AIBU to wonder if surrogacy is a bit cruel?

[NRGR]

Firstly I'd like to say I think someone being able to give a couple the opportunity to be parents is a lovely thing! I don't mean this in a nasty way.

When a baby's born they say they instantly know who mum is, by the sound of her voice, her smell, heartbeat etc. So taking that into account, is it a bit mean to take that baby after it's born and pass it straight to someone else? One of the first things they say to you when you have a baby is have plenty of skin to skin because you are all the baby really knows.

Surely regardless of whether the surrogate used her own eggs or not, as far as the baby's conserned she is mum and she will be the one the baby wants.

"Cruel" is the wrong word I think but it just made me wonder.

Thanks for that info on Sweden and Germany. I suspect in years to come we will look at surrogacy and can't believe it was allowed.

@Caxx - your experience is not typical of adopted children. At. All.

I think it may have an impact and is perhaps somewhat cruel but unless there's evidence of surrogate children being behind mentally, emotionally, or physically, and generally have issues bonding with their parents and other people in their lives, then I do not think that impact is particularly significant.

As a host surrogate just about to give birth this thread has been very interesting reading!
The baby I am carrying is related to both Dads, and not at all to me.
I have a great job, I don’t need money or recognition, but this was something that I wanted to do. My children have gay parents too, so I think I look at parenting in a different way to hetero couples.
I have no doubt that the baby will be loved and connected with his parents, and he will know both myself and the egg donor.
I wish people would judge each situation individually, there is a huge difference between what I am doing compared to women in developing countries.

PeachMelba78 can I ask where you are, is it the US? Just curious about your comment re being related to both dads...did you do a mixed sample insemination?

I think that many adopted children don’t talk about the lack of connection they have with their adopted parents because of the thinking that they will be upsetting the parents who raised them as their own.

I know several adopted children as adults and in all situations those children have spoken either of meeting their birth parents and feeling absolutely at home even though in some of those situations those biological parents did not share those views or welcome them into their lives,or wanting to trace their biological parents but not wanting to do so while their adoptive parents are still alive for fear of upsetting them as they absolutely recognise that those parents had the best of intentions.

Also, comparing the reactions of a three year old to those of an adult is simply not an accurate reflection as a three year old does not yet have the capacity or the understanding of what it is to not be biologically related to someone or having been carried by them even if they’ve been told the truth from the outset.

SummerGems Caxx stated that it was her biological mum's smell & touch that made her feel loved & calm...which if it was a generic thing would ring true regardless of what age a person was. My example shows that it isn't the case.

I know a few people who have been adopted & their reactions vary from hating their bio parents to wanting to get to know them. I also know a few kids who have one parent who walked out...most don't want anything to do with them

Pissedoff no UK. One of the Dads used a close family member for the donor egg, the other used his sperm.

Personally I’d find it really hard to deal with if my bio mum was the sister of one of my dads.

Seems almost like some kind of science experiment.

Headstone it’s not a sister in this case. Personally I wouldn’t like that but I respect other people’s lives and what they choose to do,
As for it being a scientific experiment, do you mean like IVF, IUI etc?

PeachMelba78 that's fantastic. I really love that

Pissedoff it works for us. That’s the important thing for me. My family are happy and so is there’s. That’s as much as anyone can hope for.

What I mean it seems like the psychological experiments they did in the 60s.

Absolutely right PeachMelba. Hope the rest of your journey is a smooth one

Thanks Pissedoff. Not long to go now, could be any time!

I agree with you OP. The other really key thing is breastfeeding. Baby needs to be with birth mum to feed in the first hour. Colostrum is so important.

Many surros express colostrum. Some also pump for a short term.

Cheby so women who can’t breastfeed are not bonding, babies in intensive care can’t bond. I will be expressing milk as soon as I can but what a lot of pressure to put on new parents!!

@MarmiteTermite your comment resonates with me. A very close friend of mine was adopted at birth. I met him when we were 12 and he always used to tell me that he didn't feel as if he belonged with his parents. They loved him and he loved them but he said he felt as if he belonged elsewhere, he couldn't explain why, said it was a feeling he had. At 16 he was told he was adopted.

I have an ethical problem with commercial surrogacy as the host mother is being paid to rent her womb - low income women usually. However altruistic surrogacy for someone you know is very different. It seems that (in the US at least) surrogacy is being used to avoid the inconvenience of being pregnant by so called celebrities, and the rented wombs are putting their lives in danger, their health and all other issues for money because their are broke and thought it was a way to get themselves out of a situation. Certainly in India surrogates are treated terribly.

my adopted mum I never felt safe or loved with them

That’s a failing of your adopted mum, not of biology.

Strange you felt calm and loved by a woman who gave you away.

"But no one asks the child how they feel about it before it happens - whether they actually want to be raised by an older couple or single parent or same sex couple or in a family with a strong cultural identity"

A didn't want to be raised in an abusive household, surrounded by 'Family', who ignored and colluded in it.

Unfortunately the Women and Men, who I happened to be blood related to, were all fertile and didn't have to pass assessments etc.

I moarn the loss of one of my dogs, in particular, as for anything else that's died, I'm indifferent.

I have issues with the small amount the Indian and Pakistani Women were paid, especially as they didn't have the back up of future health care and a few of the disabled babies were abandoned and I read about two that were more or less left to die. As we once did In the UK.

It think International surrogacy can be cruel to women, not babies. I watch a documentary film about Indian surrogates on youtube and a lot have been coerced into doing it multiple times for money by family members. The clinic seemed to treat them well enough, the attitude of the adoptive parents was awful, very dismissive of the emotions the carrying mother might be feeling. I also got Meera Syal's The House of Hidden Mothers from the library and that was too.

I have a family member (not one of my children) who was adopted out. I found out about and met the person as an adult and although a nice person and interesting to view family physical traits i felt no connection at all. I think sharing a childhood either through being a sibling, parent or child seems to trump genetics.

I like being able to look in the mirror and see where those ears, kink in the hair etc came from but in reality it doesn't make a lot of difference to me on a daily basis.

I can spot things in my children how they sit or laugh that are genetic to the wider family but neither look like me at all.