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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To apologise for bullying 25+ years ago

101 replies

KM99 · 05/01/2019 20:58

Back in my school days (I'm in my 40s now) I once did something pretty cruel to one of my classmates. A gang of us actually did it, not physical but emotional. We got found out, hauled over the coals in front of the whole school and made very public and private apologies. Which was exactly right and I thoroughly deserved the sickness I felt in my stomach for weeks afterwards.

I've often thought about it since (especially as I was bullied constantly at school myself for being fat). While I know I was only young, immature, lacked the empathy that comes with life experience etc I sometimes think back on it and feel horrible.

So, the person involved is on Facebook. I keep feeling compelled to write to them to say sorry. They were frequently picked on by many people and I feel shitty for having been involved, albeit once.

So - I need objective opinions. Does this seem a good idea or am I just being selfish wanting to ease my own guilt from misdemeanors past?

I mean, I'm not sure what I'm expecting really. I guess I'd like to know they are ok after a pretty rough school experience.

Don't sugar the pill in your responses. I'd like brutally honest opinions.

OP posts:
todayiwin · 05/01/2019 22:26

I was bullied by one particular person at school. 30 years later if she came to me now, I would genuinely punch her in the face

DETEST BULLIES!

HTH

BarbarianMum · 05/01/2019 22:26

When the woman who used to bully me at school apologised years later I really appreciated it. I like that she's grown into a nicer person, it helped me move on.

todayiwin · 05/01/2019 22:29

@nauticant agree with you 100%, it's about the bully clearing their own guilt. Not time for it!

Mummysharkdodododo · 05/01/2019 22:29

I was bullied at school, I had terrible acne and I couldn't get rid of for most of high school. They eroded all my confidence over several years name calling and just generally being mean.

I wouldn't want to hear from anyone who joined in the name calling, it'd be pretty obvious the apology would only stand to benefit themselves. What I'd prefer is for you to teach your children (if you have them) not to do it to other children.

safetyfreak · 05/01/2019 22:31

Recently I have had anxiety thinking about the two boys who bullied me throughout secondary school. I think I would appreciate it if they did apologize to me for what they did...one has a daughter now (FB snooping) and I wonder how he would feel if his daughter was bullied by someone like him at school .

OP do what feels right for you but I wouldn't expect a reply.

nauticant · 05/01/2019 22:35

The difficulty comes when the bully assumes they can have the same perspective of the bullying as the bullied. Firstly this is impossible. Secondly it is again putting the bullied person as an unimportant bit-part in the bully's story.

AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo · 05/01/2019 22:38

You apologised at the time.
Another apology now would be self-serving, IMO.
You used this person once to raise your battered self-esteem; don't do it again.

BunsOfAnarchy · 05/01/2019 22:40

Id lose my shit if any of the scumbags who bullied me apologised now.
No fucking way.

Leave it be OP. Live with it.

yellowishgiraffe · 05/01/2019 22:46

Perhaps it might help you to write a letter to this person but not actually send it to them. Put it in a post box in a blank envelope, burn it in a bbq, rip it up and recycle, dispose of it how you see fit.

That way you can get the guilt out of your system, but not bring up bad memories for the person in question.

silvercuckoo · 05/01/2019 22:48

Don't do it.
I was bullied mercilessly at school. I even changed my name later to erase that part of my life, like it wasn't even me.
I grew into a (relatively) successful adult, but I know that speccy spotty weirdo girl who was forced to drink water from the school toilet is somewhere there inside me. She is comatose, but I still feel her at times.
I have absolutely no intention of making my bullies feel better about themselves by bringing her back to life. A big portion of my life was already spent making them feel better about themselves, and I am not getting it back.

CrabbyPatty · 05/01/2019 22:58

I find the responses here interesting but I guess we are all different. I was systematically excluded and consistently severely emotionally abused by my peers for years. I now struggle with anxiety and depression, which through counselling I've learnt stems from the bullying. In some ways I've moved on - I'm successful with a happy family, but often it feels like yesterday. I still have difficulties making friends and incredibly paranoid. I now study child abuse and many of the implications for me are the same. If any of the ringleaders expressed to me that they felt guilty and acknowledged the hurt they caused I think it would help. I always assumed they probably don't though. However, OP you dont sound like a ringleader and I dont think hearing from someone like you would do anything for me. As PP said you don't sound like a bully at heart. Just as a side note I actually feel more let down by the teachers who were well aware but never intervenened. I wouldn't necessarily expect them to stop the bullying but at least to support me through it. X

CrabbyPatty · 05/01/2019 23:01

Oh @silvercuckoo i can relate to that bullied child being somewhere still inside me. Xx

TrainsandDiggers · 05/01/2019 23:10

Someone actually apologised like this to my husband over FB - he appreciated it and I respected the person that did it. They didn’t expect a response or forgiveness, but wanted him to know they were sorry and that they had changed.

