AIBU to feel insulted for having to pay for Christmas dinner at my SIL?

[Headwir3]

My SIL said she would host Christmas this year as she has a big new house and plenty of room for us all. I asked if I should bring something and she said she would just do a shop and split the cost. She did suggest we bring our own alcohol. I thought it was a little odd, as did my hubby but he reminded me that she was cheap and the food wouldn’t cost that much anyway! Best to just agree with it instead of making a fuss.

Anyway we had Christmas, I took up 5 bottles of wine (only drank one and my hubby didn’t drink any). Left them there when we left. We were given cereal for breakfast and tinned soup for lunch and a basic Christmas dinner. No puddings and just a little cheese for desert.

We just got the bill... it came to £40 each! AIBU to feel angry and insulted by this all? It doesn’t seem right to hand over money. Especially to family. Also I feel really ripped off! I don’t want to upset my husband, but his family are a new level of cheap. If I did that to my brother, he probably wouldn’t speak to me again!

I'm not sure - perhaps the SIL catered for Xmas Eve dinner and Boxing Day lunch as well, and when splitting the food bill has done it evenly per adult, even though OP and her family weren't there for those meals.

TBH I probably spent about £300 on food and bits between Sainsburys & Lidl to feed 9, but that would have included alcohol as well, and the leftovers kept us in food for the next week.

It does seem a bit steep though. Don't even get me started on the charging family for food trend. At least you know what she's like now. I would just pay it but remember it in future and never get yourself in the position again where you are left with an open ended cost.

What do the other guests think? Are they surprised by the cost?

Take the money round and mention that you forgot to take home your wine. If she has drunk it tell her not to worry you will just knock it off the money you owe her.

Or you could offer to host next year - same cost so how about you call it evens and not give her any money at all.

And don't forget your wine. If you play it correctly you could leave ahead

If you can’t afford to host, you don’t offer.

There was a huge thread about this before Christmas that made the press. It's just not that straightforward. Maybe splitting the cost is the only way families can manage it, maybe one person gets lumbered with hosting and can't pay every year, maybe people are decent and wouldn't want their siblings etc to be out of pocket.

Forgot to say that £40 a head would be about right for the Christmas Dinner and other costs for me. I easily spend that - it does all add up.

Do you mean forty quid per head, or forty quid per family op?

But why not send £100 and some flowers - Op can be generous. Isn't the thing people seem to dislike being stingy and penny pinching - people don't like the host having charged or the idea that she has charged for more than she spent (although we don't actually know what she spent and Op doesn't know either) - so why be stingy, when you know you'd agreed to pay? As Op agreeing to pay the absolute minimum, covering just the turkey and key elements of the dinner, or to pay for the full couple of days costs or what exactly......it wasn't specified was it, and by agreeing she was leaving it to the hosts' judgement. And £40 is what the host has judged were the costs, in whatever way she has worked them out. So to now quibble is to be tight and stingy, which is the irony when so many people see the host as tight. She's asked for £80 and done the cooking, cleaning an bed changing. You will have struggled to provide yourself with a Christmas at home for much less than that, and even if you could have, is that really the point - it's not about having Christmas as cheaply as possible, but sharing it together in the spirit of goodwill - which seems to be rather lacking round here.

Sometimes it's best to just suck these things up and to realise they're not a big deal and save your energy for the battles which really matter.....unless of course, you're looking to pick a fight over absolutely anything. Sometimes when you go out, you buy more rounds than someone else, or you pay a bigger share of the bill than someone else in relation to what you ate and drank.......you just shrug and get on with it, rather than hating the people who ate more than you and accept that's the way things sometimes go. Yes, there are limits to this and if the host was asking for £500 per head or you are being charged £100 when you ate a £8 pasta dish you might want to speak out, but we are talking about a sum of money which could very easily be the right amount and could have been so much more for a couple of days over Christmas.

When people are complaining about tightness, how could asking for a break-down if costs or asking to pay less, or doing it with such bad grace, in itself be considered anything other than tight?

