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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to go to my sister's anniversary meal?

54 replies

orangejuicer · 07/01/2019 09:05

I have one brother and two sisters- all married. It's sister S's anniversary on Sunday and she text me yesterday to invite me out for a meal but I've already provisionally arranged with my brother to visit my dad on the same day with my 7wk old baby. Mum is v sadly no longer with us.

I don't think dad is aware of our plans to visit yet, I am going to ring him today. It won't affect his ability to attend the meal which is at 5pm. We would be visiting about 1pm. I can't do both.

WIBU not to go to the meal but to keep my plans with my brother as we arranged it first?

If I go to the meal I would not take the baby.

My brother won't be attending the meal as he and sister no longer speak due to words said between them on numerous occasions during the time mum was having palliative care at home. It was a very stressful time and there is blame on both sides. I'm not sure he's been invited anyway.

My other sister and I are trying to be peacekeepers for my dad's sake but it is difficult at times. He is unaware of the extent of the problem.

OP posts:

steadtler · 07/01/2019 09:07

Why not both? It seems to be the simple solution.

elvis86 · 07/01/2019 09:09

It's very short notice - just send apologies on that basis if you don't want to go. Especially as you have a 7 week old.

What you are or aren't doing on Saturday night is none of her business really?

Mothergooseflying · 07/01/2019 09:11

I'd keep to my original plan with my brother. You cannot really visit your dad hang around , then go for a meal with a baby in tow, even if your brother was coming.
just thank your sister and say you have already made plans earlier.
Best wishes.

mummmy2017 · 07/01/2019 09:11

Just tell her you can't do it, as have arranged to see your dad first, and will not have time to organise the baby...
Repeat the same if she says anything.

Shoxfordian · 07/01/2019 09:11

Yeah just text and say you can't make it

altiara · 07/01/2019 09:14

Just say no, it’s not unreasonable to already have plans or not be able to go out without a 7 week old, she didn’t give you much notice.

Wolfiefan · 07/01/2019 09:16

Isn’t your dad going to the meal?

SalmonLeBon · 07/01/2019 09:18

Totally missing the point here, but who invites all their family out for their wedding anniversary? Surely it is something just for the couple to celebrate?

RoseAndRose · 07/01/2019 09:19

I bet your DBro chose the timing on purpose.

Can you rearrange so you can attend both?

Otherwise, yes you should stick with the prior arrangement, but be ready for everyone to see it as an unfriendly act towards that sister, and for no one to believe that you'd simply already made plans.

oh4forkssake · 07/01/2019 09:29

@SalmonLeBon I thought the same thing. Odd.

Lweji · 07/01/2019 09:32

Hasn't your dad been invited?

Surely there are other days to visit your dad, but only one anniversary per year.

Do you need your brother to visit your dad?

I really don't see the problem in changing the dates.

blueskiesandforests · 07/01/2019 09:34

Is this a wedding anniversary? Unless it's her 20th (at a stretch), or 50th (unlikely) wedding anniversary it's weird to expect anyone else to celebrate it anyway. Leaving a 7 week old newborn at home or being out at an adult restaurant with such a new baby during evening cluster feeding is also too much to ask.

I'd visit your dad at lunchtime with your new baby and skip the evening restaurant meal.

Augusta2012 · 07/01/2019 09:34

I think you need to be careful here. I think what other posters are missing is that whatever you do might be perceived as favouring one or the other in circumstances where there is a high chance of offending one or both of them.

In the circumstances I would go with your brother to see your Dad as planned. But be open with your sister about what your plans are. You can say to her that 5pm doesn’t fit with the baby and there is no point you coming because you will either be constantly feeding or have a grouchy baby interrupting the meal.

Don’t just say you’re busy then let her find out from your Dad that you were with him and DB earlier.

fruitbrewhaha · 07/01/2019 09:36

@SalmonLeBon Me too, you don't all need to go.

Do you really want to go out to dinner when you have a 7wk old baby? i think I just wanted to go to bed at 9pm.

EmUntitled · 07/01/2019 09:36

"Sorry I already have plans on Sunday, hope you have a lovely meal out"
No need to go into the whys and wherefores, you can't make it. If your sis kicks up a fuss suggest maybe she should make plans further in advance.

Drum2018 · 07/01/2019 09:37

If it still suits your dad to go and visit him then I'd stick with the original plan. Otherwise your brother is being pushed aside in favour of sister. And you had a plan with your brother first. No doubt if you had arranged the meal with sister first you wouldn't change your plan to do something with brother if he asked after your sister.

trojanpony · 07/01/2019 09:39

What mummmy2017 said

Lweji · 07/01/2019 09:39

I don't think any plans trump every other plan.

Some occasions do take priority, like celebrations, weddings, etc.
A visit, even if pre-arranged, can take place any time and the date can be changed.
I'd have rearranged the visit to another Sunday if I was invited to a good friend's birthday, unless money had already been spent (for example on train tickets).

Productrecall · 07/01/2019 09:40

I don't think it's weird for family to want to celebrate occasions together by going out for a meal. Some families go out for meals without there being any occasion to celebrate at all!
Can you suggest a celebratory meal together on another day as you already have plans for that one?

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 07/01/2019 09:42

I really don't understand why you can't do both. Baby is young and will just sleep in the pram for most of it. Sounds like you're just looking for a reason not to go.

mindutopia · 07/01/2019 09:42

I think they are totally separate things. I wouldn't go to anyone's anniversary dinner (is this a thing? unless it's her 50th, I can't imagine it is?) with a 7 week old baby. I also wouldn't leave a 7 week old at night for a night out. So the timing with a new baby just isn't feasible, regardless of other plans or family drama, I wouldn't go. Surely, you're much more likely to want to just be at home getting an early night.

Whether you keep your original plans with your dad and brother is up to them. Once dad knows about the planned dinner, just confirm he still would like you to come by. If he does, then do that and head home in time for him to head to sister's dinner. If he thinks it's too much for one day, re-schedule for another day.

AnneOfCleavage · 07/01/2019 09:50

I've never understood having anniversary meals with any one other than your partner. Surely it's a personal affair unless a specific anniversary with bridesmaids/ groomsmen etc (paid for by anniversary couple). Very odd.

Not given you enough notice esp with a baby and you've already got plans in place so have an out clause. At 7 wks pp I wouldn't leave my baby to attend a meal esp if ebf.

Hold firm and don't feel bullied by your sis.

Original poster

orangejuicer · 07/01/2019 09:52

Thanks all for the replies and sorry if I left any info out.

It's her 10th wedding anniversary.

Brother doesn't know about meal as far as I know so didn't choose timing. He is free Sunday and usually visits dad on the weekend with his kids.

It is the 'favouring' aspect thst I'm concerned about. I also don't want to put my dad in an awkward position of potentially covering for me (Not that I would ask him to!) It's not realistic to do both and I'd rather not go to the meal but I feel bad as it's her anniversary. There will be others there so plenty of people.

OP posts:

pajamallama · 07/01/2019 09:53

Just tell her the truth. Sorry I have already arranged to meet dad.

Lweji · 07/01/2019 09:54

Isn't your dad going to the dinner?

And if your brother regularly visits his dad, it's surely easy to rearrange to another Sunday.

Storm, tea cup.

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