DP verbally abusing DS

[Floopyandtired]

DP and I have been together for 5 years and have a 14 month old DS together. DS has always been a poor sleeper, waking frequently in the night. We manage this by sharing the night and doing shifts. A couple of weeks ago I woke while DP was in DS’d room and heard him verbally abusing him, things like “go back to sleep you little shit” “shut the fuck up and lie down” etc. I confronted DP and told him it was unacceptable and if it happened again I would leave him. He was very remorseful, said he’d let himself down and it was just because he’s sleep deprived, etc. And promised it wouldn’t happen again.

For background, we’ve been having some issues for 4-5 months now. He’s become grumpy, withdrawn, gone off sex, basically we’re like friends who live together and have a child.

Last night I heard him doing it again. I couldn’t hear his exact words but could tell by the tone of his voice what was going on. I went straight to DS’s room and took over, and DP has so far sulked all morning so we haven’t talked about it yet as I’d rather wait until DS is in bed tonight before it all kicks off.

What the hell do I do? He is otherwise a really lovely hands on dad, DS adores him. He’s not bad around the house either, grumpiness aside I don’t mind living with him.

AIBU to leave him over this?

I would leave.

Well you told him it was the last time and that you'd leave, so....

You set the ultimatum last time so yes, you have to leave and its right thing to do unless you want your child spoken to like that on a regular basis for the rest of his life.

I would have left the first time.

You leave.

I can't believe you need to ask.

I can't believe you need to ask, either. Get that man away from your son.

You told him it was the last time. If you allow it it will escalate.
A non sleeping child would drive me round the bend but your husband is an adult and I would be really concerned about what would happen if your child was left alone with him.
He's sulked all morning? So he can't discuss anything rationally.
You have a big decision to make here.

I would have left the first time too. Awful. So sorry op that's rough

It is yr choice to leave or not, and if dp is on birth cert will he have unsupervised access to child and how do u feel about that? Unless u report to police/ social services (and even if you do), no one would stop this access.

Have you considered what support dp needs to parent better?

I am not condoning his language or behaviour or suggesting you accept it, but apart from telling him it is not ok has there been any discussion about how to do it different? Again I’m not saying you are responsible for any of this, just asking the question.

Kids change relationships more than we realise, have you considered counselling?

I would stop him doing nights if he is not able to do it safely/appropriately, in agreement with you.

Dp needs to recognise he needs to make changes, does he want to? Is he seeing Gp for other issues.
If not I would leave and get legal advice to stop unsupervised access initially.
Maybe time apart will help? Not ideal to make life decisions when exhausted!
Up to you Op.
Absolutely keep child safe is vital

the first ultimatum may have been a little more effective it you'd said he'd be the one leaving if it happened again.

Do you own/rent jointly?

Ridiculous thing to split up over.Sleep deprivation is a form of torture and everyone has their breaking point.
I assume his name is on the birth certificate and so he will have access maybe even 50% of the time.Which situation do you think is more damaging to your son?

Lose millions of parents with young children are sleep deprived and manage not to verbally abuse them. People need to stop making excuses for disgusting behaviour.

He's clearly not a lovely dad ffs he's a horrible dad.

Kids not sleeping is annoying. Being sleep deprived is hell. He’s being pushed to his limit and is displaying it in a very poor way. If you want to stay with him then he needs to be honest about how he feels about your relationship and his child (as currently he isn’t coping well and he shouldn’t be left alone with your son)

Sounds like he needs help, lack of sleep and lack of you? I was in similar situation apart from I was the only one who did the round the clock care. I had to sleep in DD's room in the end so I can function in the day, she slept well with me. However, this has almost cost our marriage, took a lot of effort to make DD sleep on her own but it has saved our marriage although I am still not over how unsupportive he was.

Have you looked into advices on getting your DD to sleep at night? May be this is a starting point to save your relationship as well as his relationship with DS.

You said your DP is a good man and father, sounds like the lack of sleep has turned him into a monster.

Good luck.

Leave. Leave. Leave.

Sleep deprivation is hell and some people endure it less well than others.

You need to get help - rope in any relatives, parenting classes, night nanny, sleep training - any of these possible?

His behaviour has obviously been awful but he’s far from the first parent to make such utterances at a non sleeping child.

Sit down with him, impress upon him it is not ok, remind him your child will now be able to understand - and parrot - what he is saying, see what he thinks he needs to do to get help.

Or leave, if you really feel he’s gone too far, but if this is the height of his transgressions, in the circs I would be inclined to work on things before throwing in the towel.

I’ll get flamed for this I’m sure but I ended a relationship because exDP spoke very aggressively to my Ddog. He was only a little pup and was doing no harm.

When my ds was 10 weeks old I screamed and shouted at him. I said all those things your dp said to my 10 week old. I then went down stairs and did the same to my 13yr old.
Turns out I had postnatal depression which I am on tablets for. Not that it's an excuse but it's a reason. My brain and thoughts were not my own.
Men can get postnatal depression to.

Lose millions of parents with young children are sleep deprived and manage not to verbally abuse them.

how do you know ?

Thank you so much everyone. I appreciate all the advice.

We have talked now and he is very upset with himself. There were many tears and apologies.

I do believe he is sleep deprived and struggling to cope, I have offered to help more as I think I cope better with lack of sleep but he can be a bit of a martyr and doesn’t want to be an absent father (which he is far from anyway) so insists on doing nights even when he is exhausted. It’s very noble of him but he then throws it back in my face during situations like this even though I’ve told him countless times it’s not weak to ask for help.

It is his only transgression as a father, our relationship isn’t perfect for other reasons but the way he speaks to DS is out of character. We are in the process of setting up our first relationship counselling session. I so want it to work out between us but if I don’t follow through and leave I worry he won’t take me seriously. It’s so tough.

No flaming, Yoga. An animal is a vulnerable creature so you did the right thing

The responses here are absolutely insane. It’s far from ideal but sleep deprivation is an absolute abomination. A bit of swearing when the child is too young to understand is far from the end of the world.

I’m sure many mums and dads have sworn and shouted with frustration in these circumstances.

I would leave, even if only temporarily.

I would also encourage your DP to get help. He could have PND as mentioned above. This behaviour is certianly concerning and needs sorting out.

Going into another room to have a little swear under your breath, fine. Swearing directly and aggressively at a child of 14 months, not ok. I would probably leave OP, this could get worse. Perhaps he needs some help.