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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to say no to this holiday?

53 replies

AmeliaranneStiggins · 06/01/2019 20:23

My dad has a big birthday coming up this year. He’s decided that he’d really like to celebrate by going away somewhere sunny with the whole family. He and my brother have been looking online and seen some self-catering villas available about 4-5 hours’ flight away.

My problem is that DP and I have a DD with a learning disability, autism and physical disabilities. She’ll be 5 by the time of the trip.

Previous holidays have been incredibly stressful and the thought of taking her on a flight for more than a couple of hours makes me want to cry. It’s always tricky making wherever we stay safe for her, especially the sleeping arrangements, and there’s no relaxation time at all. The rest of the family has a great time while we wrestle with DD, trying to stop her killing herself or destroying her surroundings.

On top of this, I’m really not a good flier. The way I get through flights is to zone out completely, listening to music and reading unchallenging novels. I won’t be able to do that while looking after DD.

My feeling is that if we’re all going to go away, I’d much prefer it to be somewhere a bit nearer - either driving distance or a couple of hours’ flight max - and where we can check the safety and accessibility thoroughly first.

But when I raised this today, some family members looked really pissed off - I get the impression they’ve set their heart on this destination and think I’m just being difficult.

I could do with some perspective, please - am I just being a killjoy and should we just suck it up for the sake of family harmony?

OP posts:

Chamomileteaplease · 06/01/2019 20:25

In answer to your question YANBU. Say no but tell the rest of the family to go ahead. Surely they can understand how it would be the opposite of a holiday for you?

Awrite · 06/01/2019 20:26

Say no. Put your child first. Ignore family members that are not thinking of you.

YANBU

Hisnamesblaine · 06/01/2019 20:26

I wouldn't. You'd be on tenderhooks the whole time

parrotonmyshoulder · 06/01/2019 20:26

Could DP stay at home with your daughter and you go for a few days on the holiday?

My in laws would make holiday suggestions like this and be offended if we didn’t go. My own parents never would as they understand the children’s (and parents’) needs so much more.

Lolo1845 · 06/01/2019 20:27

Yanbu. Say no but tell them to go ahead. I'm sure they will understand.

MimiSunshine · 06/01/2019 20:28

Sorry family but that’s not a suitable holiday for us, nor would it be enjoyable for us definitely but probably you to so we’ll opt out. Have a great time though and we’ll go for a meal when you’re back.

Is all you need to say

Maelstrop · 06/01/2019 20:28

Just don't go, it sounds way too stressful for you, but I can understand others wanting to go.

Original poster

AmeliaranneStiggins · 06/01/2019 20:29

Could DP stay at home with your daughter and you go for a few days on the holiday?

DP has actually suggested this, but I’d feel a bit mean going off and having fun without him. DD is lovely but seriously hard work.

OP posts:

HundredMilesAnHour · 06/01/2019 20:29

YABU. It's a special birthday and your father should be allowed to celebrate it where he wants and how he wants. You're being a killjoy. If It doesn't work for you, don't go.

altiara · 06/01/2019 20:29

From what you’ve written, I’d say no too. Well I say that, but I’m more of a people pleaser so I’d struggle with saying no, but if I thought it was going to be as bad as you’ve described I would definitely say no because there’s just nothing positive about your previous experiences and your family members don’t sound helpful.

Cherries101 · 06/01/2019 20:30

It sounds like they deliberately chose the destination so you and your DD wouldn’t go. I wouldn’t want to get involved — tell them you’ve said your piece and to go ahead without you.

Dollymixture22 · 06/01/2019 20:31

Could you afford two holidays? This one without DD and then another one which DD could enjoy? Short flights, short stay, sand between her toes, easily managed environment?

Dollymixture22 · 06/01/2019 20:32

But obviously only if you feel comfortable leaving her and only if you want to go.

anniehm · 06/01/2019 20:32

Could a trip to the west coast of France be a good compromise - it's abroad, they can fly, you can drive. I can even recommend an amazing chateaux which we stayed in with our autistic dd, 3 reception rooms and one of the bedrooms came off another, perfect for her, huge garden too and affordable price.

Poodloo · 06/01/2019 20:32

Your DH sounds lovely. I'd take him up on the offer and go away with your family.
It sounds very stressful and it might be nice for you to also get a little break.

Original poster

AmeliaranneStiggins · 06/01/2019 20:34

I think it would be tricky to manage two holidays, especially as they’d both have to be in school holidays, so ££££. I do want to take DD somewhere beachy this summer as she absolutely adores splashing around in the sea (and that’s another reason I feel guilty - DD would probably have a great time, but DP and I would be nervous wrecks).

OP posts:

GhostSauce · 06/01/2019 20:36

Hmm, is a 2hr flight much different to 4hr? Are your family good at helping with her?

Obviously we have no idea of what her disabilities are, but if the holiday would be zero enjoyment for you and only stress, then I think it's absolutely fair to say you are unable to go.

I know it's your DFs birthday, but I don't think that means you should have to be utterly stressed out and unhappy for a week.

Original poster

AmeliaranneStiggins · 06/01/2019 20:36

Could a trip to the west coast of France be a good compromise - it's abroad, they can fly, you can drive.

That’s where we went a couple of years ago and it was great - we drove, and stayed in a cottage owned by an English couple so we were able to have a thorough safety discussion first!
Unfortunately, the hot weather won’t be guaranteed by the time we need to go and my dad really wants sun.

OP posts:

Disfordarkchocolate · 06/01/2019 20:38

I don't think there would be much family harmony if your daughter is injured or damages something because what has been planned is not suitable. If he want everyone to come meeting your daughters basic needs to be safe and not stressed is not negotiable. State clearly that this is not suitable and leave them to it.

CottonSock · 06/01/2019 20:38

You should go! It sounds like parenting your dd is hard work and you deserve it. Dp could have a weekend away with a mate? A cheap UK holiday suitable for all of you. I had a friend with a severely autistic dd and her parents had a holiday without her once. Much deserved.

Original poster

AmeliaranneStiggins · 06/01/2019 20:38

@anniehm - would you mind PMing me the details? I’m on the hunt for a suitable place for our summer holiday.

OP posts:

CherryPavlova · 06/01/2019 20:40

If he wants you there then he’d have chosen somewhere you would both enjoy and be able to manage your child. I think you need to talk to him honestly and without emotion about the complications with his choice.

Aridane · 06/01/2019 20:50

I think you are perhaps a tiny bit unreasonable as DH is ready, willing and able to look after DD while you go by yourself

Birdsgottafly · 06/01/2019 20:50

I think you should go.

We are going to have another hot summer and the UK has blue flag beaches, if that suits your DDs needs, so no need for two 'abroad' holidays.

Tbh, it might be worth getting your head around not being able to do things as a complete family. Or you and your DH are going to miss out.

I say that as the Mother of two children with SN, one with LDs, Autism and complex needs.

I posted on here many years ago, asking if it was OK to be leaving my DD (with my Mum) so I could have holidays that wasn't suitable for her, or she didn't want to do.

The consensus was to go.

nicoala1 · 06/01/2019 20:52

Sorry now, but Dad should have chosen a spot within everyone's capabilities, and acklowledged your difficulties too. But I am sure his intentions were good.

Sunny times are not a guarantee of harmony either. But what can you do?

I would discuss with DAD first, and if he insists on abroad well then you might decline. See what he thinks about that. Be nice and cordial. The man may not realise what's involved with other people's situations.

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