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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would this be a deal breaker for you?

70 replies

Senioritafamiglia · 07/01/2019 14:19

For background , we have been together about 5 months. Met randomly. We are of very different cultural backgrounds, think all the big dividers, not a problem for me remotely.

I was clear from the beginning I was looking for a boyfriend with a view to ltr and not really interested in anything else. At the time he nodded along and I assumed he was on the same page.

We have since decided to be mutually exclusive, boyfriend girlfriend met friends etc. About a week ago he was telling me how much he liked me, which was nice , obviously. Except he had had a few and told me how at first he was hoping for a one night stand, then thought it would be an FB thing (), that he used to think that without the cultural differences I would be 'the ideal woman' but now he is really happy and all those thoughts are in the past. I should say that during this monologue, I said nothing except 'thats lovely' and 'wow'.

A bit later I did tell him I was gutted he had thought those things and he was then at pains to say no no he didn't think them anymore and was delighted with me/ had feelings of love for me.

My problem is I had absolutely no idea he was thinking those things. I explicitly brought both areas up with him early on and then when the 'lets go official because this is lovely' chat occurred we discusses the cultural differences and again , he said not a problem for him, which was a few months ago now .

I had no reason to ever think he hasn't been completely truthful with me before and now I feel really weird and less inclined to trust him.

In fact it's feeling like a deal breaker for me. Would others feel the same?

OP posts:

Tweety1981 · 07/01/2019 15:41

Don’t know what you are stressing about ! Only been a few months .. just enjoy the relationship. I didn’t take my OH seriously when we met , I didn’t know what I wanted etc etc ...

Now We r married and neither of us cares what happened when we first met .. he had four girlfriends in a year the year I met him !!

And I didn’t take anything seriously either .. similar thing .. we are from very different backgrounds and didn’t think anything of the long term ... that’s normal ...

LetsSplashMummy · 07/01/2019 15:43

If you yourself can see why it's a more difficult relationship than he's used to, due to factors outside his control, then I think you are being unfair.

Usually we start with the lovely stuff and small problems or incompatibilities creep in (but you have a solid enough base to cope with them). This relationship had a more obvious problem at the outset and he thought it might not work, fair enough.... he has reflected on that and been honest, not a deal breaker at all.

Missingstreetlife · 07/01/2019 15:49

It may be dangerous for a gay couple to openly go to some places.
Mixed race should not be dangerous, though you may get some abuse.
Mixed religion maybe a problem in some families, small communities, but dangerous? Is it a deal breaker for him?
The biggest cultural difference is between men and women, class and status (including financial) come next, age, religion and race issues are not insurmountable so long as people communicate, look at their own power and predjudice (we all have some) are prepared to see the other persons point of view and make some accommodation. It's hard but can be done. Family involvement as usual, can help or hinder.

inneedahome · 07/01/2019 15:53

I went on the first date with my DP hoping for it to be one night stand of FWB but still with him 4 years later, oops.

Musereader · 07/01/2019 15:57

On the one hand you do not need anymore reason to break up with someone you are not married/otherwise committed to than you don't want to be with them anymore. Give yourself permission to break up with him for any reason, you do not need to fish around for one, stop asking, if you want to break up then breakup.

On the other, this is not a deal breaker if you like him and want to be with him, so he didn't feel exactly the same back when you met, so what? he didn't know you then, neither of you could know if this was LTR material until you tried it no matter what you were looking for, to be pithy you have to kiss a lot of frogs to get a prince, if it hadn't worked out beyond that first date would you have given it this much thought, do you really think that every single person you date has to be in it for a long term relationship to go out on a single date with?

You and only you are the one to decide whether or not you can see yourself committing to the long term regardless of the cultural differences, and if the 'problems' are simply judgyness and having to defend your relationship when travelling to these countries then that is their problem not yours - you do not need their validation if you are happy with the relationship that is between the two of you

Eliza9917 · 07/01/2019 15:59

In fact it's feeling like a deal breaker for me. Would others feel the same?

No. Feelings change over time and need time to develop. I don't see what the issue is personally.

Adversecamber22 · 07/01/2019 15:59

Regardless of how we as individuals can be liberal it also depends on family. Some people will go NC or do as they please but for some family pressure is too much. I say this as a mixed race woman.

Original poster

Senioritafamiglia · 07/01/2019 16:04

To clarify, I didn't post about the cultural differences, my question was to do with trust and truthfulness and whether I could trust him

OP posts:

marvik · 07/01/2019 16:06

Someone in my family has married someone from a very different cultural background. I think for them it hasn't been an issue because they both wanted something quite serious quite quickly.

