To feel hurt that partner wants to continue smoking through pregnancy

[Biutiful]

We both used to smoke and I stopped as soon as I found out I was pregnant. He continued for a couple of months always having an excuse then stopped around a week ago but now talks about starting back up. He doesn't smoke indoors and took his sweater off after being for a smoke so he tries his best but I used to enjoy smoking myself and start to resent him feeling like I'm in this sober pregnancy alone. I'm quite hormonal and Almost cried when we talked about it feeling let down but am like with everything at the moment wondering if I'm over reacting and being selfish or well within my rights to feel hurt. Any opinions would be welcomed

Hmm it's a tough one. You're the one having to give up, but he could at least try and show willing to support you. No one wants someone stinking of cigarette around a newborn either, it's a known risk factor for SIDS.

Can you be honest and tell him how upset you're feeling, and offer some support? My DH smoked, and I hated it..... he finally gave up when our youngest was about 5, and did it with a lot of help from our practice nurse. I think he used patches.

It's hard because it is an addiction, but you've done really well to stop.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. It's the support aspect, it's about being a team. Not to mention the cost and also being healthier, responsible.
Has he considered vaping as a compromise? He can reduce his nicotine intake slowly with the strengths of the juice over time.

My DH smoked through my pregnancies. It didn’t bother me - why should he have stopped? He wasn’t pregnant? You are alone in this smoke free pregnancy, that’s just the way it is!

You’ll never truly know if he had given up anyway. He could just smoke at work and never tell you.

Sorry OP, seems like a mountain out of a molehill to me. You miss smoking so you want him to miss it as well?

I know how hard it is to quit smoking but he's being a bit of a wanker tbh.

Is he going to stop when your baby comes or is he planning to risk his child's health?

I don't think YABU. Unfortunately you are the pregnant one not him. I don't really understand why it would affect you if he's not smoking indoors?

My DH smoked through my pregnancies. It didn’t bother me - why should he have stopped? He wasn’t pregnant?

I’d like to think that a decent partner would attempt to stop to show to support for the woman carrying their baby.

I’d like to think that a decent partner would attempt to stop to show to support for the woman carrying their baby.

So should they completely give up alcohol too? Cut down on caffeine? Stop eating and drinking every thing a pregnant woman has to give up?

Would he try vaping instead as a compromise?

So should they completely give up alcohol too? Cut down on caffeine? Stop eating and drinking every thing a pregnant woman has to give up?

I said, in response to why should a PP’s DH quit, that he might do it to support her. And I stand by that in terms of smoking as it is also important for parents ongoing health and modelling good behaviours to children.

Eating brie and the occasional drink isn’t considered harmful outside of pregnancy - but I still would like to think a supportive partner would not binge on 10+ helpings of cheese or uncooked meat per day.

I’d like to think that a decent partner would attempt to stop to show to support for the woman carrying their baby

Just because it’s annoying or upsetting that you can’t do certain things once pregnant, it doesn’t mean your partner is unsupportive or uncaring if they don’t join you in your unhappy state. Why should both parties have to be equally affected? It would have been selfish of me to insist upon it.

Yes he tries vaping and he does not want to continue smoking once the baby is there. I offered to help hm through it and support him any way I can...i know how hard it is to stop and how much mental strength one needs, I would sometimes kill to have a smoke when I'm at work stressed but I don't . I find it very interesting to see that people either stand completely behind me or think it's crazy to ask your partner to give up something as well.

It would have been selfish of me to insist upon it.

Will it be selfish of your children if they ask him to quit? Will it be selfish of your partner if your children end up copying his behaviour?

Smoking is a deal breaker for me so I only ever dated non smokers.

Friends who smoke don't seem to have expected their DH to quit, stop drinking etc.

YANBU. My DP smoked until I was around 20 weeks pregnant, he tried to hide it for a while but my pregnant nose could always smell it so he got a vape and hasn’t smoked since.

He stopped when I told him about the SIDS risk. He didn’t want to be a smoking Dad full stop so it was enough motivation. Tell your DP about the SIDS risk too.

