Would this be a deal breaker for you?

[Senioritafamiglia]

For background , we have been together about 5 months. Met randomly. We are of very different cultural backgrounds, think all the big dividers, not a problem for me remotely.

I was clear from the beginning I was looking for a boyfriend with a view to ltr and not really interested in anything else. At the time he nodded along and I assumed he was on the same page.

We have since decided to be mutually exclusive, boyfriend girlfriend met friends etc. About a week ago he was telling me how much he liked me, which was nice , obviously. Except he had had a few and told me how at first he was hoping for a one night stand, then thought it would be an FB thing (), that he used to think that without the cultural differences I would be 'the ideal woman' but now he is really happy and all those thoughts are in the past. I should say that during this monologue, I said nothing except 'thats lovely' and 'wow'.

A bit later I did tell him I was gutted he had thought those things and he was then at pains to say no no he didn't think them anymore and was delighted with me/ had feelings of love for me.

My problem is I had absolutely no idea he was thinking those things. I explicitly brought both areas up with him early on and then when the 'lets go official because this is lovely' chat occurred we discusses the cultural differences and again , he said not a problem for him, which was a few months ago now .

I had no reason to ever think he hasn't been completely truthful with me before and now I feel really weird and less inclined to trust him.

In fact it's feeling like a deal breaker for me. Would others feel the same?

I think you are putting an awful lot on to what is essentially a very new relationship. Look at it another way - he opened up and told you the truth. he did it sooner rather than later because he wanted to have a clean slate with you. I would see his being honest as the positive thing in this. it certainly wouldn't be a deal breaker.

That's an interesting view, thank you... Even though he essentially lied to me about his intentions and true feelings about the cultural difference? I guess it is early days and people aren't quite so honest as I want to be?

So initially he didn't think you were good enough (i.e. marriage material) because of your cultural (racial?) background? That's what it boils down to. Yeah, would be a dealbreaker for me.

I don't think most people honestly know if someone is ltr material when they first meet them? It takes time and at least he's been honest now. I'd guess a lot of people feel uncertain in the start but just never admit it. Obviously if you tell someone you barely know that you just want to hit it and quit it then you're unlikely to get to a chance to know them better.

Absolutely not a deal breaker. I think his initial point of view is quite understandable, he met someone he liked but thought that the massive cultural differences might be a barrier, he got to know you ,realised they weren't and is now falling in love with you. I've known of much shakier starts leading to very happy relationships. Mountain out of a molehill.

Sad face was about the racial point...

I guess I was very much like well I would date without dtd till I feel like I want to keep on seeing someone. I guess of course he did but I was very clear I did not want an FB thing at all. I totally thought he didn't either

Thanks indubious that's a nice way of looking at it too

Not sure what the issue is here: he told you that he thought at first that your relationship would be nothing serious but it appears that things have since changed. What is your concern? The fact that he didn't bank on anything serious from day one? To be honest if you made it obvious from day one that you were looking for a serious relationship, it's a miracle he's not ran a mile. Most men would. And I would also run a mile from anyone, who says they want a serious relationship with me from day one (or near day one). How can anyone possibly know if you want a serious relationship with anyone from day one ? You don't know the person. They don't know you.

I think you should relax and go with the flow a little bit.

It really depends. Was it like ‘I didn’t think you were good enough’ or more like ‘I didn’t think I could fave the hassle’ because as someone in a multicultural relationship, it is a hassle at times and it did put me off my husband at the very beginning in some way.

Personally I think stating what you want , ie a lovely, loving fun boyfriend is no bad thing. It does not mean that the person I'm telling will be that. It means Im saying that's what I expect at some point and I don't want to mess about with a sex only relationship as a lot of men seem to be quite happy to settle for that quite quickly, and it just isn't for me personally

*face the hassle

I only went on a date with my DH because my friends wouldn't let it go. I went with the intention of having 1 date and then using the 'better being friends' line as I was heading off on holiday a few weeks later and was planning on meeting up with another guy.

I went on that date, fell in love and have now been together 10 years. My DH knows my original thoughts re the date but it doesn't matter as it blossomed into something much more. I still went on holiday but made it very clear to the other person that i was no longer available!

It was more like 'i can't do the things I thought I'd like to do , i.e. travel to certain places with you' nothing to do with kids or marriage, or not being good enough tbh

Why can’t you travel together?

Aw that's lovely solemnly!

To certain places , as a couple, it would be unwise unfortunately

I don’t really understand why, I know lots of mixed couples and none of them have any issues travelling together.

With respect, perhaps your friends aren't the same mix that we are which can be problematic without question in some places.

I think his initial point of view is quite understandable, he met someone he liked but thought that the massive cultural differences might be a barrier, he got to know you ,realised they weren't and is now falling in love with you

^^ This

I think this sounds OK. Good luck

Yes, that’s true but I used to live in a very multicultural area and I’d say we had a mix of most couples.

If you don’t want to say, that’s obviously fine, I’ve just never heard of anywhere being out of bounds before (especially if you put a ring on and pretend to be married, as I’ve had to do in a few places.)

what are those cultural differences? you are not going to out yourself by telling us
I know of more than one relationship story which started like yours

Im sorry I don't want to go into it and write something outing, but it is a problem. A big problem. In this country and abroad, married or not.

From what you've said in your later posts, I'm assuming religious differences as well, which could be problematic.

I have a friend who was a very relaxed Muslim - she started going out with a Hindu man. They were together for a few years - she was very clear that she wanted this to be a permanent relationship but he kept hedging and hedging, despite having initially said that her being Muslim wasn't a problem - turned out it totally was a problem, not for him as such but for his family and wider community. They ended up splitting up because of it.

Erm ok then.

That sounds fairly insurmountable then if you can’t even be married in your own country without facing issues. Relationships are hard enough without that.