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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be upset by this comment

70 replies

Opinionspls · 05/01/2019 16:14

First time poster
So me and DH been together 21 years.. both mid 30s three dc 17,16,10
We have spoken about not having
Anymore but as I was having bad moods etc with my birth control we both decided I would come off of it but be extra careful and move forward with either him having the snip or me being sterilised ( we spoke about this as a permanent we do t want anymore)

So yesterday I bought the subject up again and it turned into abit of a debate.. me saying I deffo did not want anymore and him saying he doesn’t feel he is ready to make it so definite as still feels young enough to have another etc. I then said well that’s a tricky situation as my mind was made up which after abit of back and forth he replied by saying, if you had your tubes tied and a couple years down the line I wanted a baby what would I do . I replied by saying well unless you had one with someone else then nothing. To which he replied well then I would have to seriously consider that if I wanted another baby !!!!
I was mortified and said I would never say anything like that and would not throw away the family we now have and all those years for the sake of another baby with someone else .. he now has the hump that it gave me the hump in the first place saying it was only an opinion when I say no!! It was a statement

Hope this makes sense sorry for rambling

OP posts:

Santaisfastasleepatlast · 05/01/2019 16:16

Don't get sterilised. Maybe it will be you that decides to have another dc with a more thoughtful man.

Birdsgottafly · 05/01/2019 16:20

Was he a really good hands on Dad?

Did he really enjoy the children when they were small?

He should be able to put his POV and couples do split over the decision whether to have more children.

He could have put it better though.

SillySallySingsSongs · 05/01/2019 16:24

Tbf when the roles are reversed on this women are told that if they want DC/more DC then they will have to leave.

He may have not put it well but he is right.

Original poster

Opinionspls · 05/01/2019 16:27

Yes he was . Now the children are all of a more independent age he goes on about it being great that we can just pop out together or not have night feeds anymore ( family members have small children/ babies ) how he couldn’t do it again, how much we now enjoy family holidays etc ...
I understand his opinion on it may have changed but my question is am I being unfair to have the hump about the comment?

OP posts:

Original poster

Opinionspls · 05/01/2019 16:30

So you think he is right to say that he would leave me and his family for the sake of another dc ?

OP posts:

SillySallySingsSongs · 05/01/2019 16:32

So you think he is right to say that he would leave me and his family for the sake of another dc ?

It is a difficult position of which neither of you are wrong. You don't want more DC, he does.

If he does want more he will have to leave, as sad as that may be.

Bluestitch · 05/01/2019 16:36

So you think he is right to say that he would leave me and his family for the sake of another dc ?

I don't think he's right at all. His priority should be the 3 kids he's already created, not breaking up their family unit for a hypothetical child. I'd say that to a man or a woman and I've seen women on here told the same thing.

Singlenotsingle · 05/01/2019 16:39

What about Sue Radcliffe who seems to pop one out every year? She's up to 21 now. You've got a long way to go OP!

Consolidatedyourloins · 05/01/2019 16:42

He's a twat. Tell him it's his turn, either he gets a vasectomy or stocks up on condoms.

Original poster

Opinionspls · 05/01/2019 16:43

I think I should’ve had one each year if I were to catch up 😂 think I’m a little behind

OP posts:

recently · 05/01/2019 16:46

I'm not surprised you're upset. That's a really hurtful thing to say.

comebacksoonsusan · 05/01/2019 16:47

His comment is a bit off. He might think he wants another child but if you don't and he loves his family and existing children, why would he even consider more? Surely normal people don't think 'Oh I'd like more kids, I'll break up my family and have one with an as yet unknown person?!'. Course they don't and they wouldnt think it or say it. He's either making a shit joke or he doesn't value what he has.

Butchyrestingface · 05/01/2019 16:52

Are all your kids the same sex and he wants one of the opposite sex? Otherwise, how many kids does he need?

Say he does decide he wants more kids, and you agree and pop out a couple more. And then you go through the menopause and can't have any more - what then if he still wants more?

Missingstreetlife · 05/01/2019 16:53

He can freeze sperm you know

Original poster

Opinionspls · 05/01/2019 16:54

No we have 2 of one and one of the other , all happy healthy children..

OP posts:

Original poster

Opinionspls · 05/01/2019 16:55

😂😂 freeze it and give it to who ! I don’t want anymore

OP posts:

BollocksToBrexit · 05/01/2019 17:01

You're the one who raised the idea of him having another baby with someone else. But you're upset at him.

blackteasplease · 05/01/2019 17:03

90% he didn't mean it but felt he was backed into a corner and childishly felt he had to win the argument.

Just make sure you don't get pregnant if you don't want more! Even if that means abstinence.

Original poster

Opinionspls · 05/01/2019 17:03

It was lighthearted !! I wasn’t giving him an option

OP posts:

TheFormidableMrsC · 05/01/2019 17:03

Is he scared of having the snip do you think?

I have a different viewpoint on this. My ex-h insisted he never wanted children and I was perfectly happy with this. I had one DD from a previous relationship and never wanted any more. However, he changed his mind when I was in my early 40's and he was approaching 40. Put me under an enormous amount of pressure in ways I won't go into, used similar language to your DH. I had our DS at 42. He left. It wasn't what he wanted "after all". If you decide to leave the surgical approach for now, at least use good, reliable contraception. I would find his words hard to forgive personally, as if he doesn't value what he currently has with you and your DC's. I hope you can work this out OP

diddl · 05/01/2019 17:03

Was he making a bad "joke"?

When we'd had our two, husband was sure that he didn't want more-with either me or anyone else, so he had the snip.

I couldn't honestly have said at that point that had things ended between us & I'd met someone else I wouldn't have wanted more.

Is that what your OH was trying to say?

Missingstreetlife · 05/01/2019 17:04

Well obviously he's an idiot, but that's keeping his options open.
I hope this never happens to anyone, but I know someone who had completed their family but one child died. After a while they decided to have another. Some people don't want more but they divorce or are widowed and change their mind with a new partner. Shit happens.
A vasectomy is not nothing and there can be complications, but it's a picnic compared to female sterilisation.
I would be upset in your shoes, he seems almost blasé.

Original poster

Opinionspls · 05/01/2019 17:04

Thank you .... yes he is scared which is fine , and why I said I would get sterilised. As I said it is something we both seem to have agreed on for the last few years

OP posts:

ReanimatedSGB · 05/01/2019 17:05

I could accept him not wanting to have the snip - it's his body, after all. But he appears not to want you to have your tubes tied, either.

Do you work, OP? Have you recently been thinking about - and talking about - going back to work now your youngest is 10? (It's quite a lot easier to manage working hours and childcare round a 10-year-old, particularly one with older siblings...)

I wonder if what might be bothering him is the reluctance to allow you a role other than WIfe&Mum - some men want baby after baby because that stops the woman having any kind of career.

Apple103 · 05/01/2019 17:05

I think it seems like the argument got a bit out of control and it was said in the heat of the moment.

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