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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would this be a deal breaker for you?

70 replies

Senioritafamiglia · 07/01/2019 14:19

For background , we have been together about 5 months. Met randomly. We are of very different cultural backgrounds, think all the big dividers, not a problem for me remotely.

I was clear from the beginning I was looking for a boyfriend with a view to ltr and not really interested in anything else. At the time he nodded along and I assumed he was on the same page.

We have since decided to be mutually exclusive, boyfriend girlfriend met friends etc. About a week ago he was telling me how much he liked me, which was nice , obviously. Except he had had a few and told me how at first he was hoping for a one night stand, then thought it would be an FB thing (), that he used to think that without the cultural differences I would be 'the ideal woman' but now he is really happy and all those thoughts are in the past. I should say that during this monologue, I said nothing except 'thats lovely' and 'wow'.

A bit later I did tell him I was gutted he had thought those things and he was then at pains to say no no he didn't think them anymore and was delighted with me/ had feelings of love for me.

My problem is I had absolutely no idea he was thinking those things. I explicitly brought both areas up with him early on and then when the 'lets go official because this is lovely' chat occurred we discusses the cultural differences and again , he said not a problem for him, which was a few months ago now .

I had no reason to ever think he hasn't been completely truthful with me before and now I feel really weird and less inclined to trust him.

In fact it's feeling like a deal breaker for me. Would others feel the same?

OP posts:

Butchyrestingface · 07/01/2019 14:57

With respect, perhaps your friends aren't the same mix that we are which can be problematic without question in some places.

It's all a bit cryptic.

Original poster

Senioritafamiglia · 07/01/2019 14:57

Please can we not derail with the guess the ethnicity game?! It's not a problem where we live. But it is elsewhere.

Would others find my original prob a deal breaker? Genuinely interested in views!

OP posts:

Bluelady · 07/01/2019 14:58

It's been a running joke throughout our 20 year relationship that he was looking for a dinner and fuck fling, then I came along and spoilt it all. We've been exclusive since day 1. Sometimes you think you want one thing, then you meet someone and they change your mind.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 07/01/2019 15:00

Not playing any game - giving you an example of how it worked with a friend and her cultural clash.

So my advice would be to make bloody certain that there would be no issue with staying together, on either side, or you could be strung along like my friend was and end up years down the line split up anyway.

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 07/01/2019 15:01

I’m not playing guess the ethnicity but if it is such a massive problem that you can’t even travel to some places, then I just can’t see how you could be together.

I know Asian/white, Asian/black, white/black couples of each gender and I have never heard of this, so it does kind of sound like there is some other issue and you are using this as an excuse to not be together.

There are places I personally find less comfortable as a multicultural couple but I would certainly never feel like it was impossible to go there.

Butchyrestingface · 07/01/2019 15:02

Would others find my original prob a deal breaker? Genuinely interested in views!

Okay, no, not a deal breaker. Especially as 1). you effectively encouraged further drunken revelations with the whole 'that's lovely'/'wow' tack and b) everything else is going well at this early stage (is it?).

stokieginge · 07/01/2019 15:02

@Senioritafamiglia both myself & DP started out as FB (I was perfectly happy with this).

Nearly 3 years later and we've been married for a month on Friday 🤷🏼‍♀️

crimsonhair · 07/01/2019 15:04

why are you calling it ethnicity game????

ethnicity/religion plays big part in how your relationship will develop, and that's why you have to look at it with open eyes and not pretend that it doesn't matter

because it does

Lemoneeza · 07/01/2019 15:10

Unless you can elaborate then you are making a massive mountain out of a tiny molehill.
More people than not probably start off casual then realise it has potential to be serious. That's standard.

urbansprawl · 07/01/2019 15:18

I'm with some of the PPs - I can understand that it might have been a bit of a shock for you that you weren't necessarily on the same page straight away (especially if you thought you were!), but overall it's very sweet.

My DH and I joke all the time that we're each other's longest-running one night stands (9 years now!). Neither of us was really looking for anything serious, but here we are. We adore each other.

Merryoldgoat · 07/01/2019 15:22

Your original problem I would not have any issues with - you’re making a mountain out of a molehill.

The cultural differences are definitely an issue and I’d take care before committing in that situation.

Personally, as someone with very relaxed religious views I’d not get involved with someone very religious. I also wouldn’t get serious with someone if their family was likely to make things difficult. It’s a load of hassle I’ve got no time for.

