in the family, and he verbally abuses you.

On top of that he is lazy and selfish.

Like I say, the alarm is only one of your problems with this idiot OP

Original poster
247mummsy · 09/01/2019 09:22

I know, I think I just feel like a bit of a failure. My ex husband and I didn’t work out but I got a beautiful little boy out of it. Me and my now fiancé went on to buy a house etc and we wanted a baby, he is funny and caring when we are together often but I’m almost dreading this coming weekend when we’re all together, I’m out Saturday with my son and our baby seeing some friends so that’s good. I just sound like a bit of a mess, I am happy most of the time, he’s just someone who always thinks he’s right. Forgot to mention he even woke up last night julting around, clearly dreaming, so I asked if he was ok as he was jolting around and he said ‘no I wasnt’, I was thinking well you were asleep so you wouldn’t know!

OP posts:
AutumnCrow · 09/01/2019 09:24

What attracted you to him, OP? The whole set-up sounds like - for you - a form of slow torture. Would you not be happier and less stressed living separately?

Also, whose idea was it to get the dog? Such a huge commitment on top of three children. Who deals with the vet stuff, buying its food, grooming, training - does he take responsibility for any of it?

I just get the feeling you've been sucked into a very unhappy vortex.

AutumnCrow · 09/01/2019 09:29

X post there.

I don't wish to sound harsh but he doesn't sound very funny and caring. Did he change when you got pregnant / had the baby?

Sorry you're going through this.

emzw12 · 09/01/2019 09:35

Spare room or sofa in work nights - he will soon get the message!

emzw12 · 09/01/2019 09:41

Why doesn't he take the baby downstairs with him when he wakes up. My DS used to wake about 5:30-6 ish and my hubby was up for work at that time so he'd take DS downstairs give him a bottle of expressed breast milk have an hour with him on his own then put him back in his cot about 6:45am where he would sleep until 8-9am thus me getting some extra zzzz's!
Suggest a routine like this?
Ps I'd express the morning bottle the evening before and leave it in the fridge, all DH had to do was stand it in a jug of hot water while he made his breakfast!

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