To apologise for bullying 25+ years ago

[KM99]

Back in my school days (I'm in my 40s now) I once did something pretty cruel to one of my classmates. A gang of us actually did it, not physical but emotional. We got found out, hauled over the coals in front of the whole school and made very public and private apologies. Which was exactly right and I thoroughly deserved the sickness I felt in my stomach for weeks afterwards.

I've often thought about it since (especially as I was bullied constantly at school myself for being fat). While I know I was only young, immature, lacked the empathy that comes with life experience etc I sometimes think back on it and feel horrible.

So, the person involved is on Facebook. I keep feeling compelled to write to them to say sorry. They were frequently picked on by many people and I feel shitty for having been involved, albeit once.

So - I need objective opinions. Does this seem a good idea or am I just being selfish wanting to ease my own guilt from misdemeanors past?

I mean, I'm not sure what I'm expecting really. I guess I'd like to know they are ok after a pretty rough school experience.

Don't sugar the pill in your responses. I'd like brutally honest opinions.

Sorry you feel that is rough Colly - I seriously considered suicide because she made my life a complete misery for over a year. To be honest I think my reaction is pretty mild considering just what an effect she had on my life.

Yes we all make mistakes, but not on a daily basis - the same cruelty over and over and over again.

Lots of different views OP. It's a tricky one. Obviously this was an isolated incident for you, the remorse you feel now combined with your own experience of being bullied says a lot about your nature.

Apologising decades later can be taken several ways depending on how the person was affected. As others have said it could be seen as some kind of self virtue, particularly as we have so much good deeds which seem to loose meaning with the publicity on social media that seems to accompany these acts..the I'm so dreadful for this horrendous incident of hair pullingb30 yrs ago how can i live with myself so sorry dear sarah' triggering the responses stating how wonderful said person is .

Your particular involvement may have been absorbed into the general awful experience at school, she may not remember or connect you with bigger events in which case it would be difficult to deny this and state you were also a victim but wanted to appologise for your slight involvement.

However. I was bullied verbally at school, this was 30 years ago now. I also recall a girl I had been friendly with who was teased a fair bit, being brought Into the group of girls how continued to tease her (clearly preferable to being a bullied outsider). She in turn joined in with the taunts that made my life hell and led to me leaving the school. I recall her look of guilt and avoiding eye contact during these times, those little comments hurt more than the full on verbal attacks from the main group.

Decades later bizarrely I've had friend requests fro. Several of these girls, the odd PM along the lines of 'you disappeared from school what happened? Done well for yourself then?' I've taken a teenage pleasure in blocking. But.....if that particular girl sent me a private message, avoiding excuses and admitting the wrongs etc I'd actually be really touched after all this time. I know she took the easier option to avoid further issues herself, I'm sure she had guilt. A long time ago but I'd like the oppurunity to accept an apology.

Sorry for the late night poorly written essay!!

I seriously considered suicide because she made my life a complete misery for over a year. To be honest I think my reaction is pretty mild considering just what an effect she had on my life.

I’m really sorry to hear this happened to you and no one should underestimate the effect bullying can have. It sadly seems to be getting more common too that children are actually taking their own lives.

All I’d say is that bullies are still children and are often going through their own shit, in the case of my bully it was being bullied herself at home by a sibling and neglected by an alcoholic parent. It’s never the happy, sorted, confident kids who are going around beating others up. I’m not trying to excuse it but equally I don’t think anyone deserves to suffer for the rest of their lives because of the things they did aged 12.

I was a fairly difficult child and drove my mum to despair and a few times remember her crying . I feel horribly guilty about it now but I truly didn’t realise the effect I could have on another person until I was older. I didn’t realise I had that power. That realisation came with age.

You already apologised as a child and I’m assuming you stopped the bullying then . You don’t need to apologise again in my opinion

Thank you Birds

The girl who bullied me was 15 and I was 11 - I could never forgive her and her friends who she was the ringleader on. The effects of that year have stayed with me forever so I make absolutely no apology in hoping it stayed with her too.

I don't know if she was being bullied elsewhere, but to be honest if she was then she should have been more aware of the damage she was causing. She enjoyed what she was doing.

I apologise for hijacking your thread OP, as you can see the memories of being bullied run deep. Please leave your victim to hopefully leave it all in the past.

Five I can see where you are coming from I still look back on some of the things that were done to me with a lot of sadness. I just think the op on this post was really genuine with her post it takes a big person to stand up and say look I was a total arsehole especially on mumsnet where chances are you'll be torn apart. I am sorry you had such a bad time of it though bullying is horrendous.

You are right Colly - my response was too quick and definitely not considered. Mostly I think about the bullying without anger, just sadness, but just occasionally I would like to rip her arms off!

I was bullied st school and I would like an apology. Might not accept it immediately and I would think you were doing it to make yourself feel better but maybe it'd make me feel better too?

Don't let any of it make you feel angry it will steal all your joy. Mostly people bully because they have their own troubles in their lives when I went through a particular stage of being quite a horrible shitty person my brother who is severely disabled had a huge seizure and almost died my parents were living in a hospital flat and I had been sent with local relatives while they had to stay with my brother in another city. I picked on others because at the time I stupidly thought it would make me a strong person but deep down I was scared, felt pushed aside, guilty and ashamed that I felt jealous and I just really missed my mum and dad. My brother recovered and life went back to normal I stopped being a bully but started getting bullied instead at one point was scared to go to school. It's such a vicious circle.