Oh ffs. Yes he should stop smoking. Especially when there’s a newborn in the house. Me and the baby would be in a different room and he wouldn’t be bloody holding the baby at all.

Most babies that die of SIDS have at least one smoking parent.

No thanks.

@GloryforGloves

Calm down. Your questions have nothing to do with my stated answer. OP wanted opinions, she has mine. There were plenty of things I couldn’t do while pregnant. I didn’t expect my partner to give them up as welll.

He'll be grumpy if he gives up smoking same time as the baby arrives! Why not just do it now (probably because he is hooked - see gp or chemist for help there). Be good if he can.

He needs to stop now. If your baby dies of SIDS (and smoking is a major major factor) he will never forgive himself and you will never forgive him. And trying to give up smoking when you’re massively sleep deprived is a recipe for disaster.

My husband gave up lots of things that I couldn’t have to show support.

I personally wasn’t bothered and thought he was just martyring himself but hey ho.

It's bad for the baby for him to smoke, and it's bad for your relationship for you to be feeling resentment towards him for smoking. He should just quit. There are only positives in quitting smoking.

FWIW, my husband and I have a vague agreement in place that he's more than welcome to enjoy stuff I don't like so much (G&T, beer, soft cheeses, coffee, etc) but it would be kind and supportive for him not to be chugging fruity ciders, cocktails, rum and coke, wine, Red Bull etc which I love but can't drink, right in front of me. He is happy to compromise because he loves me and doesn't want to upset me. I appreciate his support.

The difference is that unless you're an addict, someone else drinking around you isn't likely to break your resolve not to drink. If op wants one and there's some in the house because her partner is smoking, the temptations there, making it so much harder for her. I too gave up when pregnant, dh didn't although he did cut down massively. I smoked a few after a while. That's not his responsibility of course, it's mine, but I don't think I would have smoked at all if he hasn't. And when you're pregnant, especially if feeling shit, it's hard when your partner's life doesn't seem to have changed at all. Especially when he would then bollock me for my occasional one!

I wouldn't expect this of a partner no. Because well I was the pregnant one and I don't see why he also should have to go through the misery of stopping, staying sober, limiting food choices etc, why should you both be miserable.

I find it a bit controlling to expect a partner also to stop simply because you have to.

You said you're feeling pretty emotionally sensitive right now (completely understandable). Is it wise to combine that with a person who is withdrawing from nicotine? Maybe get through the pregnancy and newborn stage together then tackle the quitting when baby is a bit older and hopefully sleeping well etc?

yanbu. He should be supporting you and thinking of the health of his family right now. Even smoking outside, he's coming back inside and breathing out toxins into the air that you are then breathing in. The chemicals from smoking get into hair, clothes, skin etc. Unless he isn't coming back inside for 2 hours and then washing his entire body, mouth, hair, clothes after every cigarette, he will be causing harm. Second and third hand smoke has been proven to have a huge health impact on those who have to live with it. Your baby will be at risk if he continues to smoke (look at the stats surrounding SIDS and the percentage of infant death rates to families where one parent smokes...) giving up now will be far easier than in a few months when there's the stress and lack of sleep of having a baby. Plus if he is still smoking when the baby comes along, you will be even more stressed and more likely to start again, which leaves baby even more vulnerable with both parents smoking. It's advised that a smoker doesn't handle a baby for an hour after smoking and washing their entire body and changes clothes etc, so I can't imagine he'll be able to be a very hands on dad if you want to follow the guidelines to reduce SIDS and other smoke related health issues for babies. If you both smoke it would be impossible to follow the advice so baby will be exposed to lots of second and third hand smoke even if you both always smoke outside.

Also my friends partner smoked when she was pregnant (she NEVER smoked in her life, and he always went outside) and at a midwife appintment she tested really high on the co2 test, like almost 4%, which was equivalent to her being a daily moderate smoker! That was a all from second hand smoke. She told the midwife that he always went out etc, and she said thst everytime She could smell cigarette smoke on him/clothes, then the gases would be entering her/babies bloodstream. She was so upset, and had to give him an ultimatum for the sake of the baby's health.