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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask if you would have done anything differenty BEFORE having children?

57 replies

Cakeandbake229 · 05/01/2019 16:01

Came up in conversation with a close friend over coffee today!

I do not have dc but friend with dc wished that she would have fixed the relationship with her family before getting pregnant and also started a savings pot earlier!

OP posts:
missperegrinespeculiar · 05/01/2019 16:27

yes, I would have tried to be more financially secure, I have always been a professional and relatively well paid, but before kids we had lots of fun and not much saving! now we are fine, but I would just like to be able to leave the kids very financially secure, to give them more options and freedom, and not have to worry about redundancies etc. (might happen to me in 2019 unfortunately)

namechangedtoday15 · 05/01/2019 16:38

We had saved so that was ok but Number 1 turned out to be Numbers 1&2 so life was a bit frantic.

Cheesy as it sounds, you need to (1) have discussed what will happen in the baby days in some depth - who will take paternity / maternity leave, whether H will help in the night if hes working and you're on mat leave (or vice versa), how you'll deal with finances if they're not already shared, how you will deal with childcare / both working etc - means you're both on the same page before you get pregnant, and (2) have some "couple memories" to get you through the tiredness / tough times. We spent many a night (in the early hours both trying to soothe a twin) talking about places we'd been, meals we'd had, things we'd done. You wont get 'couple' time off a while and you need to remember (or at least we did) that we were a couple before we were parents. Those memories served us well for a couple of baby/toddler years. Grin

SmallAndFarAway · 05/01/2019 16:43

Make sure your partner does half of everything, rather than 'help you' with the housework. What is manageable before scraping by on four hours broken sleep and laundry piling up everywhere will create a lot of resentment otherwise. Have children with the right man, essentially...

Redgreencoverplant · 05/01/2019 16:43

Moved closer to family. Turns out that surviving PND, colic and reflux with zero support network is really fucking tough. We did survive but we won't have any more children unless we move closer to family.

Original poster
Cakeandbake229 · 05/01/2019 22:37

I hope to start a family in a couple of years so there tips are brilliant! Hindsight (from others) is indeed a wonderful thing

OP posts:
Cokezeroisyummy · 05/01/2019 22:42

We were quite sensible before we had our baby, bought a house, had stable jobs, got married. Now I wish we'd had a bit more fun while we had the time and the money and just enjoyed being married! Wouldn't swap baby for anything but it's a hard road. I miss spontaneity, and doing things just thinking about myself

pineapplebryanbrown · 05/01/2019 22:44

I wish i had taken the time to develop my career. I very seriously wish I'd waited for Mr Right!

Absofrigginlootly · 05/01/2019 22:50

I would have travelled more!!! DH and I travelled quite a bit, but more on holidays over the years... I wish we’d taken out his student loan and used the money to travel properly for months on end during the long uni summer hols! Like a PP said above, the memories keep you going! That’s probably the only thing I’d change.... actually that and spending my spare time more wisely, like learning to sew and knit, learn a language, go to painting classes!! All the things I didn’t feel like I had the time for but now with 2 DC I can’t believe I thought that, I had so much free time!!!!!! When both DC in school in a few years I’m going to grab the opportunity with both hands!

CheekyNandosForMe · 05/01/2019 22:51

I wish I'd grabbed contraception?

Absofrigginlootly · 05/01/2019 22:52

Oh and just RELISH the ease of just walking out the door, getting into a car and driving off, it takes me bloody AGES to leave the house, always rushing trying to remember everything, answer the millionth “why?” Question from my 4 year old and feel like I’m herding cats every time I want to leave the house 😭

PoesyCherish · 05/01/2019 22:53

Following with interest as we'd love to start a family in the next few years (basically once I figure out what's happening with university)

Thingsthatgo · 05/01/2019 22:54

If I could go back I would sleep. A lot. Maybe a year or two!

FelixTitling · 05/01/2019 22:57

I seriously wish I had borrowed a colicky baby, whiney toddler and then a stroppy teenager for at least a month each. Might have had more of an idea about what we were in for then.

Also I'd have got my career totally boxed off. I wasted a decade 'trying out' different jobs and so was quite far down the ladder when I had kids. Frantically trying to make up for lost time now at nearly 50!

Clevs · 05/01/2019 23:00

I wish we'd had a babymoon - our last holiday/trip away as a couple.

Prepared myself better for the constant questioning from older relatives on my parenting style. Just because things are done differently now or advice is different to 40 years ago it doesn't mean it's wrong or any less good for babies.

I did a lot of batch cooking before my baby arrived but wish I'd done a hundred times more. Honestly, the first few weeks were so difficult to eat well and my husband hates cooking so it would have been nice for my homemade tasty meals to last a bit longer.