I'm so glad it's a topic that gets talked about now and there's so much awareness but it sickens me to see how many young people feel they have no option but to take their own lives as a result of this and equally distressing is the number of people who live well into their adult life either regretting their own behaviour or still feeling tormented by their experiences at the hands of bullies.

Always remember the bully didn't bully you because of you they did it because of them.. that will never be okay but always know it wasn't your fault.

Sorry probably not very well put currently extremely sleep deprived and trying to work out if I'm in labour or not so may not make a lot of sense!

Colly - you made perfect sense.

Hope by the time you read this you have a lovely new arrival

OP, whatever you decide to do, please don't let guilt eat you up. You were a bullied child who let peer pressure get the better of you once, you apologised at the time, and you feel bad about it. You didn't take part in a sustained bullying campaign or anything. The chances are, this person barely even registered your involvement.

Fwiw, I was a bullied child who stood by and did nothing when others were getting a hard time. I didn't take part, but I didn't try to stop it either. It was a combination of relief that someone other than me was getting it for a change, and an unwillingness to attract the bullies' attention onto myself. I feel bad about it now but what use does that do?

As for an apology, I would probably appreciate it now if one of my tormentors said they were sorry, but 10 years ago it would have been unwelcome. I had therapy for self-harm and an ED which resulted directly from the bullying, and it would have triggered me badly. I think if you were in a face to face situation and you judged that the other person would appreciate an apology, that would be different, but I don't see FB as being a suitable medium for it.

I hate it when people say that bullies do what they do because they have hard lives. It’s a poor excuse and often not even actually true.

Thanks to everyone who responded. I appreciate all the honest advice and sharing your own experiences.

I think the reason I think about this one off incident is because I was on the recieving end of a lot of bullying myself. It's something that I discussed when I had therapy for anxiety and depression. And like a few of you mentioned, I deeply regret being swept along in it all.

And that's why I also feel the majority on here are spot on. I'm thinking of this to relieve my own guilt and that's a selfish motive. Hence why I won't be doing it.

I wouldn’t. I was horribly bullied at school, and if any of my bullies got in touch now I would find it humiliating. I’ve moved on and am now happy, successful and have great relationships. If one of my bullies tried to apologise to me it would feel like they believed what they had done still had a hold on me, like it still matters to me what a few bitches thought 20 years ago.

You apologised at the time which is more than most bullies do. Just let it go now.

Personally I'd shudder if the head bully of our little coven of bullies at school (all the under-bullies were frightened of her) ever tried to contact me.

She was such a little thing, too, and so unutterably cruel and vicious-tongued.
So evidently not like you, OP, but even so I'd let sleeping dogs lie.

You sound like a decent person OP, stop beating yourself up.

I was not a bully at school by any stretch, but also had the odd one off incident, mocking me for clothing, looks etc. Vicious, but not sustained and hasn’t got under my skin in the long run. I’ve done well for myself, many of these girls now have tough lives and I wouldn’t feel the need to be angry towards them if I saw them.

Maybe you got caught up in a shit one off incident and it also stopped for her? Maybe like me she’s pretty much forgotten and doesn’t look back upset or angry? I feel quite neutral myself, in fact I’ve gone on to have polite conversations and understand someone who once threatened to stab me and follow me around terrorising me for a few weeks (she was huge!). We were stupid kids, and we’ve grown into different people as adults. We reacted to shit circumstances, poverty, boredom and struggles in our lives in different ways at the time.

Birds don’t carry the guilt regarding your mum. Of course she worried about you. She loved you. I’m glad she was someone who cared. I carried similar guilt for what my own mum went through with me - sort of vicarious bullying really as it was about what I was going through at school - but we were children, with a child’s coping mechanisms.

OP, if you now feel direct contact with your bully may not be for you, maybe consider further counselling ss it seems to have helped you in the past? Writing the message/letter you don’t actually send can be therapeutic too, and is better if you can share with a trusted person/counsellor.

Sorry, that should be ‘person you bullied’.

I would also just leave it as you’re only doing it to assuage your own guilt x

Your post gives me hope though that the vile little cunts who are bullying my son will one day grow up to be decent human beings and feel ashamed of how they treated him.

Just leave this person has no obligation to make you feel better accept you were not particulary nice tothem and move on. When facebook first started a few people contacted me that made my schooldays unbearable their excuse ah we were just kids they were swiftly blocked

Mostly people bully because they have their own troubles in their lives

Don't agree. Most people (ime) bully because they can. And also ime they don't change as they get older.

I wouldn't thank the OP for an apology after all this time. I'm happy I've moved on and rarely think about it (except when the DGC have problems at school - that brings it all back)

As someone who was bullied through school and has major self esteem issues because of it, no do not contact them at all you will bring bad memory's back and if happened to me I'd tell them to go to hell as I am not helping them feel better about their selves.

Bullying is horrific for children don't try and bring up the suffering again.

Even if the woman told you to piss off and leave her alone then she is still validating your behaviour imo she doesn't have to do that .