To feel hurt that partner wants to continue smoking through pregnancy

[Biutiful]

We both used to smoke and I stopped as soon as I found out I was pregnant. He continued for a couple of months always having an excuse then stopped around a week ago but now talks about starting back up. He doesn't smoke indoors and took his sweater off after being for a smoke so he tries his best but I used to enjoy smoking myself and start to resent him feeling like I'm in this sober pregnancy alone. I'm quite hormonal and Almost cried when we talked about it feeling let down but am like with everything at the moment wondering if I'm over reacting and being selfish or well within my rights to feel hurt. Any opinions would be welcomed

Will it be selfish of your children if they ask him to quit?

Don't be ridiculous. Yes of course it'd be selfish of the DC to expect him to quit just because they don't like it.

That's not his responsibility of course, it's mine, but I don't think I would have smoked at all if he hasn't

Your two statements are rather contradictory. You're absolving yourself of responsibility by saying you wouldn't have if he didn't and therefore by extension it's his fault you smoked Take responsibility for yourself. You are the female and so you chose to carry a baby knowing it's not wise to smoke whilst carrying one and so you need to take responsibility and give up regardless of how difficult it is. And yes I do know how difficult it is, I used to smoke too.

Well done for giving up!! I thought this was a thread from a man who's pregnant DP wouldn't give up which was a depressing thought. Hope he can find the strength to give up, my parents were heavy smokers in spite of my DB nearly dying of asthma on many occasions which now I have children of my own actually beggars belief. They both died young of smoking related illnesses and never met some of their grandchildren. I hope I have made my own children so afraid of smoking that they will never try it.

Don't be ridiculous. Yes of course it'd be selfish of the DC to expect him to quit just because they don't like it.

Really? So the children (who didn’t ask to be born) wanting their father to not do something that is limiting their life is selfish?

Interestingly you didn’t answer whether it would be selfish of DH if the children end up copying his smoking.

YANBU there is a higher SIDS risk with anyone smoking in the house. You have done really brilliantly to give up - well done. He should support you in this as it will be hard for you after pregnancy to maintain the not smoking.

I'm not someone who thinks the partner should suffer etc but smoking is the exception - it can cause harm to you and the baby.

I'm not sure how anyone can justify hom not giving up?! I'm not saying it will be easy!

You are the female and so you chose to carry a baby knowing it's not wise to smoke whilst carrying one and so you need to take responsibility and give up regardless of how difficult it is.

And why is it unreasonable to ask for the support of the partner who helped make the baby? The same baby who wants to quit when baby is here anyway. Why can’t he support her by helping reduce temptation?

If he is struggling to stop now, how the hell does he think he is going to succeed when he is also a sleep deprived new father?

Only because you asked he should absolutely give up. I wouldn't say the same about alcohol pate etc but sm9king is harmful to a new born whatever precautions you take so yanbu and he's being very selfish

"Maybe get through the pregnancy and newborn stage together then tackle the quitting when baby is a bit older and hopefully sleeping well etc?" By which point babies health could well be already affected by dads smoking!

No - he's better doing it now before he's also dealing with sleep deprivation and needing to support a post Partum mum and newborn (without putting them further at risk).

I'm another who wouldn't even date a smoker, it's an utterly disgusting habit and I don't understand anyone under 50 even having started smoking! Given by the time they were old enough to it was well knowing how unhealthy it is.

We're now STARTING to understand that even tertiary smoking is harmful. I would not be at all surprised to learn this is a major factor in SIDS too.

Op ask him 'do you really want your baby's health affected right from the start? For them to have anything but the best opportunity for a healthy home?'

I hope he doesn't smoke in the house any more at least.

For me the difference between this and him drinking, eating things pregnant women are advised not to etc is that we KNOW it has a direct effect on others around a smoker.

It DOESN'T just affect the smoker.

Honestly the sooner this vile habit becomes a thing of the past the better.

"at a midwife appintment she tested really high on the co2 test, like almost 4%, which was equivalent to her being a daily moderate smoker!" This might be an idea - a midwife appointment when he can attend to and this test be done - it's unlikely your result would equate to that of a mother in a non smoking household and midwife could maybe have a word too!

"Don't be ridiculous. Yes of course it'd be selfish of the DC to expect him to quit just because they don't like it." Wow! How about because they don't want to develop asthma or emphysema? Or cancer? Would that be ok?!

@Graphista my understanding is that dad doesn't smoke inside so the health risk claims are debatable. Also, my suggestion was to wait until baby is older and sleeping better so the sleep-deprived newborn bit doesn't apply either.

Sure, I'd love to wave a magic wand and have everyone be happily smoke-free or jump in a time machine and refuse to date anyone who smokes but that's not the situation OP is in. Looking for practical solutions is perhaps more helpful than simply talking about how disgusting smoking is.

There are a multitude of practical, easily accessible and free solutions now - he's CHOOSING not to even consider these options.

Given what we already know about primary & secondary smoking effects I don't think it's a huge stretch especially with the evidence that's starting to come through that tertiary smoking could well also be quite harmful to op while pregnant and the baby once born.

