AIBU to wonder if surrogacy is a bit cruel?

[NRGR]

Firstly I'd like to say I think someone being able to give a couple the opportunity to be parents is a lovely thing! I don't mean this in a nasty way.

When a baby's born they say they instantly know who mum is, by the sound of her voice, her smell, heartbeat etc. So taking that into account, is it a bit mean to take that baby after it's born and pass it straight to someone else? One of the first things they say to you when you have a baby is have plenty of skin to skin because you are all the baby really knows.

Surely regardless of whether the surrogate used her own eggs or not, as far as the baby's conserned she is mum and she will be the one the baby wants.

"Cruel" is the wrong word I think but it just made me wonder.

Does anyone know what the emotional impact on those who are surrogate children and those adopted at birth who know about it and who their birth parents are at a really young age compared to those who find out in their teens or later.

I think surrogacy between women who already know each other is a different thing to the sort of commercial surrogacy that I hear more and more about. Pregnancy is a huge risk for every woman that undertakes it, and I am so tired about hearing people (usually men) talk about "their baby" and "the surrogate" as if the baby is a productb they've bought (it is) and the surrogate is just an inanimate birthing device without any life of her own. It's commodifying women's bodies, and (as usual) it's the poorest women who get to suffer the worst consequences.

(But I don't think genetic connections are in the slightest bit relevant to good parent/child relationships. I've got v close relationships with family members with whom I don't share genes, and some pretty terrible relationships with those I did.)

justthere
the attitude of the adoptive parents was awful, very dismissive of the emotions the carrying mother might be feeling.
They have to be like that. Anyone who was compassionate to the mothers carrying the baby and giving birth would never actually do this.

I don't think genetic connections are in the slightest bit relevant to good parent/child relationships

I wonder how many birth parents on here think that their children would have been better off being brought up by strangers.

And again - this should be about the child not about the people who are purchasing the product or the woman renting her womb.

I have a friend who is a surrogate and the surrogate parents are with her during the birth and the mum has skin to skin immediately the baby is born. Both parents have spend a lot of time with my friend during the pregnancy and she has recordings of their voices that she plays to the baby (she is on second pregnancy for this couple). She expresses collustrum and milk for the first few weeks as well. I don’t think the baby is traumatised and certainly less traumatised than a baby that is taken off to NICU or put in an incubator.

The babies are genetically the couple’s and my friend just sees herself in a “babysitting” role! I know it’s a lot more complicated than that but she doesn’t see herself as the mother at all. Yes some primitive instinct will tell baby that my friend is its mother but I doubt the trauma is that substantial as it is nurtured and loved by its genetic parents - who’s to say there is not some instinct that means the baby recognises them on some level?

Ouch yabbers (not sure how to tag)
Yes I felt loved by someone who gave me away I can't explain it but I did
She didn't have a choice though I was born in a magdalene laundry
She was tortured by what she did till she died
I tried to be a good daughter to both my mothers

Both my IP dads were with me at birth plus paramedics & midwives and one cut the cord, the other did skin to skin. When i went to visit her two weeks later she was settled & chilled...clearly not missing me that much 😂

I think it can go either way. For some families it works well and others it doesn't. But you could say that about a family where the children are raised by the woman who gave birth to them. 2 of my babies were separated from me as soon as they were born. One was too poorly and premature to care, he mostly slept until after he came home and he didn't seem to care if I was there or not. The other one was born at term and he used to scream whenever I wasn't with him. It was awful as I felt so guilty when I left him but I was in so much pain myself and it was a long way from nicu to the postnatal ward. He is now 4 and still has separation issues.

She didn't have a choice though I was born in a magdalene laundry

That's heartbreaking Caxx, I'm so glad you found each other again.

Caxx that is awful. I've seen a few things about those places. I'm glad you made some peace with your mum

I don’t agree with surrogacy. So much maternal care is geared up around keeping mothers and babies together as much as possible, and yet when it comes to surrogacy it suddenly doesn’t matter? No one has a right to a child, no matter how heartbreaking that might be to hear.

