DP verbally abusing DS

[Floopyandtired]

DP and I have been together for 5 years and have a 14 month old DS together. DS has always been a poor sleeper, waking frequently in the night. We manage this by sharing the night and doing shifts. A couple of weeks ago I woke while DP was in DS’d room and heard him verbally abusing him, things like “go back to sleep you little shit” “shut the fuck up and lie down” etc. I confronted DP and told him it was unacceptable and if it happened again I would leave him. He was very remorseful, said he’d let himself down and it was just because he’s sleep deprived, etc. And promised it wouldn’t happen again.

For background, we’ve been having some issues for 4-5 months now. He’s become grumpy, withdrawn, gone off sex, basically we’re like friends who live together and have a child.

Last night I heard him doing it again. I couldn’t hear his exact words but could tell by the tone of his voice what was going on. I went straight to DS’s room and took over, and DP has so far sulked all morning so we haven’t talked about it yet as I’d rather wait until DS is in bed tonight before it all kicks off.

What the hell do I do? He is otherwise a really lovely hands on dad, DS adores him. He’s not bad around the house either, grumpiness aside I don’t mind living with him.

AIBU to leave him over this?

It sounds like the communication channels are open and that is very positive. You’ll have to make a pact to continue confiding in one another, you’re a team and when one teammate is suffering the other will have to step up, just as if one person broke their ankle or something.

It’s very important that you know he can be completely trusted with DS, what’s the point in him getting up if you have to get up to eavesdrop on what’s being said. Yes, he should go to the doctor, and yes, he should plan some “him time” stuff to hopefully offset the tricky time you’re both going through with DS’s sleeping, but he needs to be very focused on managing his frustration, and if he can’t he needs to tell you and get more help to ensure it never escalates to the point of harming DS.

It’s a rough time now but DS will change as he grows, he won’t be this age forever (sob!), and DP must work hard on himself (so to speak) to be a partner and dad during the rough and the smooth.

Best of luck.

Astonishing that there were people here actually advocating the break up of a family over something like this. Hard to fathom what goes through these peoples’ minds.

Op both me and dh have done similar when dd has had night after night of not sleeping. Has never been a good sleeper and we are 16 months in and have tried sleep training. Teeth and illness set us back each time.

Sleep depreciation is horrible and brings out the worst in people.

Giving up your life to be a parent is not the way to go. Both me and dh ensure we still do our own thing and as a family to keep our sanity. One day we will have brought up our babies they will go off and leave us to it. We need to make sure we still have those things to fill our time.

OP I don't think you've looked into or are aware what sleep training is. It will potentially save your relationship, your child will sleep better and nap better and be happier during the day and you'll all get sleep and feel sane. You need to look into it there are various ways. To be clear - sleep training is NOT cry it out.

Sleep deprivation is awful, he's not alone in saying things like that or swearing. Many people who have done it won't admit it for worry of being judged a terrible parent. It was one of the key things mentioned during counselling i had.

One of the counsellors admitted that one point she told her baby to fuck off and stop being an arsehole. After a year of barely any sleep, I'm not surprised she snapped.

It's not nice, but seriously, I have shouted at my babies to STFU etc etc. We have ALL lost our rag. Surely you can't break up a family over this??

I remember helping out at playgroup back in the day. A sweet little 2.5 year old was in the home corner rocking a baby doll singing "go to fucking sleep" in the cutest little singing voice ever.
She had a 12 week old brother 😂

I remember helping out at playgroup back in the day. A sweet little 2.5 year old was in the home corner rocking a baby doll singing "go to fucking sleep" in the cutest little singing voice ever.
She had a 12 week old brother

They always catch it.
My elder DD got up off the sofa with a sigh one day and scooped up her baby doll before pacing and down the living room shush patting it.
I was mortified as my then MIL was in and it was clear I had done that with her 8 week old sister.

It got infinitely worse when she put the doll back in its bed and said “just go to fucking sleep and give me 5 minutes peace to have a pee for gods sake” I nearly died as I had no idea she’d heard that the one time I did it.

You said you'd leave, so you need to do that.
If it his his mental health then you don't need to feel guilty. He needs to take responsibility for his actions and his health.
Clearly he isn't right, whether that be a temporary reaction to the stress of parenthood or more generalised anger management. He needs to deal with that.

(Leaving can of course be a temporary situation so he could get his shit together). I can't believe some people advocate staying around someone exhibiting fairly wild mood swings with a young child. But then some people do somehow think family is the be all and end all despite it being why most people suffer

You said you’d leave him, you didn’t when he did it again which means you’ve shown he can do what he wants. Your relationship, your choice but your son will suffer if he continues to be abusive.

@subtlecheese I often tell my teenager that if I trip over her shoes once more I’ll make her eat them-would you suggest I carry that threat out too because I’ve said it?
There’s a huge difference between verbal abuse and a worn down and stressed parent losing it briefly. I think op has shown a great deal of common sense.

If this was a woman the replies would be very different, always the way.

I remember reading on here a woman who told her baby she was going to throw him out the window yet apparently that was normal!