to say no to this holiday?

[AmeliaranneStiggins]

My dad has a big birthday coming up this year. He’s decided that he’d really like to celebrate by going away somewhere sunny with the whole family. He and my brother have been looking online and seen some self-catering villas available about 4-5 hours’ flight away.

My problem is that DP and I have a DD with a learning disability, autism and physical disabilities. She’ll be 5 by the time of the trip.

Previous holidays have been incredibly stressful and the thought of taking her on a flight for more than a couple of hours makes me want to cry. It’s always tricky making wherever we stay safe for her, especially the sleeping arrangements, and there’s no relaxation time at all. The rest of the family has a great time while we wrestle with DD, trying to stop her killing herself or destroying her surroundings.

On top of this, I’m really not a good flier. The way I get through flights is to zone out completely, listening to music and reading unchallenging novels. I won’t be able to do that while looking after DD.

My feeling is that if we’re all going to go away, I’d much prefer it to be somewhere a bit nearer - either driving distance or a couple of hours’ flight max - and where we can check the safety and accessibility thoroughly first.

But when I raised this today, some family members looked really pissed off - I get the impression they’ve set their heart on this destination and think I’m just being difficult.

I could do with some perspective, please - am I just being a killjoy and should we just suck it up for the sake of family harmony?

Honestly, if you would be prepared to have a couple of hours flight why does an extra hour or so make such a difference? I get that the whole holiday will be very difficult, but I really don’t get why one is acceptable and the other not? Are you sure this is not to do with your own anxieties? (and fair play if it is, but better to admit to yourself that this is the issue)

I'd simply say you cannot go. It's not like you are asking them to change destination. Let them off and do their thing. They will never truly understand what it is like to have a child with extra needs but it's a shame they cannot even try to take your concerns on board. If they really want you there they will go somewhere suitable for your dd. TBH I think it's a bit ott expecting people to go away on holiday to celebrate a birthday, no matter what the age.

Sounds difficult. However, I would either take DH's offer and go and relax for a few days or all go and play "pass the baton (of responsibility)".

DH and I used to do this on family holidays (where extended family were present). We'd all be together but we'd designate who had "the baton" with DS. Whoever had it was responsible for having the eyes in the back of the head/attending to all needs etc. Including entertaining, removing/distracting/whatever as the need arose. Leaving the other one able to relax and breathe. We'd usually take it in turns and "handover" mid afternoon. It meant the relaxing one had a stress free evening meal, drinks after, get up whenever, lunch. And because it was alternated it lessened any potential resentment of one enjoying themselves more than the other etc. Worked for us anyway

I'd ignore other family members. It's your dad's birthday, and you have to balance his wants with your daughters needs. Surely he won't want you and your family to have an awful time. Th choices are you go somewhere else, you go by yourself, or you try and combine the two (you go for a couple of days and then go somewhere else with your family). If he is reasonable then you'll be able to sort it out if you chat it through with him. If you don't go then I'd offer to do something else nice with him to make up for it

I'd go and leave your DP with your DD.

@Hisnamesblaine

I'm really sorry, I know I'm being very rude but it's tenterhooks not tenderhooks.

I'm sorry; I'm being a dick. It's the only typing error I just can't stand, and seen it a few times on here. The rage is taking over. I'm sorry!

If your DP is able to look after DD and let you go on your own, and you think it’s something you would enjoy, then take him up on his offer. My oldest son had a severe physical disability and I refused to take him on a plane due to the amount of man handling involved - we drove over to France and Spain and stayed in adapted accommodation, and as he got bigger we would hire the different equipment he needed. Going on holiday was always a huge undertaking - so no you are DNBU. I agree your DF should have thought more about your DD’s needs - do the family actually understand how much extra support she requires, or do you do such a fab job you make it look easy? If DD is happy and laughing they might not understand the level of care and support you actually provide to make this happen. I would never have gone away with my parents without my husband and children, but that’s down to my family relationships. If this could work for you, go away and enjoy time with your DF. But a big bit of me would be thinking he’s not given much thought to having his GDD there too - again that’s my issues tho (sorry)

We are going to have another hot summer and the UK has blue flag beaches, if that suits your DDs needs, so no need for two 'abroad' holidays.

I’m not hung up about whether the holiday is abroad or not - it’s more the cost of 2 holidays in quick succession. We went to Cornwall last year and DD had a wonderful time.

To PP asking what the difference is between a 2-hour and a 5-hour flight - 2 hours feels doable because DD could probably be on the iPad for most of it. Any longer than that and we’re entering hyperactive nightmare territory.

And I love the idea of passing the baton of responsibility, but previous family holidays have proved that the baton just bounces back and forth between me and DP while the rest of the family relaxes!

Another perspective - DH has offered to stay and you go. Perhaps you need the break and the time off, your DC sounds like you have to work very hard indeed perhaps it would do you good. Could you then have a UK beach holiday later?

YADNBU I also have a dd with autism and learning delays and the flight would be the worry for me. We have done it and it was awful! And funnily enough the rest of our family who were the driving force for the holiday very quickly became interested in their books/films/being asleep whilst we were dealing with the melt downs. We now only fly anywhere that's under 3 hours and find that much better. With regards to accomodation have a look at the family travel websites that cater for tots etc.. as they're geared towards young families so fairly good safety wise. It won't be a holiday for you if you can't relax and you're getting no sleep. I hope you can find a happy compromise.