We seem very keen to reduce the mother - child bond as a far as possible, to treat it as unimportant and disposable. It’s the most important relationship there is in your life. It can’t be replaced, and just because it’s not always perfect doesn’t mean that we should accept alternatives.

It also strikes me as deeply misogynistic, to say that the maternal bond is not important.

I think these surrogate homes will be judged in the same way as Magdalene Laundries

Surrogate homes? What do you mean...

I think surrogacy is often on a par with buying a kidney.
Kidney donated by a sibling , probably fine depending on the emotional pressure given. Kidney bought from a woman in a poor country so that she can support her family, very much not fine and should be illegal.

Surrogate homes, these places where the women in poorer countries go to stay to have babies for other people while being separated from their own families.

Exactly what about NICU ?
If that argument is valid they must all have issues too surely ?

It’s a fascinating subject and where to draw the line is a hard one. I’m sure any of us would sympathise with a couple desperate for their own child who use a close family friend to produce a much longed for child.
And then you have Kim Kardashian on the other side (the kind of surrogacy I would not allow) paying for another child when she already has three healthy children and on record as saying she’d “recommend surrogacy to anyone” (perhaps a flippant comment but very telling) and how much easier it was not to be pregnant and not to have to bother with breastfeeding ... yes, how much easier to have a child without any of the physical parts and then have a set of nannies primarily raise the child.

I vaguely know a man (an aquatance) who had a child on his own via a surrogate. He continues to work all hours and is back for bed time 2-3 nights a week and usually gone in the morning before the child wakes up. So that child was carried by a woman who was just a vessel and now is primarily raised by a nanny, but again she gets little credit as with the surrogate because the child has one parent - the father who has made so few sacrifices for the child other than money. You can pay to have a child now and pay to have them brought up, and apparently it’s the paying rather than any of the doing that makes you a parent.

That article on the surrogate factories in Ukraine was really sobering btw.

And then you have Kim Kardashian on the other side (the kind of surrogacy I would not allow) paying for another child when she already has three healthy children and on record as saying she’d “recommend surrogacy to anyone” (perhaps a flippant comment but very telling) and how much easier it was not to be pregnant and not to have to bother with breastfeeding ... yes, how much easier to have a child without any of the physical parts and then have a set of nannies primarily raise the child.

^This. She's also on record discussing how her surrogate is contractually required to eat a particular organic diet and to do certain things. The whole thing smacks of dehumanising the woman involved and reducing her to nothing more than a breathing host who has to dance to the tune of the buyers.

I can see a case for altruistic surrogacy - such as what PeachMelba is doing. But commercial surrogacy is simply allowing rich people to buy a baby.

Wow I don't follow the Kardashian clan thank fuck. That is disgusting.
Money can buy anything. Spolit princess attitude and adored by so many teens.

See I disagree with social surrogacy such as that. I don't like the 'i can but i won't' attitude involved.

I will admit I have never heard of surrogacy homes, all of the surrogacy i know - including abroad - the surrogate remains at home

That’s a failing of your adopted mum, not of biology. Strange you felt calm and loved by a woman who gave you away.

I agreed with the first sentence but the second made me very sad. What a cutting thing to say with no knowledge of the real lives involved

I just think it is cruel to put another woman through the emotional and physical toll of pregnancy. I think it’s very selfish, especially if you already have kids like Kim Kardashian.

I think there is something strange also about people that agree to be sarrogates. I can understand to an extent why you’d do it for a sister or close friend/relative but not a complete stranger. Also what one art would you use your own eggs? That’s giving away your own child.

None of this means that sartogate parents aren’t necessarily good. I’m sure most are great parents and their kids very happy.

I can handle being label strange haha. At least nobody has called us prostitutes yet...

@Yabbers your comment to Caxx was awful. Honestly you should be ashamed.

Are you really so naive to think that all woman who have their children adopted just ditch them without a second thought. You clearly have no idea about all the women who even up until the 1960's were literally forced to give their much loved children away.

Imagine you were 16. There is no social support in the same way for single parents. Your own parents tell you you will not come back hom with a baby. You have nowhere else to go, no way of supporting yourself and a baby. What would you do?