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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be upset by this comment

70 replies

Opinionspls · 05/01/2019 16:14

First time poster
So me and DH been together 21 years.. both mid 30s three dc 17,16,10
We have spoken about not having
Anymore but as I was having bad moods etc with my birth control we both decided I would come off of it but be extra careful and move forward with either him having the snip or me being sterilised ( we spoke about this as a permanent we do t want anymore)

So yesterday I bought the subject up again and it turned into abit of a debate.. me saying I deffo did not want anymore and him saying he doesn’t feel he is ready to make it so definite as still feels young enough to have another etc. I then said well that’s a tricky situation as my mind was made up which after abit of back and forth he replied by saying, if you had your tubes tied and a couple years down the line I wanted a baby what would I do . I replied by saying well unless you had one with someone else then nothing. To which he replied well then I would have to seriously consider that if I wanted another baby !!!!
I was mortified and said I would never say anything like that and would not throw away the family we now have and all those years for the sake of another baby with someone else .. he now has the hump that it gave me the hump in the first place saying it was only an opinion when I say no!! It was a statement

Hope this makes sense sorry for rambling

OP posts:

MadCattery · 05/01/2019 17:05

My ex husband, years ago, was kinder, although meaning the same. He said if something happened to me, he was certain he would have no more. He said if something happened to him, he was certain I would want more, so he had the vasectomy.

Simply put, your husband is not ready to give up his fertility forever, and you are. Base your decision on that fact.

Soubriquet · 05/01/2019 17:08

I think it’s easy to say we don’t want any more children and then panic when it comes to a permanent way of making sure there are no more children

His comment is unacceptable though

Original poster

Opinionspls · 05/01/2019 17:12

Yes I work , I started working when youngest went to school , not the best paid but works around youngest

OP posts:

Clionba · 05/01/2019 17:14

You're only mid thirties. You've been together 21 years, so were obviously children. Your eldest is 17, so you had that child when young.
You're a bit young for sterilisation, but as you started so young, it makes sense!

Original poster

Opinionspls · 05/01/2019 17:16

Yes I can understand that maybe I am being a little nieve in the sense that it is permanent permanent no going back and yes it may be abit of a reality slap for him that has made him change his mind , but to say that ?? I just thought it was abit much really

OP posts:

Clionba · 05/01/2019 17:16

I meant to add, because you're young, it feels a bit final?

Original poster

Opinionspls · 05/01/2019 17:17

Exactly I was ( we were ) very young and now I feel it could be our time ... maybe he doesn’t want to be alone with me

OP posts:

Original poster

Opinionspls · 05/01/2019 17:19

Although constantly talks about our own holidays and waiting for grandchildren instead ...

OP posts:

Consolidatedyourloins · 05/01/2019 17:22

I wouldn't becoming infertile for him, especially after what he said.

OutPinked · 05/01/2019 17:22

I wouldn’t personally want to start again once my eldest was an adult. I always find it rather odd when people do tbh, an 18 (or more) year age gap is pretty steep...

I don’t blame you finding his comments hurtful, I would too. He is essentially saying if you get sterilised and he is set on another child he will leave you and have said child with someone else. How would he feel had you said the same?

You can’t force him to have the snip so only get sterilised if you are absolutely certain it’s what you want. It’s a lot more final for a woman than it is a man. Perhaps consider another contraceptive? Or condoms?

Amanduh · 05/01/2019 17:22

As a pp said, when women post on here theyre mostly told they should leave dh/dp if they desperately want another child. You pushed to ask him about years down the line, he gave his honest thoughts. He is entitled to want more, you are entitled to not.

AcrossthePond55 · 05/01/2019 17:23

Ok, so it was all said in the heat of an argument. I think both of you need to take a step back and calm down. But I think it's massively manipulative for anyone to threatened the other to get their way regarding the number of children, whether it's 'get a vasectomy or no more sex' or 'get your tubes tied and I'll find a new baby maker'.

Although what he said was factually correct it was wrong to use it as a threat. If you get your tubes tied and he decides he wants more children, then he would have to leave and find someone else. Although I do know of one couple where the wife's tubal ligation was successfully reversed. Bloody expensive it was, though.

