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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel insulted for having to pay for Christmas dinner at my SIL?

360 replies

Headwir3 · 06/01/2019 21:05

My SIL said she would host Christmas this year as she has a big new house and plenty of room for us all. I asked if I should bring something and she said she would just do a shop and split the cost. She did suggest we bring our own alcohol. I thought it was a little odd, as did my hubby but he reminded me that she was cheap and the food wouldn’t cost that much anyway! Best to just agree with it instead of making a fuss.

Anyway we had Christmas, I took up 5 bottles of wine (only drank one and my hubby didn’t drink any). Left them there when we left. We were given cereal for breakfast and tinned soup for lunch and a basic Christmas dinner. No puddings and just a little cheese for desert.

We just got the bill... it came to £40 each! AIBU to feel angry and insulted by this all? It doesn’t seem right to hand over money. Especially to family. Also I feel really ripped off! I don’t want to upset my husband, but his family are a new level of cheap. If I did that to my brother, he probably wouldn’t speak to me again!

OP posts:
QuietContraryMary · 07/01/2019 00:36

how much was your wine?

OVienna · 07/01/2019 00:39

She can't be charging you £40 per toddler as well. She just can't.

But there is no question I would just hand over the money and silently seethe. I'd have to address it.

You could apologise for not asking first what she had anticipating spending but explain it was far in excess of what you'd expected. It depends on how defensive she's likely to get.

Teddy1970 · 07/01/2019 00:45

Bloody hell, she's going to rake in £280 and she decided not to charge the toddlers THIS year? It had obviously crossed her mind to charge them but thought better of it, what price did she have in mind for them? £15 per head? I agree with some of the other posters that if you host ANY kind of meal you don't flippin well charge them....it's so crass, but if guests want to offer some wine, flowers or fancy chocolates than that's a nice gesture, but as a host I wouldn't expect it..

flatulencebythebucket · 07/01/2019 00:47

I wouldn't pay a penny.

Curious2468 · 07/01/2019 00:47

We accepted £20 a family when we hosted and had a very expensive (£125 😳😱) joint of meat, lots of snacks, nice pudding, some drinks etc and tbh I think if I hosted again I would suggest a lower amount. Everyone bought bits to contribute and we all ate and drank plenty. I sent people home with leftovers too.

For a standard meal £40 each is ridiculous! One of the families that came was 6 people and £20 still likely covered their costs!

steadtler · 07/01/2019 01:52

We could afford to host but understand some couldn't so I don't see the issue with this.

I think that suggesting the cost is split ahead of time is fine but making a profit isn't.

loubluee · 07/01/2019 02:30

Several years ago I hosted Christmas dinner for 18, 3 course meal. I didn’t expect a penny and wasn’t offered a penny, people are with some deserts and lots of wine, beer etc. Why not because we all do stuff for each other so it all works out throughout the year.

MaggieFS · 07/01/2019 03:41

That's daft. When I host I expect to provide everything but plan carefully and take anyone who offers to bring something up on it. In this situation as the guest, I would expect to take what I've been asked to bring plus a thank you gift eg bottle of nice wine.

I'd probably go down the 'seeing as we're being specific route, please can you tell me what cost so much, plus deduct £xx for the wine I left'

And not go back!

runoutofgasagain · 07/01/2019 05:37

Deduct the cost of the wine off the bill 

This, definitely this.

Ethel36 · 07/01/2019 05:47

Only send £40. Ignore requests for more. Decline futher invitations.

sparkling123 · 07/01/2019 07:27

So let's say there were 10 adults, that's £400 for food...? No way does it cost that much for what you've said you ate! I would ask her where she shops and how much it all cost. Was she charging board as well? HmmShock

Monkeymoo21 · 07/01/2019 07:35

sparkling123

She shopped at ALDI and there were 7 adults

sparkling123 · 07/01/2019 07:37

Just read updates, that is still crazy and I agree with other posters, deduct the wine from your bill.
£200 in Aldi can feed way more than 7 adults for Christmas (excluding turkey), and have included more cheese and desserts. If I paid £40 in a restaurant I would be expecting a really good quality meal (maybe not 4 courses). She should have just asked everyone to bring something, that's what my family do and saves one person stumping up all the money.

