DH saying 'I'll beat you up'

[kitandcat]

DH and I have been going through a hard time recently. Yesterday, we had a good night and something prompted him to say about there being only 2 people in a relationship. I said, 'yeah, unless there's 3', just trying to be sarcastic and correcting. I didn't mean about there being 3 in ours or anything, I was literally just trying to be irritating by being jokingly pedantic. He then went off in a big rant about how I shouldn't make jokes about sleeping with other people (?), about how I know he's got jealousy problems so why joke, and about how he thinks there's a chance I've been cheating on him recently, and then said (in front of our 2 year old!), 'if you did, I'd beat you up!' He didn't mean it literally, he was just scrambling for things to say, he's never laid a finger on me. I was more angry about him thinking it's okay to say stuff like that in front of our son!
He's apologised since and clarified he didn't mean it for a second... but AIBU to be so angry about this? I was doubting the relationship anyway.

"I was literally just trying to be irritating by being jokingly pedantic."

You were trying to be irritating therefore YABU.

He didn't actually threaten to beat you up, he just said that he would if you cheated.

You don't like each other very much do you?

PS your thread title says that he said "I'll beat you up" but your post says that he said "I'd beat you up". Which is it? They're not the same thing.

What he said isn't okay, but also how you behaved is really unkind, purposefully trying to wind him up. I think you both need to work on being kinder to each other and decide if you actually like/love each other and actually want to be a couple together.

What are you planning to do about this relationship? Having these conversations in front of a 2 year old is never a good idea.

You are both at fault.

Agree, he didn't threaten you, you both said something inappropriate in front of DC, do both should be equally as irritated by the other. He apologized. Move on.

@AnotherEmma

I [would]

I [could]

I [should]

Semantics/ pragmatics and high modality is a fascinating area to study. Meaningless here, of course except showing your pedantry to be incorrect. It absolutely could be a threat.

I just didn't see what I said as as inappropriate as him - I didn't mean it about us, I didn't even mean it about cheating, I was just trying to be correcting in the instance that there isn't always 2 in a relationship, even if there's no cheating involved, there is more. I shouldn't have been trying to wind him up but it was light-hearted and I wasn't expecting his reaction!

I regularly joke that I will castrate my husband if he cheats on me. I don’t see why people have to be pc all of the time. If he didn’t actually mean it and you realise that he just came out with it like that then why he annoyed by it still?

Sounds like you were trying to wind him up. We have more than two in our family. But in my marriage? Only us two.
He needs to sort out his “jealousy issues”.
You need to stop winding him up.
Threatening violence is never ok.

You were both unreasonable. To me your comment would suggest either you’d cheated or thought he had. Very provocative. But you said a joke. He was unreasonable to suggest he would beat you up. Also he said a joke.

Sounds like you both need to grow up and get a better sense of humour.

I had an X who used to try to interject 'funny' or sarcastic remarks when I thought we were having a serious conversation. I found it very irritating because it meant he wasn;t engaging or listening he was trying to think up supposedly funny things to say. So I never felt we were on the same page in terms of what we felt was important.

You tried to wind him up when it sounds as if he was trying to talk about your relationship. I don't condone what he said, but if he has no form for violence then I'd say it was probably spur of the moment irritation at you, a bad choice of words but just words none the less. If he frequently makes remarks about being violent towards you or hs shown himself to be violent in the past then that's obviously a different matter.

It depends what your relationship is like. I find it very wearing when someone deliberately tries to wind you up, it's not something I would look for in a relationship. But I know other couples enjoy that kind of thing.

Might be an idea to actually talk properly about your relationship and see if there's something worth saving, or whether each of you finds what the other person says annoying or unacceptable.

Bloody hell. I was going to say that's inexcusable from the thread title, but you sound as bad as each other, having read the posts. Perhaps you'd both be happier apart.

How is someone making an I'll thought joke and someone threatening physical violence in any way comparable

OP he sounds like an idiot, bad joke aside what do you actually get from this relationship? Because it sounds like two people who don't like each other very much staying together because that's easier splitting than either of you actually wanting to make it work.

I think you both need to think through what you say (before you say it) a little better!

he didn't mean it for a second

So he felt he was being light hearted too?

You both said very childish things-either this is the way you banter with each other (i can be quite childish!) and you are both used to it and shouldn’t be shocked or offended...or this isn’t the way you normally are with each other-so then don’t do it!

Seem's to me , you have both lost respect for each other, and point scoring hurtful remarks may turn nastier in future, but to keep going at each other you must still both care? take a step back, try and point out your child is hearing awful hurtful remarks, for which you are both guilty of, even suggest therapy if it helps, either sort out, or ship out, not put your child in the cross fire of hearing this.
Best Wishes for the future.

The problem wasn't your "joke".

The problem was that he thinks you've been cheating recently.

Your "joke" was only a trigger for him to talk about it. So, forget your joke and forget his threat. Have a good talk about his jealousy.

Now, his jealousy is a worry and could become an excuse for abuse (control, physical violence, etc).
I do think what he said was a threat because he may end up beating you up if he thinks you are cheating. It is also a threat in that you will need to control your behaviour so that he doesn't think you are cheating.

He needs to rein in his jealousy and stop any such threats. But you will need to define what is acceptable to you and what isn't. And then decide what you'll do if he continues this behaviour of jealousy and making threats.

She set out to provoke him emotionally - this is a form of abuse in itself.
He then made a threat which was equally ill-considered - again, abuse even if it's only a threat.

Both are a pair of abusive numpties.

@Lweji yes this was the first thing I was going to address as it completely took me aback. I've never cheated, I never would. I have no idea where he's got it from!

Semantics/ pragmatics and high modality is a fascinating area to study. Meaningless here, of course except showing your pedantry to be incorrect.

Considering that the OP's "joke" was herself being pedantic, I think it's highly appropriate to be pedantic about the terms she uses.

DH and I have been going through a hard time recently.
he's got jealousy problems
he thinks there's a chance I've been cheating on him recently

In that context, I'd probably find his joke unnerving.

If you're going through a bad time anyway in your relationship it's never a good time to make any sort of jokes about infidelity - not when either party might be feeling a bit insecure. Your comment wound him up. You both sound like you were being a bit immature and just speaking nonsense to be honest, so I wouldn't read anything into what he said given that context.

Houseonahill it wouldn't be, but the op sounds certain he was " just scrambling for something to say" and didn't mean it any more than she meant there were 3 people in their marriage. "I'll kill you if you eat my chocolate" isn't normally an actual threat of physical violence, just a stupid thing to say, and OP seems to be sure that what her H said is the same.

It sounds as though they don't communicate well and spend conversations trying to irritate and point score though, doesn't sound like a good relationship...