However my mum’s family are West Indian (although British) and my DH is White British so there are some cultural differences, but mostly quite superficial and nothing that clashes.

So the cultural stuff could be a dealbreaker for me.

I also think that you’re a bit naive to post about differences, ask for advice, but refuse to give any details so people can give you actual relevant advice.

PositivelyPERF · 07/01/2019 15:22

My only concern with what he said, would be that he might still let those cultural/religious differences affect your relationship when it comes to marriage/children. Is it going to be a case of him being happy to have a loving relationship with you, but cold feet when it comes to lifetime commitment?

ThisHasReallyPIssedMeOff · 07/01/2019 15:24

I don't think it matters if you didn't think exactly the same things right at the beginning of the relationship. After all, 5 months is still on the beginning of the relationship.

When you meet someone and go on a few dates with them, you have no idea where it is going to go. You might think that you want a LTR but you have no way of knowing whether this is the person you want to do that with or not.

It takes a while to work that out. And it should do. It sounds like this man has considered carefully and wants to be with you. Tbh, the ONS/FB comments are a reflection on the fact he fancied you and was attracted to you from the start. The relationship/love comments are a reflection on how he feels about you now. You need both parts for a relationship.

This is actually less of a red flag than someone who tells you from the start that they want a LTR with you - before they get to know you, how could they possibly know?

Bluetrews25 · 07/01/2019 15:24

He told you how he felt then, and he told you how he feels now.
You have managed to make him move on from his original feelings, so he must care for you, and you have helped him correct some of his prejudice by educating him - that is how prejudice is broken down - through contact, exposure and listening. One person at a time, but the dominoes will continue to fall.
1950s Britain was very different to today and it took a lot of people like you and your DP to show us that actually 'the other team' are ok.
It would not be a deal breaker for me. He has changed for the better.

ILoveAllRainbows · 07/01/2019 15:26

It really depends what he wants to do that he can't do with you. Will he resent you for this?

Justaboy · 07/01/2019 15:27

Umm .. most men are looking for a bit of the other one way and or another so not a surprise really. They seem to infect sites such as plenty of fish etc.

As to the cultre thing this as such wouldn't bother me as I tend l to like people from shall we say, overseas;)

But it can be proplematic I know of a woman shes quite a good friend who is a Jehovahs witness and she met someone under much the same conditions but it didnt work out she really needed him to convert and they split up.

Shes been heartbroken for around two years now and nothing I can say will clear the damage done which is a shame shes a lovely person really is but the religion was the issue.

moanymoaner · 07/01/2019 15:27

Not a deal breaker . He's been honest in that initially he hadn't thought it would be anything much however now he is falling for you and actually sees a future. I'd be glad of his honesty and maybe one day you will look back and laugh about it.

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 07/01/2019 15:30

“As to the cultre thing this as such wouldn't bother me as I tend l to like people from shall we say, overseas;)”

This sounds so gross and exotifying.

mummyhaschangedhername · 07/01/2019 15:31

Hmmmm. ... on the surface no it's no a deal breaker for me. I wasn't looking for a LTR when I met OH and he was pursuing someone else and than I caught his eye. I still tease him about it over 12 years later.
However, I guess it boils down to what it means. I mean if he had said "we are very different people" then that would have been ok wouldn't it? I guess it boils down to what he meant and if there are racial undertones to what he means. It's hard to understand fully without knowing both you cultural backgrounds I guess. But on the surface, no it wouldn't be a deal breaker and his honesty would be a positive for me even if it hurt a little.

Justaboy · 07/01/2019 15:33

This sounds so gross and exotifying.

Yes probally not put the best way no offence intended lets say non native english but then again thats not quite correct either so didnt think ethnic was right either ..

SuperSuperSuper · 07/01/2019 15:34

You seem to be able to be open and candid with each other. That bodes well.

I can't comment on the background issue - no experience. Only you two can decide whether that's navigable.

blackteasplease · 07/01/2019 15:34

Whose racial / ethnic group has the privilege?

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 07/01/2019 15:35

just or how about just liking people for who they are and not making assumptions based on ethnicity?

I know so many women stuck in miserable relationships with men from my husband’s country because they thought it would be all romantic and exotic and exciting.

Justaboy · 07/01/2019 15:38

IAmAlwaysLikeThis

Yes suppose thats prolly the best way of putting it!

And the latter statement is probally easly overlooked too:(

PositivelyPERF · 07/01/2019 15:39

This sounds so gross and exotifying

Sounds more like a weird racist kink! 🤢

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