DH saying 'I'll beat you up'

[kitandcat]

DH and I have been going through a hard time recently. Yesterday, we had a good night and something prompted him to say about there being only 2 people in a relationship. I said, 'yeah, unless there's 3', just trying to be sarcastic and correcting. I didn't mean about there being 3 in ours or anything, I was literally just trying to be irritating by being jokingly pedantic. He then went off in a big rant about how I shouldn't make jokes about sleeping with other people (?), about how I know he's got jealousy problems so why joke, and about how he thinks there's a chance I've been cheating on him recently, and then said (in front of our 2 year old!), 'if you did, I'd beat you up!' He didn't mean it literally, he was just scrambling for things to say, he's never laid a finger on me. I was more angry about him thinking it's okay to say stuff like that in front of our son!
He's apologised since and clarified he didn't mean it for a second... but AIBU to be so angry about this? I was doubting the relationship anyway.

You didn't actually say anything wrong. There aren't only two people in a relationship in all circumstances, poly relationships are a thing, so he was incorrect.

Nothing you said was unreasonable or mean

Ok neither party has behaved amazingly here but can PPs not see that there is a world of difference between an irritating offhand comment and someone losing their shit over perceived infidelity and saying ‘I’d beat you up’? Those things are not the same!

OP YANBU - he’s setting a bad example to your kid and behaving in a controlling way to you. I hope you’re ok.

OP YANBU - he’s setting a bad example to your kid and behaving in a controlling way to you. I hope you’re ok.

This is true. He said this front of their toddler, a very poor example.

Poly relationships are a thing, but with a toddler in the room I’d think that the implication would often be that s/he was the third person. Because, let’s face it, the existence of a child, especially a young one, generally has a profound effect on a couple’s relationship.

Or, as a PP has suggested, it can often be a joke about overbearing mothers etc. The context is key.

In the OP’s case, however, it appears that there is a poor relationship with a jealous spouse. And she felt like antagonising that in that moment. To work out how deep the problem in the relationship is, the OP needs to think about why she’d want to do that. It may be that she’s completely sick of tiptoeing around her husband’s jealousy (but might not have admitted it to herself yet).

A spouse who seems to think that his issues with jealousy are and should be his wife’s problem to deal with, and a willingness to suggest violence as a response to cheating, is not a good thing. It is something he should be addressing, not projecting the issue on to his wife.

He sounds like my ex, jealous and controlling. Shouldn’t be joking about cheating unless he has a guilty conscience, and threatening to beat someone up isn’t ok!

Terrible thing to say imo in any circumstances.

I think you were making a misplaced reference to the Princess Diana interview rather than actually correcting him as such.

OP, you obviously touched a nerve.

My money is on him cheating, either now or in the past.

IAmALionessHearMeRoar

OP, you obviously touched a nerve.

My money is on him cheating, either now or in the past.

Oooh, best not say that, you'll be accused of projecting 😅

TwiceMagic they weren’t talking about their relationship, just relationships in general. OP said:

‘Yesterday, we had a good night and something prompted him to say about there being only 2 people in a relationship. I said, 'yeah, unless there's 3', just trying to be sarcastic and correcting. I didn't mean about there being 3 in ours or anything, I was literally just trying to be irritating by being jokingly pedantic.’

She was making a joke, not poking her jealous spouse. He’s the best one that leapt to that conclusion, worryingly quickly. I agree this is his issue, and threatening her (and that was exactly what he was doing) is saying ‘I already think you’re cheating, so if you don’t watch your behaviour and I become convinced that you are this is what you’ll get’

If I was you OP I’d be thinking about his behaviour carefully to see if there are other controlling patterns. Talking about beating a 2 year olds mother in front of them would be enough for me personally!

Talking about beating a woman would be enough for me personally!

Even better.

Do you want to leave? If so you can leave.

It sounds like you're trying to provoke him into saying something "wrong" so you can leave with the moral high ground tbh.

Joking about cheating (because that's what you did) to deliberately spoil the evening when your marriage is on the rocks seems intentional to me.

I think your marriage is over.

Yeah, I stand by the fact I didn't joke about cheating. Cheating didn't even enter my head, it was a pedantic comment about how relationships aren't always, thinking of poly relationships and just been correcting. Nothing about cheating entered my head, and there's definitely no reason for him to be worried about cheating to that extent!

“To that extent”?
So he should be just a bit worried?
You were winding him up just a bit?
All sounds bloody unhealthy.

@Wolfiefan he shouldn't be worried at all but definitely not to the extent of saying stuff like that. I'm concerned that that's the first thing he says without thinking.

She was making a joke, not poking her jealous spouse. He’s the best one that leapt to that conclusion, worryingly quickly.

She was making a joke, but possibly one that she knew would provoke his weird jealousy issues. Especially given he felt the need to make comments about relationships only having 2 people in them.

I totally agree that the problem here is the husband with his ‘jealousy problems’. His behaviour was not good at all. There should not be a bear to avoid poking in any relationship, but it appears that there is in the OP’s. And quite a paranoid one at that.

@kitandcat He shouldn’t be accusing you of cheating, or anything close to it. The PPs are right that this is controlling behaviour. If your husband has a problem with jealousy (and he clearly admits that he does) then the onus is on him to do something about it. He should not be projecting his irrational fears and paranoia on to you. And he shouldn’t be telling you that he’s beat you if you cheated, whatever his excuses for it might be.

Nobody should ever be threatening anyone.
But the dynamics here are really off. You are sarcastic and winding him up when you have one single good night. Things are rough in general. He is jealous.
Sounds loveless and unhealthy.

But the dynamics here are really off. You are sarcastic and winding him up when you have one single good night.

That's ridiculous. If someone made that joke to me I'd instantly think of Princess Di's remark, and certainly wouldn't take it personally. It was an absolutely innocuous remark, and sounds like he was looking to take offence.

Better LTB before you inadvertently let it slip that you think some male film star is goodlooking.

He shouldn't have threatened to beat you up and you'd be within your rights to leave him for that or any reason.

So besides thst

You've been having a rough patch. You had a good day together. You deliberately intended to annoy him by being pedantic and correcting him. You knew it would antagonise him. Why are you deliberately annoying him?

It sounds like you knew it would wind up, so YABU. He has threatened to beat you up. Never any excuse for this. He is being more unreasonable than you. Sounds like you have serious problems in your relationship.

I think you are both at fault and should be mindful of what you say to each other always whether alone; in the presence of your kid(s) or others. What one says and what one means to say can be two very different things. The same words can mean very different things due to context or delivery or etc. You may have meant it as a joke but not all jokes are funny. You really should have no reason to still be upset about this.