Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP verbally abusing DS

63 replies

Floopyandtired · 06/01/2019 13:51

DP and I have been together for 5 years and have a 14 month old DS together. DS has always been a poor sleeper, waking frequently in the night. We manage this by sharing the night and doing shifts. A couple of weeks ago I woke while DP was in DS’d room and heard him verbally abusing him, things like “go back to sleep you little shit” “shut the fuck up and lie down” etc. I confronted DP and told him it was unacceptable and if it happened again I would leave him. He was very remorseful, said he’d let himself down and it was just because he’s sleep deprived, etc. And promised it wouldn’t happen again.

For background, we’ve been having some issues for 4-5 months now. He’s become grumpy, withdrawn, gone off sex, basically we’re like friends who live together and have a child.

Last night I heard him doing it again. I couldn’t hear his exact words but could tell by the tone of his voice what was going on. I went straight to DS’s room and took over, and DP has so far sulked all morning so we haven’t talked about it yet as I’d rather wait until DS is in bed tonight before it all kicks off.

What the hell do I do? He is otherwise a really lovely hands on dad, DS adores him. He’s not bad around the house either, grumpiness aside I don’t mind living with him.

AIBU to leave him over this?

OP posts:
Oysterbabe · 06/01/2019 16:15

I've hissed a few choice words and threats under my breath to my babies before but actually shouting at them is too far. I've taken over from DH when I've heard him start to huff and stomp while walking around rocking DD when she was a baby. He's less patient than me and copes less well with exhaustion. He's also basically thrown her into my arms and taken himself off to cool down when he was getting really stressed.
You need to talk to him about how he deals with it when he reaches that point, I. E. He puts the baby down and gets you. It's so, so hard having a baby that doesn't sleep but that doesn't make this OK.

ID81241 · 06/01/2019 16:18

Sleep deprivation really is the worst- that's why it's a form of torture. Im sure i said what your DP said and worse to my newborn during a 4 day period where I had no more than a few hours sleep in total. In fact I think I remember telling my baby to die...but I don't like to think about it. I've never done anything remotely similar since... I just cracked mentally and wasn't myself and really needed my husband's support which at the time I wasn't getting (I was sleeping in the spare room so he could get a full night's sleep...including on weekends, with a colicy baby). Your DP's crying out for help in the worst possible way.

I don't think it's a clear cut LTB. He clearly needs support and cannot be a martyr because he obviously can't cope with the sleep deprivation and in turn is speaking in unthinkable ways to your child. I think you need a strategy together whereby he gets X amount of sleep per night. I also think the counselling you mentioned is a great idea in case the issue goes further than pure sleep deprivation.

katekat383 · 06/01/2019 16:22

Unacceptable. Horrible behaviour. Put your child first.

bastardkitty · 06/01/2019 16:25

What will you do the next time he does it?

Lose2StoneObviously · 06/01/2019 16:25

why is everyone missing the point that 'ltb' doesn't mean the dad wont have the child

BrokenWing · 06/01/2019 16:29

It is his only transgression as a father

Verbally abusing his upset defenseless toddler when his mother isn't around isn't an "only transgression" it is nasty and in his nature. Your ds can't even tell you dad is being cruel. It would completely change my opinion of dh if I heard this and I wouldn't be able to trust leaving him alone with our child ever again if he is capable of this to a tiny child.

You've seen him do it TWICE. I can guarantee you he has done it more often, he's not upset at what he had done he or he would have spoken about the other incidents you don't know about and let you know he needs help. He is upset you have caught him AGAIN. How many more times will you let him of with it?

Nanny0gg · 06/01/2019 16:32

why is everyone missing the point that 'ltb' doesn't mean the dad wont have the child

^^This

Let him get help first.

Allthewaves · 06/01/2019 16:32

So you need to discuss how you are going to solve this. Would night about rather than shifts work better? Would paying for sleep trainer help? Would co-sleeping help with other person sleeping in another room? Would dh be better doing Friday, Saturday, Sunday night's then he could sleep during the day?

I don't cope well at all with sleep deprivation so me and dh had to work out a plan.

speakout · 06/01/2019 16:33

I would separate until he gets himself sorted out.

Ask him to leave.

NO ONE speaks to my child like that.

speakout · 06/01/2019 16:34

why is everyone missing the point that 'ltb' doesn't mean the dad wont have the child

Yes it does,

The OP could speak to social services about the abuse.

StreetwiseHercules · 06/01/2019 16:35

“Only transgression as a father”.

I wonder what the OP’s “transgressions” are. Are we to believe none?

MatildaTheCat · 06/01/2019 16:36

grumpy, withdrawn, gone off sex this alongside uncharacteristic spikes of anger would make me wonder if he is depressed?

His behaviour isn’t acceptable so it’s good that he agrees and hopefully you can work towards getting your real DP back. In the meantime you may need to dig deep for some extra night wakings. He cannot be allowed to abuse your ds one more time.

I would be far more worried if he didn’t accept there was a problem.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 06/01/2019 16:44

Very controversial but when we were in a similar situation with a 14 month old (sleep deprived and cracking up but no one was swearing at the baby) we sleep trained. Not a thing I ever planned to do but I was newly pregnant and crying with exhaustion.

We did the old fashioned leave to cry, go back in five minutes thing. I think it took about three nights and transformed our lives. DS too was a much happier more contented baby.

