Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset by this comment

70 replies

Opinionspls · 05/01/2019 16:14

First time poster
So me and DH been together 21 years.. both mid 30s three dc 17,16,10
We have spoken about not having
Anymore but as I was having bad moods etc with my birth control we both decided I would come off of it but be extra careful and move forward with either him having the snip or me being sterilised ( we spoke about this as a permanent we do t want anymore)

So yesterday I bought the subject up again and it turned into abit of a debate.. me saying I deffo did not want anymore and him saying he doesn’t feel he is ready to make it so definite as still feels young enough to have another etc. I then said well that’s a tricky situation as my mind was made up which after abit of back and forth he replied by saying, if you had your tubes tied and a couple years down the line I wanted a baby what would I do . I replied by saying well unless you had one with someone else then nothing. To which he replied well then I would have to seriously consider that if I wanted another baby !!!!
I was mortified and said I would never say anything like that and would not throw away the family we now have and all those years for the sake of another baby with someone else .. he now has the hump that it gave me the hump in the first place saying it was only an opinion when I say no!! It was a statement

Hope this makes sense sorry for rambling

OP posts:
Original poster
Opinionspls · 05/01/2019 19:39

Why do people not understand I AM NOT FORCING HIM TO HAVE ANY PROCEDURE, it’s me that wants to be sterilised

OP posts:
Allfednonedead · 05/01/2019 19:43

Slightly off-topic, but are you rejecting the non-hormonal IUD? It’s slightly more effective than a tubal ligation, I believe, a less traumatic procedure AND reversible.
A friend of mine who was planning to get her tubes tied did the research and realised the IUD made much more sense.
Obviously it doesn’t work for everyone, but I’ve found it brilliant.

Allfednonedead · 05/01/2019 19:43

Ps your DH is BU.

cuppycakey · 05/01/2019 19:47

I can understand why you are upset.

However, I have to say in my mid thirties I might have said something similar, and I would have meant it. No way would I stay with my DP/DH if it meant not having another child if that is what I really wanted.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but yes, the truth is, having children was more important to me than any one particular partner Blush

Original poster
Opinionspls · 05/01/2019 19:47

I haven’t had that ... in fact it’s the only thing I havnt had ! I just gave up trying anything else , it’s a possibility... especially as no hormones. Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Opinionspls · 05/01/2019 19:53

Really ! I mean I could understand if you never had any children .. but to already have 3 and throw away 21 years ??

OP posts:
cuppycakey · 05/01/2019 19:56

I don't think I would see it as throwing it away. I would think it had been nice whilst it lasted/all relationships come to an end one way or another etc.

For me, the desire for a child is so overwhelming ( I do have DC) that it would override any other need.

Drogosnextwife · 05/01/2019 20:01

So lets get this straight. You have hiven birtj 2 times and carroed 3 kids, you have to get your tubes tied and then if he decides he wants another baby, you have to go back to the hospital have your surgery reversed, carry another child and give birth and then possible go in to have your tubes tied again? And if you don't fancy all of that them he will just go knock someone else up, just like that and start a new family. He sounds amazing!

cuppycakey · 05/01/2019 20:05

I wouldn't be sterilised if I were you OP, but it's your body/your choice.

Grannyannex · 05/01/2019 20:10

He’s thinking about having kids with his second wife

Rudgie47 · 05/01/2019 20:19

Well no woman is going to want a baby with this bell end whos already got 3 kids is she?
I'd have laughed in his face.
What it is, is that he doesn't want to have the snip. I wouldn't get sterilized either, just tell him to wank.

AcrossthePond55 · 05/01/2019 20:33

I had my tubes tied as DH didn't want a vasectomy (irrational fears but not worth fighting over). For us, it was totally a mutual decision, neither of us wanted more children. Well, we did but doctors advised us against it as I had two pre-term births, both for unknown reasons.

Your body, your choice. But I can tell you this, I wouldn't allow my body to be held hostage to what my partner 'might want some day' when I knew what was right for me today.

Marriedwithchildren5 · 05/01/2019 20:49

You are having your tubes tied because he wont have the snip, on the off chance you may split if he wants to start another family?? Good luck with your dh. Sounds like he's having a case of the grass is greener!

Original poster
Opinionspls · 05/01/2019 20:50

@Drogosnextwife

I have actually had 3 children all by c-section and had 1 miscarriage going on to conceive one of my dc ... I don’t want another so am willing to get sterilised so we do t have any “accidents” this was discussed . Now he is saying it feels to definite and if I did get it done and he wanted one in say a couple of years he would go elsewhere!!

OP posts:
Rudgie47 · 05/01/2019 21:15

Tell him to go now, never mind wait. What a tosser.

IlonaRN · 05/01/2019 21:34

Try the copper coil.
Sterilisation can bring forward menopause.

Rachelle3211 · 06/01/2019 14:49

It sounds like you were cornering him and you said it first and he agreed. I doubt he was serious (were you being serious when you suggested it?) and chances are in a couple of years he won't want anymore. He just isn't ready to say no more right now.

AcrossthePond55 · 06/01/2019 15:19

Now he is saying it feels to definite and if I did get it done and he wanted one in say a couple of years he would go elsewhere!!

You really, really need to think about this statement. It's not just angry words. You need to fully understand that this statement is a prime example of coercive control. He is threatening you to get his way. This statement uses fear in order to control you, to control what you do with your own body.

I have a feeling if you sit and think carefully, this probably isn't the only time he's done this.

Claudia1980 · 06/01/2019 23:11

Make him get the snip. My blood boils when I hear the pathetic excuses guys trot out. I’m scared, it will be painful etc etc. you’ve had three pregnancies and three labours!!! Snip or no sex, his choice.

SillySallySingsSongs · 06/01/2019 23:42

Make him get the snip

OP has no right to make him do anything. His body, his choice.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page