You sound like a decent person. We all did things as kids we regret now and normally for the fear of not fitting in if we didn’t. Do what makes you feel better, but be kind to yourself too. X

Angie169 · 05/01/2019 23:15

I have not looked into it but is there a charity to help kids that have been bullied ? could you donate to that instead ? that way you get to feel a bit better about yourself without making contact with your victim.

Fstar · 05/01/2019 23:22

No dont. I once met a nice girl on a night out, mentioned my brother and cousin (girl) who would have been in her year at the same school. As soon as i mentioned cousin her face fell, looked like i hut her with a sledgehammer. She said she had been bullied by my cousin for years, she then went on to get legless which was very obviously a result of those memories coming back and her trying to forget. Felt terrible for her and disgusted with cousin.

Nonomore3 · 05/01/2019 23:31

I would take a lot of comfort in an apology.
I would be pleased that what happenedhad stayed with the person. That it wasn’t just me who remembers.
I am surprised at the general consensus that not apologising is best. But shows that what I think isn’t always what others do

IdblowJonSnow · 05/01/2019 23:38

Some very different responses on here
You just can't know can you op. Someone apologised to me in a night club once, years ago for being a shit at school. I really didn't appreciate it on a night out. I think I'd probably leave it.

EmeraldShamrock · 05/01/2019 23:41

OP try to let go of the guilt too. You are clearly not a bad person. It is horrible when we have niggling guilt as an Adult. if you feel it is right then maybe you should send the message. Most people change from selfish peer pressure teen.
The ones in school who were the constant bully will still be a bully today, not feeling any guilt 25 minutes after never mind 25 years.
We all do things we regret.

Craftycorvid · 05/01/2019 23:43

I was badly bullied throughout my schooldays. You were bully and victim, OP, and that’s hard. May sound trite but bullying damages both bully and victim. If one of the bullies contacted me now I’m not sure how I’d feel, I think it would depend on how sincere they seemed. I agree with an earlier poster that facebook is too public a medium and if there is a more personal way to get in touch, that would be more appropriate. Is there a reason why this part of your past feels particularly ‘present’ for you now?

EmeraldShamrock · 05/01/2019 23:47

I was an anti bully in school. I was tough and I always stuck up for anyone who was getting bullied, there wasn't any toilet incidents in my school, that is horrible. Anyone who participated in it should be forever ashamed.
I am still anti bully. We have a lovely lady in work very sweet but dramatic etc etc but lovely and innocent. I always stop anyone making fun of her.

Topseyt · 06/01/2019 02:10

I was bullied throughout most of secondary school. Teachers mostly useless and did nothing about it.

I would have really appreciated a sincere apology. For me it would have helped give closure.

Most of it was low-ish level stuff, but excluding me from all friendship groups etc. It was constant though. By sixth form it was settling down a lot and we were beginning to tolerate each other.

I do like to think that we left that bollocks behind in the school yard and mostly turned out to be decent adults.

SuchAToDo · 06/01/2019 02:19

As someone who was bullied all through school, if one of my bullies contacted me asking forgiveness I probably wouldn't believe them, I'd assume it was some kind of trick to humiliate me like when we back at school and all it would do receiving the message is put me on edge and bring back anxiety and memories of all the bullying...I certainly wouldn't feel better to receive the message and wouldn't thank you for it...

If you feel you need forgiveness then you need to work on it with yourself, but don't open a can of worms for this poor person who has probably worked hard to put the bullying memories behind them, they won't thank you and won't want you in their life...I know I would never want to befriend any of my school bullies, even though we are now all adults, there are just some things that you can't forget , so it's best to leave things well alone

FiveShelties · 06/01/2019 02:20

I would be delighted to think that the girl who bullied me was disturbed enough about it to want to apologise.

I would also hope that it would bother her for the next 50 years or so - she was a bitch, probably still is and no apology is ever going to change that.

If you were bullied OP you did not need empathy to know how she would feel, you bloody well knew how she would feel.

Collypop · 06/01/2019 02:26

Okay five that's a bit rough. We have all made mistakes in the past I know in school i wasn't the kindest all the time and as well as that I experienced bullying first hand.

OP I think this sort of thing is a lovely gesture however its done so much now as a way of virture signalling to the other person it would look like you're trying to make yourself feel better instead of them even if you really mean it.

Instead rather then a direct apology is there something you could do for this person or is there anyway your paths could cross?

PomBearWithoutHerOFRS · 06/01/2019 02:29

I sent a FB message to a girl I joined in bullying at school.
I was bullied and knew how awful it was, but I still helped make her life miserable.
Oddly enough, we were sort of friends sometimes too.
Anyway, I found her on Facebook and sent her a message. Nothing too deep, but I apologised, from the heart, and said what I now feel, that I was sorry.
I wasn't expecting a response, and was even prepared for her to tell me exactly what she thought of me, but as it happened she was gracious and accepted my apology.

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