He's 25 now, the only one of my four who we sleep trained and probably the most chilled out and mentally robust. Absolutely no sign of being psychologically scarred.

category12 · 06/01/2019 16:44

Given that for several months his behaviour has changed, I would insist (while he's sorry) that he gets help - he goes to the GP, he gets parenting classes or counselling or both - he shows you in absolutely concrete ways that he is serious about dealing with this if it's potentially his MH at issue. So, for example, if he is given medication, he takes it religiously and he follows through on every appointment.

If he pays lip service but then does nothing, then you really need to reassess just how sorry he is.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 06/01/2019 16:46

Is there anywhere you can go for a night?

If you have given an ultimatum, it might be prudent to follow through in some measure, Can you say that you will be going until tomorrow and he needs to come up with some way of addressing the issue longer term? (Parenting class, that kind of thing?)

Bluetrews25 · 06/01/2019 16:49

I'm old school and have the very unpopular view that I would sleep train the DC pronto if at all possible, as lack of sleep can lead to the whole family suffering. Do this first and foremost, then review your relationship after this. Sleep deprivation can make you behave out of character.
Agree that what he did was far from nice, but FGS not sleeping for 14 months? Sheesh, I'd be walking away from child in the cot and going to cry in the bedroom by myself. (Which, ironically, could give child time to learn to self settle)

Bumblebee777 · 06/01/2019 16:50

Recently learnt myself here that people are very eager to tell you to split from a relationship but the truth is only you know your circumstances and what kind of a man your oh is. I wouldn't be happy about the way he spoke to the baby and would have serious concerns over it but would I be issuing divorce papers?
I think he is probably struggling to adjust and obviously finding the sleep deprivation hard. Everyone has their breaking point and a small baby is not likely to understand the language. What I would say is that he needs to get control over his emotions so that it doesn't happen again particularly as baby gets older and begins to understand.
Probably needs help and for you to work together. As others have said, he is the child's father and unless you're willing to involve social services/police over this then he will have access to your child anyway. So what would leaving achieve?

Ourmaud · 06/01/2019 17:03

I’m going to get flamed here but both myself and dh have done similar with our non sleeping baby. She has not been affected one jot by her parents having meltdowns due to lack of sleep and support although we felt hugely guilty as parents for letting her down. (Need to stress that our meltdown was on separate occasions)
Turns out that sleep deprivation has a huge impact on your mental health and although it wasn’t PND it is still a debilitating, isolating and absolutely shit place to be at mentally. GP’s are getting so much better at addressing this so maybe a trip to the doctor with your dh might help.

Dragongirl10 · 06/01/2019 17:25

Firstly op there is no need to keep enduring this hell, get a night nanny to sleep train your baby or do it yourself.

Secondly if you really cannot face leaving then, insist on a GP appointment to rule out depression etc, then anger management classes and counselling.

I have been punch drunk with tiredness but never felt the need to swear aggressively at mine when they were toddlers

Fairylea · 06/01/2019 17:31

I think actually lots and lots of people have done this. Dh and I have when ds was quite little and wouldn’t sleep - I feel awful about it now but lack of sleep is absolute torture. We were both quite forgiving to each other and felt awful about it afterwards and anyone that knows up would be really shocked by me admitting that we ever did that! We love both our dc to the moon and back and as they’ve got older we’ve never ended up in that dark place again!

I think if he’s clearly very upset over it and struggling generally I think the only thing you can do is take over night time duties or muddle through together until things improve. If he’s a good dad otherwise and your relationship is worth saving I wouldn’t leave over this - and trust me I’m one of the first to shout ltb having left an abusive ex when my first child was 6 months old!

mcmooberry · 06/01/2019 18:17

Well I've done it and would never have believed myself capable of swearing at a baby but sleep deprivation when you know you are not going to be able to cope the next day is utter hell. In your case as your baby is 14 months old it has been going on a long time. Sleep training is the answer here, have done it with all 3 but only once fully weaned and not needing to be fed overnight. Apologies if you have already tried this.

Original poster
Floopyandtired · 06/01/2019 18:58

The mix of responses here really make me realise this isn’t a black and white situation. DP and I have spoken further about this and it’s come to light that since DS was born he has felt very lonely and isolated. He gave up all his hobbies and practically his entire social life when DS was born (of his own accord) so he could totally focus on being a dad, whereas I still make time to see my friends and have some “me” time when possible. To be honest I think he is a bit depressed. He thinks so too and is going to see the GP, and make more time for himself. I hadn’t really considered this until some PP’s mentioned it here having never experienced MH problems myself thankfully. Thank you so much.

As for sleep training, it’s something we’ve always been against - no judgement at all but it’s not for me.

I appreciate all the tough love and hand holding. I hope this is a turning point.

OP posts:
wictional · 06/01/2019 19:05

Have you read Daddy Blues by Mark Williams OP? It might shine a light on this - it really helped my friend who was going through PND as a father

TheSheepofWallSt · 06/01/2019 19:09

I was just about to post to say that fathers can have PND too, when i saw your update. Good that he’s getting help singly and you’re seeking therapy as a couple. I wish you the very best of luck.

Hoopaloop · 06/01/2019 19:11

There was a good aibu on here a few months ago where the mum asked if she was BU for having had screamed at her screaming toddler. Apparently that was cool.

Swipe left for the next trending thread