Just pay it and learn from it. Just have your own Christmas next year.

“And so families where noone can afford to host everyone should never get together at Christmas Salmon? Or should stick to beans on toast if they do?”

This. In our family we see it as sharing the cost, chipping in, working together. And it enables us to have lots of lovely things, good quality speciality delicious cheeses, smoked salmon, good wine etc.

**We were given cereal for breakfast and tinned soup for lunch and a basic Christmas dinner. No puddings and just a little cheese for desert.

We just got the bill... it came to £40 each! AIBU to feel angry and insulted by this all?**

^I would feel insulted too. Tinned soup? No puddings? What a shit Christmas dinner

I agree with ChocolateWombat and it costs a huge amount to host any event plus other meals, breakfasts, incidentals if people are staying. Doesn't sound unreasonable really if you were there for 2 nights inc Christmas Eve and Christmas day. I'd just pay it this time and not go again if you're not happy.

That's crazy, cost me £40 to feed 5 people at Christmas... 3 courses worth, a lot more than she gave you by the sounds of it. If she was tight for cash I would have expected her to try and cut costs (eg buying at Asda not Waitrose) which is what I did and we still had a nice Christmas dinner. Tinned soup is (roughly) £1!

I would pay but say you weren't expecting such a high bill and next time she should be upfront about costs beforehand so you can decide whether you want to come or not

Contributions should be agreed in advance

@chocolatewombat Your perspective isn't one I'd considered but I like it actually, having said otherwise. That is what is so great about Mumsnet - you really can see things from all angles.

I'd wilfully misunderstand and give her £40 for you both. If/when she queries it then you can ask for a breakdown of costs.

Op the moral of the story is, don't go next year, as you know what she is like.

It is the principle, not the price, you just don't do that, in my house, either I host and pick up the tab, or I don't.

I'd wilfully misunderstand and give her £40 for you both. If/when she queries it then you can ask for a breakdown of costs.

I second this.

Who charges family?? That to me is ridiculous! You host because you want to and you bear the cost not want to make a few quid!

I would send her a note saying,
Dear Sil
Wasn't sure if you meant £40 overall or £40 each so have done my own rough calculation below for everything we consumed. As it comes to £x amount, I'm assuming it's £40 overall. Please let me know if I have forgotten anything or anything was more than I have estimated.

Sounds like SIL has created a charge covering your whole stay, not just Christmas dinner. Added into that will be the cost of laundry after you have left etc.

I've hosted reunions at my house before from all over the country. They have had to pay for fuel so the least I can do is pay for the food. If you are going to split the cost, you might as well factor in food, fuel, drinks, laundry and anything else that you have had to do to prepare. And then split that.

charging family for food trend.

This varies with where you are in the US but I have friends & family there who are constantly trying to anticipate the value of 'the plate' that they will have if they accept an invitation to dinner at someone's home.

Apparently the Hostess Gift should, at minimum, cover the cost of your plate (i.e., the full cost of your dinner). And when they have friends who are keen on wine, it seems that the common estimate is $150 - so if a couple attends, that's $300.

There seems to be a new understanding of hospitality. And I fully understand how difficult it can be for the same people to host all the time - and just how expensive it can be for others to travel, employ babysitters etc.

@arranbubonicplague I grew up in the US. I have never heard of such a thing! Only in connection with weddings, not wider social engagements.

@arranbubonicplague

I'm from the US and have also never heard of this. Lived in 4 different states, visited 5 others.

That sounds like Bridezillaish entitled BS.

Are you sure that’s not just weddings @arranbubonicplague?

Because I doubt anyone spends $150 a head on dinner at their house. Even at thanksgiving/Christmas/any other major holiday.

I cannot even begin to imagine charging people for Christmas dinner (or any other meal actually). I know it can be expensive, but you basically accept that when you invite people to yours for Christmas.

Feeding and watering people is just what you do if you invite people round to your house. You may as well start inviting people and saying, ‘you’ll have had your tea’.