Trapped with husband because of kids

[Grubsmummy]

I know many, many people with children seperate but im absolutely terrified of either losing my children or not being the primary carer for them, so I stay with my husband very unhappily and plan to seperate when children are older.

Any others in the same situation? Been with hubby 16 years, we have an 8 year old and a 5 year old. We used to both work full time then I got made redundant when pregnant so decided to become a sahm and live off redundancy money for a while. Husband then climbed the career ladder and has never had to lift a finger to look after the kids so has now got used to that way of life and doesn't want me to work. I don't mind this. I love being with my children. But it's made me financially dependent on him. He makes digs about it to me all the time even through he doesn't actually want me to work!!

Ive wanted to split up for a very long time. I don't think he loves me anymore, I don't love him. He stays with me out of convenience as we have a nice life and his kids are looked after. We don't have sex, we have seperate rooms.

If we split i know from past experience he would be horrible. He would make life hell for me and not put the kids first. I almost wish he'd cheat on me and leave me then I wouldn't have to make the decision.

My fear mostly stems from the fact that my mother lost custody of my sister in the 1970s to her ex husband. My sister was only 6 and only saw my mum a couple of hour's on a Saturday from then on. This happened because she was a sahm and he argued he could provide for the child and she couldn't. Same situation as us.

My thinking is that once the kids are teenager's I won't feel so desperate about the whole thing as they will be more independent from me at that time and I won't miss the lovely things whilst they are young such as holidays, Xmas morning etc whilst sharing custody. I don't know how people cope with this. It would break me.

Should I put up with another 5 years of unhappiness on my part to keep my kids in a stable nice home, or make the break now with all the risks?

If you are in the UK courts don't work that way anymore. Firstly you are suppose to attempt to sort out child arrangements yourselves without involving them focusing on the best interests of the children. The best interests of the children involve insuring they have contact to maintain a relationship with both parents.

However it is in your own interest to:

1. Start squirreling money away into your own separate bank account as a leaving fund, and,
2. Get back to work.

This may take 5 years but the advantage of that is your oldest kid will be old enough to have an input into contact arrangements. The divorce process could then take 2 years meaning your youngest is 12 so can also input .

Use the fact your husband is a high earner to employ a cleaner and child care now.

You think the kids don’t know how unhappy you are? Better to be poorer than unhappy

If he doesn’t lift a finger now he’s not going to is he? He’d have to pay childcare and cook and clean for them every night etc

Look for a job

Get everything together

Start to plan

I would seek legal advice. It seems very unlikely that the court wouldn't grant you primary custody of the children given that you currently provide the majority of the childcare and your husband doesn't sound like he has the time or inclination to take on that role. Could you suggest mediation to your husband? From your description the marriage isn't salvageable but it might provide a way of you both stepping out of the marriage without inciting him to too much resentment.

I'm so sorry, what a difficult situation. Nobody can tell you what to do but is there any way at all he could be persuaded into mediation or Relate? A safe place to tell him how you feel and the effect it's having on you and the children. If you do stay he needs some sort of behaviour contract to stop him abusing you. He doesn't really deserve an opportunity like that, but if you want to stay in the marriage for the children's wellbeing (which I totally understand) he needs to change or it will be more detrimental to them, which they might hold you accountable for as they get older as you stayed in the relationship ☹️. It's utterly unjust and I really do feel for you, but from bitter experience I have come to realise the extent to which society sanctions Mother blame. Think carefully and perhaps get a free half hour of legal advice.

Go and find a job, the sooner the better if you've already got a big gap on your cv.

That way you have options. Think of the example you are setting the children, they tend to copy the adult relationship they grew up in.

If you’re planning on sticking at it for a while anyway then the first thing you should do is get a job and open the door to your own independence

Thanks for your replies. With regards to getting a job he has basically said that he will not help out with childcare at all if i do, he will not have any time off work to look after the kids during holidays and illness. This means there's no way I could cover it all and couldn't afford childcare because I'd probably only be earning minimum wage. So he's trapped me basically.

Financially our house is 80% mine and I know my dad would buy my husband out, so in that respect I'm lucky to have that sexurty3. But due to that he will be very resentful because basically I'm getting everything and he's not

*lucky to have that security

So how will he manage full time?

How will he manage every other weekend?

Start divorcing him.

Financially our house is 80% mine and I know my dad would buy my husband out, so in that respect I'm lucky to have that sexurty3. But due to that he will be very resentful because basically I'm getting everything and he's not

Well, that's just tough shit for him, isn't it? I'd make the move while this balance is in your favour.

The chidren are at school so childcare isn't going to be that much. Presumably you have access to his salary given you don't have any money of your own so that can help towards childcare if need be.