SpikyHedgehogg · 07/01/2019 07:38

It’s your husband’s side of the family so I’d leave it all to him and pay your part of whatever he decides. I wouldn’t get involved at all,

Aeroflotgirl · 07/01/2019 07:42

Let your dh deal with it, as it is his sister, and don't go next year, they may well charge your kids next year, very crass and greedy. Don't host if you are going to do that.

NameChangeNugget · 07/01/2019 07:46

YANBU.

She’s embarrassing herself

FinallyHere · 07/01/2019 07:47

My issue is the exchanging of money between family for food

@Headwir3 Having agreed in advance to split the costs, I would just pay and make sure not to agree to anything like that again.

If that amount is likely to leave you short, you could tell her that you will pay in instalments, but do pay.

Canibuildasnowman · 07/01/2019 07:52

Pay it. She’s a cheap cow but pay it. Lesson learned, next time - if there is a next time- don’t bring load of wine or anything else. I’d let your husband deal with it/pay it ( I know it’s reall all the same money when you’re married but it would make me feel a little better!)
I have a friend couple like this - it’s a shame as it’s got to the point where we have little to do with them, sick of picking up the tab, having them dodge rounds after accepting drinks from everyone else, turning up to parties totally empty handed or ‘forgetting’ to bring cash out.
I doubt it cost £80 to fed the both of you but I would refuse any further invitations.

Willbeatjanuaryblues · 07/01/2019 07:52

Op I would defiantly ask if you this bill has includes the 🍷 you left there. Tell her the cost the the wine and that you would like it back or it must be deducted from the the bill.

If she is going to do This she must respect your asking about the wine.

Your paying her for hosting so there are no usual hosting gifts et so.

Op this is utterly crazy for me too. I can't get over it.
If we had more room than anyone else and we really couldn't afford to host but everyone wanted us too I would ask if people could maybe contribute something and ask if I that was OK first.. Some food, or alcohol! Alcohol always the most expensive! Or maybe a tenner each!

But I would only do that if we really couldn't afford it. But none else really had the room!!

Onlyjoinedforthisthread · 07/01/2019 07:54

Hang on you say your problem is paying anything for food
My issue is the exchanging of money between family for food! I come from a culture where we feed people no matter the cost. I don’t want to cause a rift between my DH, in laws and SIL but it has made me feel really uncomfortable.
However in your first post you said she told you before you went the cost would be split My SIL said she would host Christmas this year as she has a big new house and plenty of room for us all. I asked if I should bring something and she said she would just do a shop and split the cost

The 40 quid is irrelevant as you aren't complaining about the amount your issue is paying at all and as you agreed to do that in advance YABU if you don't agree with paying you should have said before you went.
If you had been complaining about the amount you may have had a case but you have stated that isn't the issue

Willbeatjanuaryblues · 07/01/2019 07:55

Definitely don't go next year and be honest. Say you feel you can get more food and quality food for your money.

This is a the thing isn't it when a ruthless business charge comes in, takes away family being with family etc.

Be honest!

Willbeatjanuaryblues · 07/01/2019 07:56

Only, I would say 80 for a couple is a considerable amount!

NewPapaGuinea · 07/01/2019 07:57

Going out to a restaurant for a 3 course meal is less than £40pp WITH drinks. I know xmas will be more, but they inflate their costs as their costs are higher (double/triple time staff) so to be charged this for, what sounds like, a very basic meal is a pisstake.

I’d ask for a breakdown. She’ll probably get stroppy and say forget it, then you know she was pulling a fast one.

EvaHarknessRose · 07/01/2019 07:59

A turkey from the butchers could have been upwards of £50, there are other costs of hosting if you don’t do it very often like enough plates, cutlery, glasses, buying new/extra bedding or pillows or covers. I spent £290 on food and drink hosting 8-10 over 3 days, but the turkey was a cheap small one.

I think the message is ‘we are not going to be taken for granted for hosting, pay up or shut up’ and I am wholly on her side. Hosting is a terrible burden.

flumpybear · 07/01/2019 08:00

Ask for her calculations, a turkey would be around £40-50 (we bought a large crown which cost £30)
Veg was around £5
Trimmings £10 max including sauces
Pudding £15, cheeses and biscuits £10
Wine - £50 ish

I'd guess she spent way less than 100 after your description of what she served ... sounds like you're being touched up for the whole lot!
Renthe wine ... remind her - ask if it's still there and can she post it back to you 😆