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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to wonder how people can afford to get married, buy a house AND have children??

161 replies

diamondeyes10 · 06/01/2019 16:30

Just that really...

I am approaching 30 and I have been with my partner for 4 years.

I have numerous comments from others assuming that we are going to get engaged soon and have children, honestly we are struggling to scrape a deposit together to buy a house and it is taking a very long time! I know people have different priorities but I really don't know how people can afford it all nowadays (except for the obvious reasons!)

I'm not sure what I am wanting to get out of this thread, but enjoying having a little moan!

OP posts:

thebaronetofcockburn · 06/01/2019 16:35

Well, we had a very small wedding - immediate family only and then a meal at my parents house after, that's it. A church wedding.

We also worked opposing shifts so no childcare. That was very hard and we did it for years. We lived in a one-bed flat with 2 kids for a while and then in a 2-bed flat with 3 for a bit to save.

I wouldn't bother with getting engaged and having a wedding, personally. I'd just go straight for the marriage with just immediate family there and a meal after.

Bambamber · 06/01/2019 16:35

My husband lived with his parents well into his twenties which allowed him to save for a deposit. After we moved in we both had reasonably well paying jobs and low outgoings so we had enough to put by plenty for our wedding and savings for a child

SadCupcake · 06/01/2019 16:37

I got married for under £500 altogether.
Expecting our first baby and have a savings account for them.
Been saving a deposit for a house since I was 14, husband started when he was 16.

I don't necessarily think it's that difficult to do if you're good with budgeting money.

Boyskeepswinging · 06/01/2019 16:38

You don't have to spend a fortune on getting married. It's as expensive as you want it to be.
There are lots of helpful threads on MN with really excellent tips on how you can spend less and therefore put more money towards a deposit.
My tip for affording kids is to just have the one. My DS would not be getting the opportunities he gets now if we had more than one - we could not afford it.
As you say, it's all about priorities. My bathroom is desperately in need of a facelift but I'd rather spend that money on my DS. A new bathroom would not get me any cleaner, it would just look smarter.

WhoTFIsAlanBrazil · 06/01/2019 16:39

We had a cheap wedding then saved up for a few years after that for a decent deposit. We are lucky that we were both on decent incomes and got childcare vouchers etc. but money was definitely tight until DD started school

FuckingYuleLog · 06/01/2019 16:41

Very small wedding here too - register office, high st dress, taxi for wedding car, home made cake, friends doing photos and buffet for guests.
It makes me wince the amount people are willing to pay for one day when they aren’t particularly well off. I’d have hated to spend thousands that could have gone into my children’s savings account.

Danglingmod · 06/01/2019 16:45

Tiny wedding, saved up for deposit for house all through Uni, etc, no travelling, no holidays at all for about 7 years. All furniture and white goods second hand in first house. Very, very frugal with baby purchases (you don't need much at all, plus breastfeeding). Then working 4 days each - different days - to save on childcare.

Money's more important later when they're older. Once ds was 11 we'd paid off mortgage and could afford private school fees!

IStillMissBlockbuster · 06/01/2019 16:48

At the risk of sounding like a twat....my parents paid for my big wedding, they contributed a huge amount to my home and while I don't have children right now I could afford it thanks to their handouts only.

lightlypoached · 06/01/2019 16:49

We had the kids first and got married years later - a cheap and very wonderful wedding.

Original poster

diamondeyes10 · 06/01/2019 16:50

Luckily I really would not want a big fancy wedding, it really is not my scene (not that I am even engaged yet haha!) we both have a small family and a small group of friends, something low key really would suit us well !

Quite a few of my friends are getting married and moving in to lovely houses and I can't help but compare ourselves trying to live super frugally over a long period of time to try and buy a house! I know I shouldn't compare to others, but I can't help but wonder!

OP posts:

MeOldChina · 06/01/2019 16:50

It would be hard to do it all at once. We were engaged while we saved for a deposit, then go married a year later, and started TTC just after that. We've been together since 2013.

I guess we just never miss the money as we've always had to live like that.

