AIBU to wonder if surrogacy is a bit cruel?

[NRGR]

Firstly I'd like to say I think someone being able to give a couple the opportunity to be parents is a lovely thing! I don't mean this in a nasty way.

When a baby's born they say they instantly know who mum is, by the sound of her voice, her smell, heartbeat etc. So taking that into account, is it a bit mean to take that baby after it's born and pass it straight to someone else? One of the first things they say to you when you have a baby is have plenty of skin to skin because you are all the baby really knows.

Surely regardless of whether the surrogate used her own eggs or not, as far as the baby's conserned she is mum and she will be the one the baby wants.

"Cruel" is the wrong word I think but it just made me wonder.

YABU. A baby could be nurtured by a gorilla in the early stages as ling as its fed and changed and cuddled.

YABU. A baby could be nurtured by a gorilla in the early stages as long as it's fed and changed and cuddled.

I see your line of thinking.

Yes, surrogacy is amazingly wonderful for the receiving parent(s).

I guess sometimes it can feel pretty good for the birth mother especially if she is surrogate for a close relative.

But no one asks the child how they feel about it before it happens - whether they actually want to be raised by an older couple or single parent or same sex couple or in a family with a strong cultural identity (very rich/poor/religious/arty/political whatever).

In many cases it all works out beautifully.

For the cases where it doesn't, the child must have a lot of 'what if...?' and 'if only...' thoughts.

I feel the same as you do OP. The focus is always on the selflessness of the birth mother helping out a couple unable to have their own child, but I wonder about ill effects of the child when separated from its mother.

I don’t like the idea of surrogacy at all, for the reasons you’ve mentioned and for some of my own

I agree with your reasoning, OP.

When I birthed my two surrobabes they went straight to their mother.

I don't know what a baby feels, none of us do, but those two babies were contended in the arms of their parents (having their skin on skin and a feed).

They are now two contended little toddlers. No more, no less than my own.

🤷‍♀️

My tuppence, for what it's worth, as a surrogate mother and mother of three keepers.

Hopefully not - I was in IC and unconscious after my last baby. He was with my husband.

Totally agree with you OP. There is research that newborn babies recognise their mums voice. They hear the voice when they are in the womb.

There's a whole slew of people who were born by surrogacy or doner conception blogging about their issues with it

MinecraftMother, thank you for giving two families the wonderful opportunity to have children of their own.

Surrogacy is surely the last option. The children would not exist without it.
No, I can't accept that surrogacy is intrinsically cruel. However I imagine that everyone involved would possibly need counselling and very sensitive handling. Maybe long term.

My baby was whisked off to NICU whilst I was taken to ICU, she was cared for by strangers for the first 5 days of her life (then we had some input, but she remained there for a further 3 weeks) it’s done her no ill harm

But no one asks the child how they feel about it before it happens - whether they actually want to be raised by an older couple or single parent or same sex couple or in a family with a strong cultural identity (very rich/poor/religious/arty/political whatever).

Isn't that the case for every single child though?

I think the whole idea of it is awful!

I disagree

As with most opinions, you are not unreasonable to think the way you do, but it's unreasonable to expect others to not use a surrogate.

Maybe the difference is the intent from the outset?

Yes babies spend time in NICU, are adopted/fostered, or can't immediately be with mum for various reasons, and many of them grow up with no ill effects from those first moments.

But some do. The what ifs, the endless questions. I am very close to three people who have been adopted. It has affected them all in many ways, with attachments, with self identity, how they value themselves and how they see the world.

So when this situation is decided upon before conception, a purposeful act rather than a reaction to or result of an unavoidable series of events, it somehow feels different.

The ethics surrounding surrogacy are questionable as it is.

Just as an aside, I read somewhere recently about men's views of surrogacy (cba digging out link) and it is quite different. Men's offspring are always carried by someone else and they generally are much more relaxed about it.
Sorry to derail.

I could carry my sister's eggs as give her the baby because I would always know how the baby was. Even for my sister I would not be capable of being a straight surrogate.

Well as long as the men are OK with it.

I had twins, one stayed with me and one went into nicu. My bonding with the twin who went away was slower and the impact lasted for a good while.
It seems reasonable there is in impact for the dc in this situation but how serious it is would require research.

Also it is known that dc have innately different levels for resilience when dealing with trauma.

If left to nature most babies wouldn’t be raised by the women who gave birth to them, as those women would be dead.

So adopted kids are incapable of bonding with their mothers?