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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To apologise for bullying 25+ years ago

101 replies

KM99 · 05/01/2019 20:58

Back in my school days (I'm in my 40s now) I once did something pretty cruel to one of my classmates. A gang of us actually did it, not physical but emotional. We got found out, hauled over the coals in front of the whole school and made very public and private apologies. Which was exactly right and I thoroughly deserved the sickness I felt in my stomach for weeks afterwards.

I've often thought about it since (especially as I was bullied constantly at school myself for being fat). While I know I was only young, immature, lacked the empathy that comes with life experience etc I sometimes think back on it and feel horrible.

So, the person involved is on Facebook. I keep feeling compelled to write to them to say sorry. They were frequently picked on by many people and I feel shitty for having been involved, albeit once.

So - I need objective opinions. Does this seem a good idea or am I just being selfish wanting to ease my own guilt from misdemeanors past?

I mean, I'm not sure what I'm expecting really. I guess I'd like to know they are ok after a pretty rough school experience.

Don't sugar the pill in your responses. I'd like brutally honest opinions.

OP posts:
Returnofthesmileybar · 05/01/2019 21:01

No say nothing. I wouldn't appreciate it and would feel annoyed you brought it all back up and would resent being put in an awkward situation now

Babyroobs · 05/01/2019 21:01

I don't think there's any harm in it as long as you're not expecting forgiveness as the effects of bullying are long lasting. It may help that person to know you are sorry. A friend of mine was a troubled teen and made one of her teachers lives hell at school. Years later she went back to the teachers house ( she lived in the next village) and apologised. the teacher was fine and had mainly forgotten it but it made my friend feel better !

Cheerbear23 · 05/01/2019 21:03

I doubt your bullied victim would want to hear from you tbh, it would probably re open old wounds (depending on how serious the bullying was).
Realistically what can you say 20 years down the line?
What are your motives for wanting to apologise?
I suspect you just want to feel better yourself about what you did?

indecisivepigeon · 05/01/2019 21:04

I wouldn’t say anything.

The fact that you feel awful so many years later suggests that you are not a bully at heart.

Children can be really cruel but you learned a valuable lesson.

Be a bit kinder to yourself Flowers

hazell42 · 05/01/2019 21:05

I think you should let it go. You feel guilty and while that is appropriate to a point, you were a child and it is unnecessary to punish yourself forever.
Dragging it all up again may well make you feel better but it isn't likely to make them feel better. Unless you have good reason to believe that it has had a lasting effect on this person, I would let it go.
Should you meet them in real life, a brief acknowledgement that you know you hurt them and an apology might be in order, but a random message over Facebook dragging out something that they would likely rather forget seems unfair.

adaline · 05/01/2019 21:06

No. I was bullied and I would block and delete my bullies if they tried to contact me now. I've moved on and I'm happy with my life - I don't want to be reminded of that time in my life.

birdiewoof · 05/01/2019 21:06

No don’t do it. A girl who was awful to me when I was a kid came up to me in a pub once and apologised, I wasn’t impressed. It was to make herself feel better, not me!

1Redacted1 · 05/01/2019 21:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sicario · 05/01/2019 21:08

I often think about the girl who smashed my face in at school back in the 70s. Her name was [oh so tempting to put it out there] and she was pig ugly. Bullied me mercilessly. I'd love to run into her...

Sarcelle · 05/01/2019 21:08

No, leave her be.

CheekyNandosForMe · 05/01/2019 21:08

You sound like you're trying to make yourself feel better. As someone who was chronically bullied through schools, at home, and in my work places (lucky me...) the last thing I'd want is for one of the cunts to try and talk to me about it. I'm 36 but I still get shite dreams about being at school with those people. Don't do it. Just leave them alone.

Original poster
KM99 · 05/01/2019 21:09

indecisivepigeon I typically was the one bullied at school, I think with this incident I just got caught up in being part of the gang and not being the one in the spotlight

Cheerbear23 I think you have hit the nail on the head. Doing this is probably about making myself feel better which isn't a good motive at all.

One thing I do know. When my DS gets older I'll be sharing this life lesson with him when we talk about bullying.

OP posts:
CheekyNandosForMe · 05/01/2019 21:09

I'm not calling you a cunt, I'm calling the cunts in my past cunts.

cowfacemonkey · 05/01/2019 21:09

As someone who was bullied badly I wouldn’t want to hear from you. Not out of some deep seated hatred but I’ve moved on I don’t need someone dredging stuff up so they can feel better about themselves.

BishopBrennansArse · 05/01/2019 21:10

Now I'd be grateful, an apology would be appreciated.
Five years ago it would have triggered my PTSD (that's how bad the bullying was).

Consolidatedyourloins · 05/01/2019 21:11

Has it blighted your life in some way?

I do think you would be doing it to make yourself feel better, but if it's holding you back in some way then that may be justifiable to an extent.

While I know I was only young, immature, lacked the empathy that comes with life experience etc

As long as you realise that many children do have empathy without the life experience.

Original poster
KM99 · 05/01/2019 21:11

Thanks everyone. I'm 100% not going to do it.

If I'd started by asking myself how I'd feel if one of the people who physically or mentally bullied me for being fat, I suspect I'd come to the same conclusion. I wouldn't want to hear from them.

OP posts:
ID81241 · 05/01/2019 21:12

No don't do it. It won't alleviate their memories, only make you feel like you've made things better. What's done is done, you can't change the past but please don't drag it up into the victim's present after all these years.

ID81241 · 05/01/2019 21:12

Sorry OP cross posted. Glad you've come to a conclusion

Hoppinggreen · 05/01/2019 21:12

One of my bullies tried to contact me on FB to apologise
I blocked her, there was no benefit to me in her apology and I had no interest in helping her ease her conscience
I had awful dreams as well for a couple of nights

Original poster
KM99 · 05/01/2019 21:13

CheekyNandosForMe that's ok, I understood.

Consolidatedyourloins point taken, I guess I meant more life experience gives you insight to more complex situations and emotions.

OP posts:
FuckingYuleLog · 05/01/2019 21:13

I think that’s the right decision. You apologised at the time. Digging it back up to try and make yourself feel better wouldn’t be fair.

Streamside · 05/01/2019 21:14

No leave it especially as it seemed to be worked through and dealt with at the time. Give a donation to a charity or talk about your experience but leave this person alone. I was bullied at primary school and looking back I realise I was an introverted child from a pretty dysfunctional abusive background. As a result I probably bore all the hallmarks of a child likely to be bullied, a discussion about it at this stage in my life would be very unhelpful. You were a child and you were punished.

Thewifipasswordis · 05/01/2019 21:18

No. This is what you have to live with for being an arse as a kid. If you were my bully and messaged me I'd laugh in your face tbh and rip you a new one. Clearing your guilt does nothing to benefit anyone but yourself.

tinydancer88 · 05/01/2019 21:21

I was part of a very toxic friendship group at school, and treated another student very poorly. I often think about contacting them to apologise but it doesn't feel fair to bring it up again and I worry that I would cause more distress in order to them through trying to alleviate mine.

I agree with a previous poster that if paths cross in the future an apology is the right thing to do but to seek them out and engage with them about it when you don't know if they want could do more harm than good now.

Humans are complicated and flawed, and children/teenagers do awful things. Guilt helps us to recognise when we have hurt others and learn from it. I think the best thing to do is to move on - you can't change the past and you are a different person now.

I was also bullied at school and I think an apology from those who picked on me would just remind me of a time I don't want to dwell on.