I think the 'rule' is that the one who does NOT want another child 'wins' in this situation. It is more wrong to bring a child into the world that one person doesn't want than it is to 'deny' a person a child that they do. Especially if the 'not wanter' is the one who would have to carry, bear, and then be primary parent for that child.

NewYorkDoll3 · 05/01/2019 17:33

@Opinionspls

As it's YOU who wants no more, then I think it should be you being sterilised.

It was a cruel thing he said though. (That if he wants more he may have to use another woman!) FGS is he one of these men who likes to keep his woman barefoot and pregnant?!

You are still rather young and probably still quite attractive with a number of good years ahead of you (of being attractive.) Is he worried you may wander off if another man fancies you? Is that why he wants you to be pregnant again... ?

As you started having kids when you were just a teen, I can understand you not wanting more now you have a bit more of your freedom, but I do wonder why does it have to be HIM being sterilised (when it's you who doesn't want anymore?)

Why does he have to be sterilised, but not you?

ladycarlotta · 05/01/2019 17:35

*I think it’s easy to say we don’t want any more children and then panic when it comes to a permanent way of making sure there are no more children

His comment is unacceptable though*

completely agree with this. Given that he's talking about how great it is not to have the responsibility of a baby, and specifically about how that frees you up to spend time together as a couple, I think he's probably quite happy to have no more babies and stay in the relationship. He doesn't actually want to go through all that again, it's just now that it's got to crunch time and he has to make an actual decision, he's got FOMO.
It was a stupid thing of him to say, but I'm willing to be charitable.

Original poster

Opinionspls · 05/01/2019 17:43

I never once said the I wanted him to have the procedure! We spoke about both options and he was worried about having it done ( MENS parts and all that ) so I said I would willingly be the one to go and have it done myself !
Also I did not push to ask anything , he said what do I do if I want a child later on and I ( lightheartedly) said well nothing unless you had one with someone else

OP posts:

NewYorkDoll3 · 05/01/2019 17:49

@Opinionspls

Sorry, I misread the OP a bit.

Thought you wanted him to have the snip. Apologies.

Original poster

Opinionspls · 05/01/2019 17:52

No problem

OP posts:

Branleuse · 05/01/2019 18:11

I think ANYONE has the right to say they want to leave for whatever reason, and if he truly thinks there is a chance that he might want more later, then he would be stupid to get a vasectomy, and youd need to decide whether youd be ok with potentially going it alone later.
Him saying that is hardly going to fill anyone with confidence, and it doesnt impress me much, but if thats how he really feels, then is it maybe worth continuing with reversible contraception such as a coil?
A copper coil wouldnt have any effects on your mood. I got on very well with mine

Original poster

Opinionspls · 05/01/2019 18:32

@Branleuse
he isn’t getting a vasectomy!!! I would not complain because he doesn’t want one at all , it’s he’s body not mine.
But I do have my own body and any method out there I’ve tried and failed with , which is why I wanted to get sterilised! I didn’t want any of the faff or side affects and know I don’t want another baby . I couldn’t bare the thought of becoming pregnant with a child I don’t want and have to make a decision to either have a baby I didn’t want or have to make decisions on abortion! I wouldn’t want to be put in that position at all.

I just think it’s the sensible thing to do and didn’t appreciate the comment made

OP posts:

NeonPink · 05/01/2019 18:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NeonPink · 05/01/2019 18:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Opinionspls · 05/01/2019 18:51

😂😂😂😂😂😂

OP posts:

NeonPink · 05/01/2019 18:54

I've reported my post, hopefully it should be removed.

TheBigBangRocks · 05/01/2019 19:17

When a woman wants more children and her DH doesn't, MN is usually full of posts saying to leave and have what she desires. Any hurt to existing children or the DH seems irrelevant.

When it's a woman posting, it's strange how the replies are different.

Regardless of sex, nobody should be talked into a procedure they don't want not should they have more children they don't want. If they leave to pursue their own wants of another child then their partner deserves better anyway as would any existing children.

Branleuse · 05/01/2019 19:30

I wouldn't appreciate the comment either, but he's laid his cards on the table that there's a possibility that he would upfoot and leave you if he decided he wanted another baby.

What you do with that information is up to you. I'd feel very unsettled by it

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