Of course you don't have to go. But I understand why your dad wants to go somewhere sunny. A 2 hour flight maximum is incredibly restrictive.

If the rest of the family are so keen for you to be there. Ask them to contribute to the cost of a carer on holiday too so that you can enjoy the holiday too!

God, I love the idea of taking a carer with us! Or even just staying somewhere with a kids’ club that could meet DD’s needs.

I’m sure my dad is keen for his granddaughter to be there - he’s just got a bit carried away at the thought of autumn sun. He does have form for this - five years ago, he was upset that we wouldn’t go abroad to celebrate his birthday because it was 2 weeks after DD’s life-saving open heart surgery...

Was going to suggest what love has suggested. Is there anyway you could take a extra person spacificly to look after dd?

I know exactly how you feel, I also have a dd with autism and we had some awful holidays when she was younger (it has got easier as she’s got older), she turned the gas on when we were staying in one place whilst we were asleep. I couldnt have coped going on holiday with family unless they were going to be helpful, we have never been abroad, always stayed in the uk so we can come home if we need too.

I get you, however I think you should just step back and let your dad do what he wants for his birthday.

Try and leave guilt out of the equation for a moment and ask yourself which of these two holidays you prefer (and allow yourself to be selfish!).

Holiday 1 - you go on the family holiday alone, your DD and DP stay at home and you get a break from childcare.

Holiday 2 - you don't go on the family holiday and go on a holiday with your DD and DP.

I think going to the far-flung location with your DD is a no-no and it seems a bit unfair to ask them to change their dream destination, so I think these are your two options. Both of them will make you feel guilty in some way, either for not going to the family celebration or not holidaying with your DD and DP. So as you'll feel guilt either way, you may as well choose the holiday that appeals to you most.

Try not to tie yourself in knots on the guilt front. If you holiday without DD remember that she and DP will both benefit from a well-rested mum / co-parent.

Thanks for all the replies - it’s been very helpful. I’ll definitely give some more thought to going away on my own - DP and I were talking this morning about the fact that we’re both very bad at putting on our own oxygen masks first, as the SEN parenting cliche has it.
And if need be, I’ll tell my dad that he’ll have to go without us but we’ll do something else lovely to mark his birthday.

Gatwick Airport give out sunflower lanyards to people with additional needs. This means you don't have to queue anywhere. Also it means the flight attendants can give more support. They were brilliant with ds1 when he had a meltdown on a flight to America. We stood in the kitchen while he screamed. On our flight in the summer the captain invited him and his brother to look in the flight deck. Ds1 has: asc, add (no hyperactivity), dyspraxia, sensory integration disorder, sensory disorder and I feel like there's one more but I can't remember it.
In both countries they knew about the lanyard and were just as helpful. The hotel were helpful too.
If you are brave enough, there is help out there. But having a dc with additional needs is so hard. Especially when they have an invisible disability. But you might have fun when you get there. Also my ds1 finds it useful to research the plane, place, food in restaurants, hotel etc in advance. It is possible to go abroad. But only if you want to.

I'd give your dad the facts so he can decide. If you need the flight to be within a set limit, tell him it's non-negotiable and he can decide what's most important. Because it sounds like he can have two of the three :
The holiday is at his autumn birthday vs in the summer
His whole family go vs you can't attend
The destination is 5 hours away vs closer

Take up DH offer. Alternatively talk to your dad about either changing venue or arrange some special time to celebrate his birthday separately with your family. Be guided by his wishes and your needs as a family.

I'd either go by yourself for a few days or just say no. They don't have to go somewhere so far away so if they're not prepared to make it easier for your family they can't have it both bloody ways!
I went on a family too this summer with the in laws, it was hard work without any of the additional complications you've described. I wouldn't go and wouldn't let them make me feel bad about it either.

I definitely would say no.

DP has actually suggested this, but I’d feel a bit mean going off and having fun without him. DD is lovely but seriously hard work.
I actually thing this is a great idea. Respite for us SN parents is really, really important. I’d take advantage of it if he offered and return the favour later so he can have a break.

To be honest I would be more than a bit disappointed if my family organized something like this and didn't take us into consideration at all, but of course that's pretty much par for the course as I know only too well as the mum of two autistic/ADHD/Sensory processing difficulties children. It really is no holiday if you have to suffer meltdowns on the journey and constant anxiety whilst away. Most airports do additional help for SEN children and adults. We have had an escort around all the fast pass bits, no queueing, and first on the plane on our own before the scrum which is the best system but the lanyard is good too. This is an absolute godsend. It has got easier as they have got older. We have to separate them on different sides of the isle otherwise it is mayhem!

I have no advice to give other than we have found it has got easier over the years. This year we are trying transatlantic for the first time but they are now 16 and 14! Wish us luck!

Just to mention, our family is very close and we see each other regularly.

But there is no way we would all congregate for a holiday. Recipe for disaster. I mean that in the best possible way. Too many for comfort and cohesion!

Rather leave it as is, and enjoy everything now.