DH saying 'I'll beat you up'

[kitandcat]

DH and I have been going through a hard time recently. Yesterday, we had a good night and something prompted him to say about there being only 2 people in a relationship. I said, 'yeah, unless there's 3', just trying to be sarcastic and correcting. I didn't mean about there being 3 in ours or anything, I was literally just trying to be irritating by being jokingly pedantic. He then went off in a big rant about how I shouldn't make jokes about sleeping with other people (?), about how I know he's got jealousy problems so why joke, and about how he thinks there's a chance I've been cheating on him recently, and then said (in front of our 2 year old!), 'if you did, I'd beat you up!' He didn't mean it literally, he was just scrambling for things to say, he's never laid a finger on me. I was more angry about him thinking it's okay to say stuff like that in front of our son!
He's apologised since and clarified he didn't mean it for a second... but AIBU to be so angry about this? I was doubting the relationship anyway.

How does his jealousy show, if he said himself that he has a jealousy problem?

For a second there I thought I was listening to a pair of year 9s

I read it more like a stupid comment like someone saying "the sky is always blue" and someone replying "except when it's green" than her trying to infer something about cheating?

blueskies ok yeah that makes more sense now thanks

See, if we were discussing relationships in general and a comment was made about there being 2 people then I would have pointed out that not every relationship has 2 given that some people have poly/open relationships. Same as I would make the correction when someone says about DD's future boyfriend, I would say or girlfriend (though she herself corrects people now as well).

However, if you were deliberately trying to wind him up then I don't see why you would. Especially since you are just coming through a hard time. Unless you misjudged the tone of the conversation.

He was wrong to use beating you up as a threat for punishment should you cheat on him. Why does he think there's a chance you've been cheating already? Is he usually a jealous/suspicious man?

It's hard to judge without hearing the context and tone of the conversation but I'd say you ABU for making a comment intended to goad him and he is BVU to threaten violence regardless of who else it was in front of.

@Houseonahill yes, this was exactly what I meant. It was nothing about cheating/to emotionally provoke him. We were having a good night, the mood went a bit serious when he started making comments about this and I made a potentially bad attempt to be a bit more lighthearted about it.

You were both winding each other up. You knew what you were doing and he reacted by saying something he didn't mean - which we have all done at some point.

Some people are jealous, you knew that and you deliberately said something like that, which was always going to get a bad reaction.

He needs to deal with his jealousy and you need to not wind him up like that because it's not helpful.

You made an unreasonable, unpleasant remark to him.
He replied with an unreasonable, unpleasant remark to you.
Your question is “AIBU to be so angry about this?” and I think the answer is yes, you are.
You can’t say something deliberately provocative and then get angry because the response it provokes isn’t one you approve of.

That whole conversation was inappropriate to have in front of a 2 year old, including your side of it. What a way to talk to each other! Neither of you said anything directly threatening, but both of you need to seriously rethink how you talk in the presence of dc.

DH and I have been going through a hard time recently

Yesterday, we had a good night

I said... just trying to be sarcastic and correcting... I was literally just trying to be irritating by being jokingly pedantic

I'd you don't want to be with him, just tell him. Don't try and askew him he one who goes so you can be the poor victim

I think YABU if you made your ‘joke’ knowing this would cause him anguish.
He sounds on a par with my 5 year old GS and his friends when they are cross about something and are struggling to come up with a big enough threat. Actually they wouldn’t go as far as talking about beating up as they wouldn’t know what that was but I’m sure you get my drift.
You. Oath sound immature

Wait...

Are pps really saying we shouldn't make unpleasant comments to avoid being threatened with violence?

What if he had punched the OP because of the perceived offense or cheating? Would it still be her fault?

OP, do you want to be with a man who threatens to beat you if you cheat? Regardless of the context in which it was said.

Listen to what he says, not to what you think he means.

He may not have been physically violent with you yet. But he's already introducing the threat of it in the relationship. It gets worse, unless he really takes responsibility and sees such behaviour as wrong.

For the record, I'm not saying for you to leave now, but I'd prepare for it. And I wouldn't tolerate other threats.

Both

Sounds like you both are at fault..with recent problems insinuating there 'could' be 3 in the relationship (unless in the unlikely event you referred to your child) was inflammatory. His 'threat ' to beat you up if you cheated could be 1. A semi joke type reaction, e.g I've told my DH I'd castrate him if he cheated, not something that I would actually do! 2. Or a threat to take seriously in view of recent issues, tone of voice your circumstances etc to be taken into consideration.
Tbh doesn't sound like you like each other overly, and have an immature response to issues in the relationship. If this is often around your child its more of a concern.

I read it as you just making an ill placed joke, like being boringly fastidious - the sort of teasing that can be quite bonding and go back an forth? If he was angry when he said he would beat you up than that is a very different tone. I’d expect him to be mortified and if he wasn’t I would be extremely dubious to be honest. From my understanding you might not have been being the wit of the year but thought you were being warm and lighthearted?

In your OP you said you were trying to be irritating. I have no idea why anyone would want to do that.
You other half is equally wrong for his abhorrent comments too.
Your relationship sounds horrible.

What Lweji said

yes this was the first thing I was going to address as it completely took me aback. I've never cheated, I never would. I have no idea where he's got it from!

Have you ever checked up on him? That's what I'd be doing if someone had such an extreme reaction to a joke about three in a marriage. My spidey senses would start tingling - been there.

...as for all the people saying "why were you being irritating?" they must never have had a joke with a partner ever. Some posters on MN think women should be very respectful in all situations.

My spidey senses would start tingling - been there.

it's useful when a post declares that they are projecting, saves any uncertainty.

If I were your husband, I’d have been more likely to interpret your comment as referring to your toddler than a (possible) affair. But, then again, I am not worried about affairs (and never have been).

To what extent do his ‘jealousy problems’ affect your relationship? And, assuming you are aware of them, why would you choose to poke that particular bear? It is never healthy for a relationship to have bears that you must avoid poking, but you must have had some reason for choosing to be ‘irritating’ (and in that particular way) after what you describe as ‘a good day’.

I'm really surprised by most of the responses here. Not sure even a deliberately irritating comment deserves to be met with a suggestion of violence - sure, maybe you were both in the wrong, but I don't see them as equally bad IYKWIM. In this situation I would take your comment as a reference to open relationships/"throuples" that seem to be on the rise, and would have probably have replied with "so long as there's only two in this one, that's fine!" or something obviously lighthearted. His jealousy issues would make me very wary indeed.

Perhaps not the best "joke" to make if your relationship isn't in a good place.

Op did you think that what you said would would provoke him?

Does he have jealousy issues that you know about?

Honestly, 'three in a marriage' doesn't necessarily imply cheating cheating at all. At various times in my marriage to my DH, I've felt the same, because of how often my MIL was calling here (every other day and on the phone for one hour every time, and then calling over and over again until my DH answered).

Your DH's reaction was unwarranted. On the other hand, if you knew he had a jealousy problem (did you?), then it wasn't exactly a leap to realise that that was where his mind would go.

Does he have jealousy issues that you know about?