I had a birth plan but wish I'd researched more into alternatives in case it didn't go to plan. Because it didn't. And I found myself consenting to an epidural when I didn't want one because I was in no fit state to discuss it at the time and hadn't researched it enough beforehand to know what it involved. Also should have listened to people more when they said that birth plans rarely go to plan. I had an idea in my head what I wanted and was a bit naive to think that that's what would happen.

YerAuntFanny · 05/01/2019 23:02

I would've been more responsible with keeping tabs on contraception expiry date.

2 DC's later and it's pretty evident I am not cut out for this parenting business Blush

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 05/01/2019 23:05

I should have asked my friends with children for the truth about what the hardest parts were about being a parent. I only really spoke to them in depth about it afterwards.

Looked into nurseries earlier, I realised with a newborn that round us nurseries were pretty much full and had to spend the first couple of months looking into it when i had better things to do!

Gone on more city breaks. I think you can do lots of holidays with young kids but city breaks are tricky and I know they won't enjoy anything about them for years

Bought everything second hand. I do now but at first when you're expecting a shiny new baby you want shiny new things. It's only afterwards you realise you are selling something you bought for £50 and used for a week for a tenner and you could have bought it for a tenner and saved the rest

I'd have researched good catchment areas as we moved just before I got pregnant. Into a school with a 'good' ofsted rating which I thought meant it was actually good. It doesn't. Good is the minimum standard and there is massive variation between the top and bottom end of good and now we either have to move again or find another solution.

I wish I'd appreciated my body more as although it's not awful it will never be the same again. I should have taken some photos or something.

Also this is a bit random but I wish I'd noted down names I liked over the years (you know when you hear one and think oooh lovely name then forget it). My mind seemed to go blank in pregnany and I have quite big regrets over one child's name

I should have also volunteered for a lot more travelling with work as it's much trickier now

linziepie · 05/01/2019 23:05

travel, holidays, visit everywhere you always say you will but never do.

Phuquocdreams · 05/01/2019 23:07

I would have had more wild and wanton sex. Seems like such a distant memory now...

nutbrownhare15 · 05/01/2019 23:08

These tips are good. The ones on travel, staying on same page with partner re house and child work and career are important. I mostly did these but find myself wondering sometimes if I should have had kids sooner! I have a tendency to leave things late and wonder if I'd have had an easier time of labour and the first year if I'd been a little younger. Plus although it's really hard it can also be wonderful so did I miss out a little by having children a bit later in life. I think overall I'm happy with the choices I made, as your conversation shows there will always be what ifs in life.

Flobalob · 05/01/2019 23:08

Would've got them to be a bit more physical at a younger age. Ie football and bike riding at 2 rather than 3-4. I was a bit over protective because they were late walkers and both had physical difficulties.

EdHelpPls · 05/01/2019 23:12

dd1 was a surprise when I was 17 but i thought I would have had a career, a home and a husband before having kids. Luckily I had savings which I’d highly recommend!

Flobalob · 05/01/2019 23:14

Yeah, buying second hand more. I wasted so much money!

AnotherEmma · 05/01/2019 23:24

We had already done a lot before having our son. We'd been together for years and we'd had some great holidays and trips. We had a house and savings so we were in a sensible position. But I wish we had done all the work in the house/garden that we just talked about doing and never got around to! And I wish we had done a massive, brutal declutter and improved storage. Because I have NOT enjoyed spending lots of time at home with baby/toddler in a cluttered house and unwelcoming garden, without the time or energy to sort it out.

There are other things, I think that part of the enjoyment of life before children is being able to take things for granted, blissful ignorance of what is to come (!) and you don't really appreciate it fully until it's gone.

I would always advise people planning children to first have a frank conversation with their partner about marriage (if not already married) and their intentions/hopes regarding parental leave, returning to work (or not), the division of labour (childcare and housework) and anything they feel strongly about regarding education, religion etc. Plus seriously consider where you live, proximity to family and whether family is likely to be a source of support or stress.

Mummysharkdodododo · 06/01/2019 02:32

There isn't much I'd have done differently really. We saved hard for quite a few years for our wedding and a house deposit then bought a house, had our first child, got married and got pregnant again in a 12 month period. We'd been together years and years but decided to do everything at once.

Because we saved so hard to do all that we didn't have a holiday abroad for 5 years and lived very frugally. We should have been travelling together and making the most of the time but instead we were constantly saving. It's worked out great in the long run in terms of our financial position but I think we missed out!

Make sure you have all the sex, we used to so I wouldn't do it differently Grin but I'd tell anyone pre-kids to enjoy it. We now have to wait for 2 toddlers to sleep at the same time and well it isn't a common occurrence when we are actually awake! I still co-sleep with the youngest and the eldest often joins us too so it isn't easy!!

PomBearWithoutHerOFRS · 06/01/2019 02:38

Hell yes! Had a life, gone to university at 18, had a career, made the most of my brains, seen the world, not got involved with a selfish abusive controlling twat, made something of myself!
Just had a life!