To me that makes his continuing to smoke completely unacceptable.

Sorry meant to include - he doesn't have to be smoking inside for tertiary smoke to be an issue. The toxins will be in his hair, clothes, skin, breath...

Op I smoked for about 45 years. I had a stroke so I had to stop, I use a vape and I’m finding it relatively easy. I used to smoke 30/40 a day. I don’t say I’ve given up, I’ve stopped. Giving up implies that you’re depriving yourself of something good and I think we all know smoking isn’t good for us. Well done to you and I hope your DH manages to stop

My DH smoked through my pregnancies. It didn’t bother me - why should he have stopped? He wasn’t pregnant

Because smoking is a disgusting, expensive and stupid thing to do, ok if you don’t care about yourself - but you should want to stay as fit and healthy as possible for your child.

Simply your partner smoking does put your baby in danger so yanbu.

He'd have to give up at some point surely as the risk to newborns from a smoking parent (not just those who smoke in the same room) is not one i think you'd want to take. It would be easier to give up now before sleep deprivation kicks in. Yes I'd find it unsupportive for him to carry on smoking now too.

YANBU. It is incredibly selfish of him not to stop smoking not only because it is unsupportive of you but also because if he doesn't stop it could effect the health of your children in the future.
Posters who say that it is similar to you expecting him to stop drinking or eating cheese are pretty clueless. Smoking is an addiction and giving it up takes a lot more will power than not eating cheese or (unless you are an alcoholic) alcohol. His continuing makes it harder for you to give up and considering it is for the health of HIS child, not just yours he is a total knob in my opinion.

It's not a good start to him showing how supportive he is going to be to you as a parent.

Any smoker knows how hard it is to give up and he would have different reasons for giving up as he isn't pregnant. But, perhaps if you firmly place SIDS research in front of his nose, explain your point of view with regard to how hard, unsupportive and unpleasant you find him smoking and also talk about obtaining a lot of help from the GP surgery, maybe he will change his mind.

Needs a big talk though. Best of luck.

And I agree, giving up when the baby is born is a recipe for disaster regarding foul moods!

See I just don't get why smoking is such a "disgusting habit" yet we are totally fine with people drinking every night / every weekend which also does a lot of damage.

And why is it unreasonable to ask for the support of the partner who helped make the baby?

It's not unreasonable to ask for support. There are many, many ways people can support their pregnant father. I just don't think asking your DP to give up smoking is reasonable or even the only way. Would you ask a DP to give up alcohol if their partner was an alcoholic before conceiving?

Pregnant partner even. Pregnant father would be an interesting one.

PoesyCherish - comparing with an alcoholic is irrelevant. The OP isn’t an alcoholic - she was a smoker. But yes, if OP has been an alcoholic and was pregnant then yes, I think the partner should quit alcohol around her to support.

And I hate it when people justify their disgusting smoking habit by saying some people drink in evenings/ weekends. It’s irrelevant and not like for like as you are trying to compare social drinkers to chronic smokers.

Smoking is proven to limit life and cause a variety of illnesses. Smoking increases the risk of SIDS. Smoking smells awful. Children who come from smoking families are more likely to smoke when they are older. And unconscious our bias gives most people negative opinions of smokers.

Smoking is selfish as it affects everyone around them.

as you are trying to compare social drinkers to chronic smokers.

Drinking every single night or drinking to excess isn't just drinking socially. It does impact those around you when you get liver cirrhosis. Drinking does cause damage. I hate the double standards of people saying smoking is disgusting but alcohol is fine.

PoesyCherish - that’s binge drinking, so yes that is dangerous. And that is line with smoking - but most people who drink alcohol are not binge drinkers/ alcoholics. Most people who smoker are chronic smokers. It’s a crap comparison to make.

It’s also still completely irrelevant to the discussion as OP was not a binge drinker, she was a smoker.

@Graphista I think most of the research on tertiary smoke residues relate to smoking indoors over time, rather than temporarily lingering on a person who will presumably wash each day.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not defending smoking. I'm just musing on how dangerous third-hand smoke on an outside smoker really is when stacked up against living near a busy road, for example. Or against the immediate personal stress of pressuring a smoker to quit when he's not really ready.

It’s also still completely irrelevant to the discussion as OP was not a binge drinker, she was a smoker.

It is relevant though because the point is you wouldn't expect your partner to give up anything else you have to give up so it's not fair to expect him to give up smoking too.

but most people who drink alcohol are not binge drinkers/ alcoholics.

Really? So you're telling me the vast majority of people who go out at the weekend only drink one or two pints? Because anything more puts you over the daily recommended maximum.

I had this same problem and to be honest, I just made it clear that a baby is not safe around people who smoke and if he could continue to do so with that knowledge, we needed to have a serious conversation about our relationship. Your baby's health should be reason enough to quit and any argument about it being "too hard", I think is laughable. Half the parents-to-be tend to manage it right away... the women. It's not miraculously easier for them because they're the ones growing the baby.

Your baby deserves smoke-free parents. Pregnancy is his time to give up. A "real" partner would have done so straight away, because I'm quite sure - and correct me if I'm wrong - that's what he expected of you.