Guineapiglet345 · 06/01/2019 16:52

We had a register office wedding.

Bought a house in a town 30 miles away from where we used to rent because it was a much cheaper (ie not very desirable) area & it hadn’t been modernised since the 1960s so need a lot of work done and we offered well below the asking price.

We only have one child because that’s what we can afford, I’d love to have another but we’d have to cut right back, ie no holidays, no eating out, never having new things and I don’t think that would be much of a childhood.

Talula1993 · 06/01/2019 16:53

Two of my friends just got married. One was with a 15k loan, the other 1/3 savings, 1/3 gift 1/3 finance.

The thought of a 15 k debt for a wedding scares me but i guess the latter is a bit more reasonable in my eyes, still not sure i would do it.

longwayoff · 06/01/2019 16:53

You can but not all at the same time.

kaytee87 · 06/01/2019 16:54

Well some people earn more money or inherit money.

Birdie6 · 06/01/2019 16:54

Cheap and cheerful wedding. Bought an old house . Then had the kids .

Redgreencoverplant · 06/01/2019 16:57

Our wedding was £2000 and we managed to get a 100% mortgage. We afford childcare by only having one child.

CustardOmlet · 06/01/2019 16:58

Parents! They paid for my modest wedding and paid our first house deposit. We pay for all our childcare now, but they helped in those early days.

KitschBitch · 06/01/2019 16:59

Been married 16 years, didn't have a huge do. Both DH and got on housing ladder in our 20's, we have one teenager, both work full time and don't find it easy always to pay the bills. It costs a crazy amount of money to live these days, we are careful and worry for the younger people .

MissWilmottsGhost · 06/01/2019 17:01

We didn't do all three at once.

We bought the house first as prices were rising fast at the time and we weren't going to be able to afford it at all if we left it any longer.

Got married 5 years after that at a cost of less than 400 quid.

DD was born 4 years later, though it took 8 years to conceive her so if things had 'gone to plan' it wouldn't have been so well spaced.

We than spent 25K on IVF that failed, so IME not having children can be even more expensive than having them

Life doesn't always follow traditional paths and plans. Decide which is most important to you to achieve first, the rest may or may not come later.

Youngandfree · 06/01/2019 17:02

To be honest we lived and worked abroad and earnt a crapload of money which enabled us to buy a second property outright. Hubby had a previous property rented out. So that pretty much set us up that way. Wedding wise it was payed For mostly by both sets of parents (think we paid 2k(ish)
Had my first DC at 27 and was a sahm until this year so no childcare as such. Now have two DC and have gone back to work.
Most ppl get help from family/parents for house deposits and weddings so don’t beat yourself up. Just take it one step at a time

Minniemountain · 06/01/2019 17:05

We live in a cheap city. Don't have a car. MIL provides childcare for DS but I am aware of childminder prices if she changes her mind. We had a medium priced wedding but would have cut our cloth accordingly.

Original poster

diamondeyes10 · 06/01/2019 17:08

I think I am just having a wobble tonight, I have really noticed house prices zoom up past 2 years and I am not where we thought we would be at all, due to the increase in house prices our initial target has increased and DP has had to take a salary cut due to a restructure at work... in addition to recent Christmas gatherings where family and friends have been asking questions about engagement and children!

OP posts:

Amorea · 06/01/2019 17:08

DH & I saved like maniacs (lots of sacrifices) in our 20s. Bought our house outright when we were 30. Normal jobs, not highly paid.

We essentially got married on our honeymoon as it was abroad so the wedding cost itself was only $200 (it was just us).

Now we've got financial security with no mortgage we're trying for our first baby. :)

AllTakenSoRubbishUsername · 06/01/2019 17:08

For us we happened to start later (I was 34 when I got married and 36 when I had my first baby). And I happened to have a house that I had inherited, husband also had his own. But looking back to when I was in my 20s, there was no way I could have afforded to do all three of those. I was lucky really to have been able to have the first baby though, leaving it till I was 36 - looking back on it that was risky and I would rather have had a baby and been tight for money than not had a family at all.

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