To be terrified of dying

[Myheartbelongsto]

There is nothing I can do about this but I am petrified!

Anyone else feel the same?

@PedunculatedPolp
My mum always says " You were fine before you got here so you will be fine when you leave".

I love that!

I feel terrible saying this when people are clinging onto life but I don’t want to live a long life. As someone said above I see it as going to sleep after a very long day. My MH isn’t great and every day is a struggle.

I’m not afraid of death but I’m apprehensive of how it will happen.

I used to be (I would have regular panic attacks at night since I was 6 or 7 - I call them panic attacks but they were more like moments of intense existential horror) and a lot of well-meaning posts on this thread are things people have said to me in the past, to no effect! I have come to terms with death as I've got older and you may find this too, OP. I'm an atheist but I have been finding Buddhist teachings helpful - particularly the illusion of self.

I was terrified of it when I was younger and my kids were small and I think a lot of us become risk averse when parenting dependents.

I was diagnosed with cancer 5 months ago, haven’t been given a terminal diagnosis yet but I believe it’s only a matter of time, I’m gearing up for major surgery which may buy me time (or kill me quicker).

As a result I’ve spent a lot of time contemplating my death - mostly what upsets me is how other people will cope, I have barely adult children and a partner who is coping by choosing to believe I’ll be fine but I’m not scared for myself, I think it’s worse for those left behind. As long as I have adequate pain relief and my dignity is maintained as much as possible I’m at peace with it although it’s been a hell of an emotional roller coaster to get to this point (and I still have my moments). I’m 49 if that’s of any relevance.

I wish you all the best with your treatment, @tsonlyme .

I can see the logic of it but im one of those people that feels comforted by the inevitability of death and looks forward to the promise of rest lol

Me too, my dad died when I was 13 due to hereditary heart conditions. So that scares me.

I also have epilepsy and have known numerous people who have died in their sleep due to seizures. Even though I have lived with it for nearly 20 years it now scares me that I may never wake up (from either of the above conditions) and leave my DCs behind.

I have had counselling years ago, first after my dad died and then following my epilepsy diagnosis but it does not seemed to have worked.

What terrifies me most is not leaving people behind, but it is the not existing, if that makes sense. Of everything being gone and no longer having any feeling or existence.

It’s this for me, too. I’m also terrified of my husband dying first and being without him. I really hope he outlives me as I couldn’t cope on my own.

Terrified. Mostly that it will be a slow, painful lingering death after being stuck in an awful nursing home for a couple of years.

Terrified here too, and the way it will happen. Suffering from anxiety doesn't help. But totally get you OP

This sounds daft but I worry more about my kids being old and vulnerable.
I know they will have their own families and support by then but I hate the thought of them being scared and poorly as they get old.

Yes I am afraid too. I went to a Catholic convent as a young child and and I regularly go over in my mind all the things I've done wrong in my mind and feel that I'll be punished somehow.

I mean things I've done wrong in my life!

Not scared of dying, terrified of the how. Violent etc.

I remember this acutely when my kids were smaller.
For those scared about leaving children behind it helps to make formal arrangements about what would happen to them - we agreed with friends and family who would have them and made sure everyone understood our wishes. We then put it in our will. When the kids were big enough to understand we talked to them about it too.

Having arrangements in place helps when you are doing that ‘fantasising’ day dream thing going through what would happen if you do die (we all do that, right?)
Having health issues is scary and it increases your sensitivity on these things. Try making plans for things in 18 months time to start to train yourself to look forward with excitement.
And live every day like it’s your last. Look at the sky, enjoy your kids, laugh with your friends. Just live it’s what we are here for

I’m so close to my mum and dad I don’t know if I’d cope?

Of course you would. You’re no different to my husband, my best friend, and any people you may know who have been in the same position. It’s the natural order of things for your parents to die before you. Of course bereavement is difficult but it’s also just part of life.

Some people here I think might have mental health problems they could do with support with or seriously need to stop wallowing. If you’re otherwise healthy worrying about dying every hour of the day is not normal. I think some kind of anxiety or worrying about what would happen to your kids is one thing but fretting constantly about it is pointless. Plus given life expectancy is on the increase the odds are in your favour for a decent innings :)

I really hope he outlives me as I couldn’t cope on my own

Why not? Do you think you’re somehow more special or different, or love your husband more than anyone else who has been widowed but carried on living? Or do you mean that you are physically dependent upon him? That kind of statement really annoys me and also I know offends people who have no choice but to “cope”.

I used to be when the dcs were young but they are older now so I’m not so concerned. I have a life limiting (not terminal) illness & could die this afternoon, next year or in 10 years there’s no way of knowing. I’ll not get to an old age that’s for sure. Being dead doesn’t scare me it’s the way of dying that does. I’d hate to be raped & then murdered. 2 friends were & that terrifies me. Dying from my illness - no.

to all those with terminal illnesses.

I was taught that 80% of deaths are expected, meaning that pain meds are prescribed if necessary and there's no need for the patient to feel pain. Also that many people told they are dying accept it well as theres nothing else they can do. Im not sure i would, i think I would cry and be an emotional wreck.
Im scared of dying because of missing my family growing up etc.

Schmoobarb, I hear ya! It also kind of irritates me that people can hear from posters ACTUALLY facing this, but it doesn't modify their responses in any way.

I can't say that I'm especially roused by it (I've got more to worry about, after all), but it does make me sigh.

Why not? Do you think you’re somehow more special or different, or love your husband more than anyone else who has been widowed but carried on living?

What an odd comment - I didn’t realise it was a competition? My husband is my world (I don’t have DCs) and I just wouldn’t have the inclination or desire to carry on without him. If he were to pass away first then there would be nothing in my life worth living for, so why should I continue on?

I used to be, but I’ve worked on myself and I’m ok now.

Looking at some of the very elderly people I’ve known in the past few years, I’ve decided my real fear is living too long.

Obviously I don’t fancy going too soon, either...

But death is a life process. The body will have mechanisms for it. Chemicals will be released, hormones will kick in and it’ll all be fine. And once it’s happened, you won’t be freaking out, or worrying, or reliving it.

Concentrate on living. And read Duck, Death and the Tulip.

Schmoobarb, I hear ya! It also kind of irritates me that people can hear from posters ACTUALLY facing this, but it doesn't modify their responses in any way.

I read the OP then one or two responses below before adding my reply. It’s a busy day for me and I haven’t had a chance to read the whole thread.

I admire and have deep sympathy for everyone who manages to carry on once their partner has passed away - it must be the hardest thing ever and it makes me desperately sad thinking about it. I also don’t think I’d personally be strong enough to do so.

It’s not really an odd comment, crimson. Plenty of people do cope. Dealing with death is part of life. Also do you think it’s really ideal to have nothing in your life except your husband? No hobbies, friends etc? What if he ever left you? Not nice to think I guess and I hope it doesn’t happen, but you don’t need to look far on this site or elsewhere to see unexpected cases of marriage breakdown.

I admire and have deep sympathy for everyone who manages to carry on once their partner has passed away - it must be the hardest thing ever

I think losing a child would be immeasurably worse

I was given a death sentence about 10 years ago when I had ovarian cancer. Before that I'd had the usual fear of dying which I think everyone under 40 has. But having lived through that, and knowing how it feels to be on a finite time scale, I actually lost my fear of death entirely. I now don't have any fear since I know it's not something which serves any purpose. I survived that one experience, so am enjoying my life now , rather than worrying about the end of it.