AIBU to wonder if surrogacy is a bit cruel?

[NRGR]

Firstly I'd like to say I think someone being able to give a couple the opportunity to be parents is a lovely thing! I don't mean this in a nasty way.

When a baby's born they say they instantly know who mum is, by the sound of her voice, her smell, heartbeat etc. So taking that into account, is it a bit mean to take that baby after it's born and pass it straight to someone else? One of the first things they say to you when you have a baby is have plenty of skin to skin because you are all the baby really knows.

Surely regardless of whether the surrogate used her own eggs or not, as far as the baby's conserned she is mum and she will be the one the baby wants.

"Cruel" is the wrong word I think but it just made me wonder.

Is this a new development? I thought India had only banned surrogacy with foreigners as IP

Yes its a new development the surrogacy regulation bill now in Lok Sabha prohibits commercial surrogacy for anyone and only allows Indian heterosexual couples who have been infertile for five years to approach a close female relative to perform a surrogacy for them altruisticly so concerns about exploitation and cohersion of female relatives who don't want to do a surrogacy are worrying.

Read this ... Very interesting
gh.bmj.com/content/3/5/e000986

Wowsers, i'm off to have a nosey on that one. Yes I can absolutely see why the worry is a rise in coerced surrogacy births, what a stupid thing to do. That will most definitely make women vulnerable, from their own families.

SweetheartNeckline i'm glad you found it interesting. I enjoy a good debate on surrogacy because a lot of the reasons people are against it are actually things that can be pulled apart. Obviously altruistic surrogacy, when you discuss surrogacy in vulnerable countries then the arguments are different.

That's a really interesting article thank you. Even just reading the first few paragraphs i can see the problem. Interesting that you can only do it altruistically for family...so it's okay in that circumstance but not for a friend say?

For me, i would never be able to carry for family. It would feel too weird.

What an utter load of rubbish. Did you get permission before you were born?! Did all the children born into poverty, war, neglect or abuse get a choice?! No. They didn’t. Neither did you and neither does anyone. Stop using this rubbish as a way to spout crap. My children have two mums and they couldn’t be happier. They know who they are where they came from, even at 4 and 2. I know a gay couple who are doing an amazing job raising a little girl. She doesn’t want for anything and has plenty of women around to be great role models. I want to be a surrogate so I can give a couple the chance to be a family. If a a child is raised correctly then that is what counts. Love is what’s important. Grow up and stop using this to support your own messed up ideas. Who are you to begrudge a child being born into an amazing and caring home.

I can’t be arsed to read the thread but I have had this exact conversation with DH recently.

DS sometimes gets so worked up he can only be soothed by me. Newborns want their mum because as you say they know their smell, sound etc. That’s the whole theory of the “fourth trimester” surrogacy undermines that and must be very distressing initially for a new baby.

May I just ask a question of those who are or have been surrogates please? If the child grows up and it is explained how they were created do you have something prepared to say to them already? This is not meant rudely just curiosity if you don’t mind answering if you do I apologise for any offence

I was asked by XH's best friend if I'd consider being a surrogate for him and his DW when I was 23 (they were mid 30s). I'd had my own baby at 18, was raising a toddler and in my final year of my delayed degree, XH was on a low wage.

The prospect was sold as something beautiful, giving life, and that as affluent people, they would make the sacrifice worth my while. All private healthcare, clothes, an allowance, and offered to put a large lump sum into trust for toddler DC when they became an adult.

I didn't do it. And now I'm struggling wondering about DC going to Uni, I've wondered if I should have done it. Which is the reason I'm against surrogacy. It exploits the vulnerability of those without assets, by those who have it & see you as just a commodity that can serve their needs.

Surrogates are largely lower income, while the buyers are those who have the disposable income. It essentially makes women incubators, people who have money just rent a uterus for 9months.

You can't sell organs because of the risk of exploitation, yet you can sell whole human being if you label it "associated costs".

Most surrogates have a relationship with the families they helped create. They know the children and the children know them and so very few times do these things come up. It’s all open, honest and real. The children I know that were born via surrogacy know and understand the situation and feel loved and wanted by everyone. Hope that helps answer your question. Granted, some people just move on and they have no contact, but that isn’t the route I’d prefer. Kids have questions and it’s natural. I know what I’d say if questions were asked because it’s been a conversation between the surrogate and the parents.

This post upset me to read. My baby was taken from me seconds after being born to go to Nicu for urgent care. No skin to skin for 3 days. Couldn’t see baby for 24 hours. Be careful of your judgement and comments like this as many women don’t get to have their baby share their ‘voice, smell, heartbeat’ etc. I just feel shit now thinking my baby was even more worse off than just struggling for life. I know you didn’t mean it this way and I’ll be set upon for being sensitive but the whole ‘skin to skin, holding baby close’ etc is not the experience we all get.

Surrogacy aside you’re talking about a very specific experience as if all those who keep a birth child goes through it. Not everyone does.

Check your judgement and idealism before posting.

@stuckinanutshell I do feel that it's less perhaps about what happens immediately after birth and more what happens after that. Women are primed to bond with their baby through the hormones that are released after birth and their babies are primed to bond with them.

I think with all my babies and I am sure many women found it to be similar a very strong bond formed with my newborns very quickly. It took much longer for my husband to catch up. I think it's that potential delay in attachment which could cause problems. It changes behaviour as well. Like many women I found I couldn't stand by and listen to my new born cry. I had a physical response of releasing milk.

I am really sorry your baby had to go to NICU. Obviously this was for extremely important reasons relating to their health. In any case it was for a short period.

In surrogacy we are talking about permanently parting the new born and mother. And for no good reason.

My baby was taken away for 24 hours after birth and it made no difference to how we bonded at all - we bonded extremely well and I often forget those 24 hours even happened. He was apparently totally unphased too.

I don’t like it.

In surrogacy we are talking about permanently parting the new born and mother. And for no good reason.

I find this to be a very strange point of view. Of course it’s not ‘for no good reason’. It’s so that the child can go and be with their actual family. I very much disagree that being seperated from the woman whose womb you grew in, in order to go to the family who will love, care for, nurture and cherish you for the rest of your life, will be particularly traumatic for a baby.

I very much disagree that being seperated from the woman whose womb you grew in, in order to go to the family who will love, care for, nurture and cherish you for the rest of your life, will be particularly traumatic for a baby.

I’m not sure that is clear enough for anyone to ‘very much disagree’. The evidence shows that newborns recognise the ‘owner’ of the ‘womb they grew in’. It’s a physical relationship. I wouldn’t disparage it without knowing it doesn’t affect the child. And I don’t think we can know. In fact it seems clearer to me that it must affect them, on some level.