I think his parents may have had a preference that their son would marry someone from a similar background. For that reason, I think my relative has had to work particularly hard at being a 'good daughter in law'

I think on that side of the family there is very much an expectation that she is now part of that family and that she has now has extensive obligations towards them. (They also wanted a pre-nuptial agreement though, to ensure that his obligations towards her were limited in the event of an eventual divorce.)

We have been surprised that there is no sense from her husband that he should turn up at any family occasions relating to her side of the family.

This might seem a bit irrelevant. I think what I'm saying though is that while in the early days of a relationship what matters is how much two individuals like and fancy each other. But in the longer term differences of attitude - which will be influenced by culture - may start to become more important.

I'm still not convinced my relative and her partner will stay together. My sense is that as and when they have children all the different assumptions will really start to put the relationship under strain...

SavoyCabbage · 07/01/2019 16:06

I think that when you are from a race that is not in the minority, in any country, then you aren’t used to having to think about race. People who are from a minority have to think about it and consider it often.

Like being a woman. I took my car in for an MOT this morning. While it was in, I took my dog for a walk in a unknown and secluded wood. I had to consider my safety far more than I would have had to if I was a man. My experiences as a woman have taught me over the years that I can’t just stride around dark woods without taking sensible precautions.

Horsewithnomane · 07/01/2019 16:10

If I could not travel with the one I love then that would be a "deal breaker".

PolkaDoting · 07/01/2019 16:16

Everyone is saying a version of He's been honest in that initially he hadn't thought it would be anything much however now he is falling for you and actually sees a future

However that is overlooking the fact that he wasn’t honest at the time.

If he hadn’t decided that he was falling for you he would have dumped you, and effectively gained sex by deception. Not nice.

Original poster

Senioritafamiglia · 07/01/2019 16:28

Thank you polka. That's what I was thinking too.

OP posts:

IdblowJonSnow · 07/01/2019 16:28

Well he lied didn't he. It would certainly be an issue for me and I would now have same issues around trust as you mentioned. Not sure if it would be an actual deal breaker but think it would be fair if you decided it was.

Musereader · 07/01/2019 16:35

Trust and truthfulness, just because he wasn't on the same page as you on the first date? you have to go out on a date with someone to even figure out if you want a second date let alone a LTR.

No reply has said this is a dealbreaker but you seem to be pushing it and looking for the one person who might see it as a dealbreaker so you can what? get permission to breakup with him? YOU DO NOT NEED PERMISSION OR A REASON TO BREAK UP WITH ANYONE.

There is no court of law, no judge who can say if your reason is reasonable, because the only reason there is to break up with someone is because you are not happy with them any more.

Are you happy? Stay with him
Are you unhappy? break up

That simple

If he is a normal reasonable human being he will accept I'm not happy, its not working.

If he is a abusive twat he will pick holes in any reason you give him to try to make you stay with him, which is reason enough to breakup with him anyway.

PolkaDoting · 07/01/2019 16:36

It isn’t an issue that he wasn’t on the same page, it’s an issue that he lied and said he was.

MakeItAmazing · 07/01/2019 16:37

Are you upset because you slept with him thinking this was going somewhere and you now find out he was still in the this-is-fun-as-I-get-sex zone?

MissConductUS · 07/01/2019 16:38

I think it sounds great and not a deal breaker at all. You upsold him to a real relationship.

My only concern would be if his family or your family would have a huge issue with the relationship due to the cultural differences. That's not necessarily a deal breaker either, but it's something to consider.

Best of luck to you both.

TheVanguardSix · 07/01/2019 16:38

So he jumped his initial shallow hurdles (the cultural one is not shallow- kudos! He’s jumped a big hurdle there) and fallen hard for you.
He just worded it clumsily.
Unless you have niggles or your gut’s telling you ‘I’ve got doubts’, I don’t see a problem at all. Sounds like you’re growing closer and stronger with time.

Original poster

Senioritafamiglia · 07/01/2019 19:16

Thanks all for such interesting input! I still don't know what to think really- although it's lovely that he has moved on, I feel unsure about what else he hasn't been straight forward about although I'm sure not much really as nothing seems to be a secret or off limits from what I can tell.

Regarding cultural difference, what I find more interesting and difficult in these circumstances is the mix of power and privilege that we both have. Ie one of us has a wealthy family the other not, one of us is highly educated the other not, one of us has a better job, one of us has close connections to politics. It's a real mix.

Thanks for making me think about all these things mn

OP posts:

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