To ask for your embarrassing toddler moments that would be hilarious if they happened to some one else

[Tmtiger]

I am writing a comedy novel and want a few scenes where the perfectionist mothers attempts to get everything perfect are completely cut down by her children in humiliating or ridiculous ways.

Would you mind sharing your stories a) for everyone to have a chuckle and b)to perhaps get me out of my writer's block

My husband arranged for me to meet my idol. I was talking to him and my toddler kept trying to get my attention, I kept saying "in a minute darling we are talking". We both turn to her and watch her pull up nappy falling down, heavily soaked in urine. Ground open and swallow me up.

Sat in Frankie & Bennys with my ex and his nephew who was 6 at the time. Waitress comes over after the meal and asks nephew if he would like his ice cream that came free with the kids meal. Me and my ex both replied yes at the same time as his nephew very loudly declares "but mummy said I can't have anything sweet cos I've got wiggly worms in my poo". I honestly didn't know where to put myself!

Dp had 8 friends around to watch a sporting event, in walks ds2 age 2, with my fancy red bra on his head- his head filling the whole of one cup, saying ‘I’m wearing mummy’s booby knickers’ I died.......

(I’m just glad it wasn’t a manky white then grey one!!)

My eldest child would run off. I put her in reins but she was a monkey with them. She would dangle like a puppet in them and i nearly tripped over her several times.

My most humiliating moment came shopping in the local Co op. Dd1 was on reins but managed to swoop along the gondola display of wine bottles smashing the whole lot to the ground. It was awful broken glass and wine everywhere. The staff were brilliant and didn’t charge me for the damage.

A few years later I was talking to the lady at the check out. The shop had had a change around and the wine was no longer stacked en route to the check out. I remarked about the change of layout.

To my horrror the check out lady told me the tale of a terrible toddler smashing the wine previously. I should have kept quiet but I just wanted her to stop. In a strained voice I informed her that the terrible toddler was mine. Cue embarrassment all round. Oh the shame

Ds (4) overheard my friend talking to me about her grandmothers death. Grandmother was 97, had lived a good life and died of old age. What ds took from this conversation was that old people die.

We visited my aunt over Christmas and when we got there ds greated her with a cheery "oh hello aunty Kate, i am glad youre not dead today" cue stunned silence from all of us.... " because you are so old, so you will probably be dead soon" . He said all this in such a hopeful enthusiastic way with a huge grin..

Mortified. There is nothing quite like starting off a christmas visit to a family member with your child eagerly predicting their imminent death.

When dd was in reception i used to put her underwear and uniform on her bed and she would dress herself. One morning we were in the line waiting to go into school when she announced she was cold because she didn't have any pants on, I replied that of course she had pants on. She shouted, 'No I don't. See' and lifted her pinafore dress to show everyone her bare bottom. The TA offered her some spare pants but I still went back home to get her own pair, which were still on the bed, and went to the school office to hand the pants in and explain what had happened. DD was in assembly in the hall and she saw me through the glass in the door, apparantly she stood up, started to take her pants off as she was walking towards the door, the headteacher asked what she was doing and she told the whole school that she was taking her scratchy pants off and getting her nice ones. The TA was almost crying with laughter when she brought her out to me.

The TA was almost crying with laughter when she brought her out to me.

I don't blame her, I was crying laughing at that

My Dad died before my grandad. Then 7 year old ds1 went up to my grandad and asked him very matter of factly why he wasn't dead yet.

Went to a church wedding with ds 18 months, wanted to sit at the back but ended up about three pews from the alter where the bride and groom were. After about 30 minutes ds started grumbling and wanting to run around so I said to dh to take him outside. Ds waiting till he got into the aisle before shouting in an unusually clear voice 'bye bye to the bride and groom, waving at them as his dad quickly marched him out. Luckily people found it funny but so embrassing when the lady in front turns round to me a asks is that your son

Rodenhide - you win!! Bugger off to Mary and Jospeh!!

DD2 who is 3 recently decided, while I was waiting for the changing room, to run to the nearest curtain and twirl around in it...
Some poor woman was completely exposed in just her bra and pants trying desperately to cover her dignity and DD2 though it was hilarious... I was so ashamed but she was so quick

Another one when DS was small - we went to a big family event at a local park. Again, DS needs the toilet so off we go to the portaloos. DS does his thing and I decide I might as well go while I'm there.

I was just in mid flow when DS managed to unlock the door which swung open to reveal me to the rather large queue that was waiting outside. I couldn't stand up to reach the door to close it. Thankfully someone took pity on me and held it shut until I got sorted.

my son used to get my husbands two brothers mixed up. they looked nothing alike so zero idea why he did. But seeing them twice a year apparently had that affect on him.