You're only trapped by you, not him.

Yes I think you are missing that if he went for custody then he wouldn’t be able to work or he would have to pay an arm and a leg to childcare. What on Earth makes you think he would want custody when he doesn’t want to look after them now?!
So if you got a weekend job he wouldn’t look after them? He is never alone with the kids? No court would ever grant him 100%.
You need to look for a job that it is in school time at the bare minimum, don’t even tell him you are looking. Both your children are school aged, look into after school clubs and breakfast club so that you can get to work a couple of days a week. Save that money. Yes it might take a long time but I’d rather be plotting my escape than sitting back and let someone try to control me like that.

Does it work that way with the house if you're married?

If he won't let you get a job because he doesn't want to do any childcare, then how realistic is it that he will seek 50/50 custody?

I know that many people will say " leave him", but I'll put in my comment anyway. I was in that position , only my kids were younger and he did sleep with another woman ( several actually ). I also couldn't bear to lose my children so I stayed. I was with him until the children were in their late teens. Leaving him was the best thing I ever did, BUT I'm glad I didn't do it earlier. My kids had a great life with us all together and I know it didn't do them any harm. I talk to them now and they say they are grateful that we were together for those years.

Once I knew that I was going to leave him eventually, in my own time, I felt incredibly free. His crappiness just didn't affect me any more. I was quite able to live in the same house, do family things, we even bought an investment property during that time and renovated our home. It's funny how you can do things with him, even though you despise him .....it was sort of like living with my brother.

Obviously you have to make up your own mind, but don't feel that you must leave now. It's entirely possible to live like I did and have no regrets.

If he keeps threatening to fight for the children call his bluff. I would be very surprised if he means it if he doesn’t do a thing for them now.

If he is extremely awkward however (my exh was) and he is the type to spite you eg give up work or something you might need to tread more carefully.

Get legal advice before you do anything. I wonder if you would be in a worse position re being the main carer if you go back to work so check that out.

The courts don't work like that any more. You can legitimately argue that working part time means that you are more available to the kids than he is. Tax credits would help with the childcare bill. Courts prefer to try and maintain the status quo for kids. He could try to spite you and go for 50/50 but he'd need childcare for some of those days. He'd get every other weekend tops so can't say that he'll do Friday/Saturday/Sunday so he only pays for one day of childcare.

We have something in place with the solicitor that keeps the house percentages seperate. We were married when we bought it.
With regards to access to his wage, he gives me £200 housekeeoing per month for my fuel, phone bill and all the food!

Kick him out !!!! If the house is 80% yours what’s the issue. Split now life is too short. He sounds like a pig.

I'm a single parent and I earn £8.50 an hour. Tax credits will pay 85% of your childcare bill. That's how single parents manage on minimum wage.

I left when I was a SAHM and I went on benefits. It's not the 1970s any more, courts don't just give custody to the parent who works. There are loads of single mums who don't work!

As for coping with shared custody, it's just something you have to cope with. I use the time when DS is with his dad to do "me" things even if it's just going out for a coffee.

I would never ever have considered staying in an unhappy marriage "because of the children." Life's too short for that.

In saying that though my relationship with my exh is amicable so I appreciate I don't know what it would be like to have an awkward ex.

If you aren’t ready to end the marriage then I would give serious thought to going back to work - do you need to update/gain IT skills etc

I never thought I would be ok with shared Christmas etc but you get used to it very quickly. As others have said be logical a man who is unprepared to do any childcare domestic stuff won’t be wanting his DC full time and in any case wouldn’t be given it.

If you effectively have your own house then you wouldn’t need a vast salary to get started on your life without him and he really doesn’t sound very nice why wait ?

Start building your future life now at the very least.

Look at local colleges and skills centres, do short courses and top up your cv with a few hours volunteering.

OP, I do feel for you. Your husband sounds like a brute, telling you he would not help out if you went back to work. That is dreadful. Also he doesn't give you very much money. He is controlling you.

Could you do a course somewhere locally, in term time, to enhance your skills, which would help you get back into the work force & earn more than minimum wage? I've known people who have done that and never looked back. There are also online courses.

Honestly, if you separated, I do not think you would lose the children. What happened with your mum and your sister was awful but it would not be the same for you.

Please make some plans and take professional advice.

Good luck .

Oh op this sounds dreadful.He gives you 200 a month, so controlling. I don't have any advice to offer but do get legal advice.

I left my ex when my babies were small. Left penniless and emotionally battered. Best thing I ever did. Don’t wait. You can do it. xx

How do you manage to run a household on £200/month?! That would probably only just cover our food, if that.
You need to find a job to get some financial independence. School hours or evenings or weekends. What would the childcare plan be if you were a single parent?
Good news about the house share.