Fast forward to brother 1s wedding. They asked DS to be pageboy, he looked all cute, played his part well and then stood on the front row away from me. Ceremony comes to an end and Im beaming with bride that my lively 3yo has behaved himself for the entire ceremony and not eaten the rings or kicked a flower girl. Comes to the kiss the bride part and DS turns to me (3 rows back) and shouts "mummy why is he kissing HER? He usually kisses the blonde lady (brother 2s wife).

AWKWARD.

At a softplay with a friend and realised that her DS (aged about 3 or 4 at the time) hadn't been seen for a few minutes... in fact not since there had been a call for the people who were at X's party to come to the party room...
Yes, we found him happily sat in the party room with a group of complete strangers and a plate full of food!!!
She gently extracted him.
So pleased it wasn't MY child!!!

My son has a bad habit of saying 'have you trumped?' Very loud, in public

My dd once threw an ice lolly over the edge of a balcony in a shopping centre while having a howling tantrum. It went right down to the cafe below and landed in a lady's paper shopping bag which was on the floor. The chance of this happening was about a million to one. I had to go down very red faced, apologise, and just hope above hope that the item in the bag wasn't ruined as I was a skint single mum and I couldn't afford to replace anything if it was damaged. She hadn't even noticed, so she thought I was very odd and she gave me a proper bollocking too when I explained. And I cried all the way to my car.

Sitting on the platform at York station, waiting for a train. A man, who was smoking a pipe, came and sat down next to ds1, who was about 3 at the time. The conversation went thus:

Ds1 - What is that in your mouth, man?

Smoking man - it’s a pipe.

Ds1 - Hmm - what are you doing with it?

SM - Smoking.

Ds1 - You are going to die!

Luckily the man thought it was funny. We still cite this as the reason ds1 could never have a career in the Diplomatic Corps. Neither dh nor I were smokers and I have no idea where he had picked up the anti smoking message.

Not sure that mine is funny as it made me look like a total racist.

DS was an excellent early talker and picked up loads of nursery rhymes well before he was two. Anyway, DH and I used to walk to playgroup at the same time every morning and regularly crossed with a black lady and her similarly aged toddler walking in the other direction. We got into the habit of saying, "Good morning" to each other, the toddlers waving to each other from their buggies etc.

Anyone, one morning as they were approaching, I said to DS, "Look DS, say hello to the babba," only for him to shriek delightedly on the top of his voice, "Baa baa black sheep!"

I was absolutely mortified that the lady would think I was some sort of racist. Still cringing now, 20 years on.

DS and I walked to playgroup, not DH.

My 6 year old DS, apropos of nothing in a meeting with his headteacher, informed her that "my daddy is an incredibly hairy man".

The headteacher just nodded thoughtfully.

My then 3 year old was having a tantrum over something stupid and told me he was so angry he would do a poo on the floor which he then proceeded to do. I couldn’t keep a straight face cleaning it up. Same toddler pulled on my tracksuit bottoms in the supermarket and pulled them right down so I was standing in aldi in my knickers

The town we live in has very few people of any ethnicity other than pasty white Scottish.

Took DS age 3 to the local swimming pool and there was a black guy in the pool (looking v hot and muscular in speedos). DS then asked in his loudest voice if the man was made of chocolate.

I tried to explain about the advert DS had seen and the bloke was really good about it but it was just excruciating.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=Uf0l6D2Memk

I'm hiding in the toilets at work reading these trying not to giggle too much and Korvalscat's story has finished me off.

I didn't particularly like one of the GPs at our old surgery after she'd misdiagnosed me twice for different things, I always asked to see a different GP. One afternoon I needed an urgent appointment so didn't get a say in which doctor it would be with as urgent appointments are on a first come, first served basis. My turn comes and I go to the room, it's the GP I don't like. My then-3yo DD pipes up "oh NO, Mammy! It's the rubbish doctor!" I ignore her but she persists "isn't it? Mammy? Mam? Mam? MAMMY!? It is, isn't it? The rubbish doctor? Mam? Is it the rubbish doctor?" I told her to hush which took as an indication that she should whisper instead so sat there whispering the question over and over. I could not get out of that room fast enough.

Same child has form for it. DH works full time so it was rare that he would pick her up from preschool as it was a midday finish. DD decided to explain his absence by telling her teachers "my daddy is in jail". Then when he did get a day off and went to pick her up she wanted me to collect her so told her teacher "that's not my daddy, I don't know who that is". Luckily the teacher knew him!

Know-all daughter, aged 4, feeding the ducks:
'You can tell a male swan because he has a big black knob!'
The 'on his beak' part got lost in the general laughter of everyone present...