Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Trapped with husband because of kids

59 replies

Grubsmummy · 05/01/2019 11:49

I know many, many people with children seperate but im absolutely terrified of either losing my children or not being the primary carer for them, so I stay with my husband very unhappily and plan to seperate when children are older.

Any others in the same situation? Been with hubby 16 years, we have an 8 year old and a 5 year old. We used to both work full time then I got made redundant when pregnant so decided to become a sahm and live off redundancy money for a while. Husband then climbed the career ladder and has never had to lift a finger to look after the kids so has now got used to that way of life and doesn't want me to work. I don't mind this. I love being with my children. But it's made me financially dependent on him. He makes digs about it to me all the time even through he doesn't actually want me to work!!

Ive wanted to split up for a very long time. I don't think he loves me anymore, I don't love him. He stays with me out of convenience as we have a nice life and his kids are looked after. We don't have sex, we have seperate rooms.

If we split i know from past experience he would be horrible. He would make life hell for me and not put the kids first. I almost wish he'd cheat on me and leave me then I wouldn't have to make the decision.

My fear mostly stems from the fact that my mother lost custody of my sister in the 1970s to her ex husband. My sister was only 6 and only saw my mum a couple of hour's on a Saturday from then on. This happened because she was a sahm and he argued he could provide for the child and she couldn't. Same situation as us.

My thinking is that once the kids are teenager's I won't feel so desperate about the whole thing as they will be more independent from me at that time and I won't miss the lovely things whilst they are young such as holidays, Xmas morning etc whilst sharing custody. I don't know how people cope with this. It would break me.

Should I put up with another 5 years of unhappiness on my part to keep my kids in a stable nice home, or make the break now with all the risks?

OP posts:
Handsoffmysweets · 05/01/2019 14:31

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request

Original poster
Grubsmummy · 05/01/2019 15:51

Yes i get the £200 plus child benefit of £134. That probably covers half of what I need to my mum secretly gives me money every month too which he knows nothing about.

I suffer from depression and anxiety , mostly because of him, so I'm scared to even think about going back to work.

OP posts:
Original poster
Grubsmummy · 05/01/2019 15:53

I have no idea what the childcare would be if I was single, family don't help, friends don't help. How could I cover all the school holidays?

OP posts:
Yulebealrite · 05/01/2019 15:56

I don't think you would be any worse off if you split tbh.

Hanuman · 05/01/2019 16:13

You would use holiday clubs or a childminder for school holidays. You would get a lot of the costs paid if your income was low.

Waddsup12 · 05/01/2019 16:21

Benefits calculator

Do some sums. Your OH isn't even keeping you, so you might as well explore your options.

Quietrebel · 05/01/2019 16:30

So sorry OP, it is very unfair that he's trapped you in that way. I'm not legally trained but it sounds like financial coercion which is now an offense. Found this, which might help give you some insight:

www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/controlling-or-coercive-behaviour-intimate-or-family-relationship

ISdads · 05/01/2019 16:35

Look into benefits as a single parent - I think you would be better off

Speak to solicitor about assets in divorce - your house will not be divided 80:20 unless it is in your dads name? Married = joint assets regardless of name on the documents

Speak to family

If you were getting a decent amount of money it might be worth staying, but seriously, why bother? He sounds pointless.

mikado1 · 05/01/2019 17:13

As has often been pointed out on mn, and it's such a valid point, your mental health is maybe preventing you leaving, but is caused by the situation and will more than likely improve once you're out of it.

GreenTulips · 05/01/2019 17:16

Friend is married - house paid off in her husbands name
He left her with 3 kids
He is now selling the house from under her and she can’t do a thing about it

ISdads · 05/01/2019 17:19

I thought you could put a charge on it? Why isnt she doing that?

GreenTulips · 05/01/2019 17:27

It gets more complicated - she has the best advise

Just showing being married doesn’t cover everything

Myoldfriend · 05/01/2019 17:30

ISdads what does putting a charge on it mean?

Travisandthemonkey · 05/01/2019 17:31

Would you like us to give you permission to leave?
Because he’s not going to go for 50/50
And even if he did it’s unlikely he will get it

Can email and say you want to work and then get his reply about never helping with childcare etc in writing.

Anyway. You’re not trapped physically, you’re trapped psychologically- you need to work on that first

Jamiefraserskilt · 05/01/2019 17:33

You running the house and kids has enabled him to progress in his career.
What the fuck does he spend his money on if he only pays you £200 per month? His 20% of the mortgage and bills?

He is abusive and has left you feeling worthless. Time for that to change. Refusing to look after HIS children is disgusting.

Try looking at school jobs to fit around the kids. Perhaps a dinner lady,/support assistant role to get you back into the world of work. Once you start to realise he is not your Lord and master, little wins will help you grow again.

Try and speak to a legal counsellor 're your situation to arm yourself.

Sending you the strength to take action to find Grubsmummy again.

HeebieJeebies456 · 05/01/2019 17:34

But due to that he will be very resentful because basically I'm getting everything and he's not
Why do you care about him feeling resentful?
He doesn't care about YOUR feelings or that you resent being forced into this position.

Personally, i'd separate from him now whilst you don't have childcare costs and your home security is guaranteed.
You WILL get by on benefits and maintenance.
Then take your time finding a suitable job which works around the dc and court ordered contact arrangements.

ISdads · 05/01/2019 17:35

www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en/articles/dividing-the-family-home-and-mortgage-during-divorce-or-dissolution#securing-the-rights-to-your-home

This is where I got my.info from about house/charge. I thought it was always possible,not sure why another poster was not recommended to do it

Original poster
Grubsmummy · 05/01/2019 17:38

We have this:
7th July 2017
A Declaration of Trust, also known as a Deed of Trust, is a legally-binding document that records the financial arrangements between joint owners of a property, and/or anyone else who a financial interest in the property

I thought this would cover everything as that's what solicitor advised but now I'm not so sure

OP posts:
Myoldfriend · 05/01/2019 17:41

IS that suggests four different options.

ISdads · 05/01/2019 17:49

Sorry link is ridiculously long, it says ...

If your property is registered at the Land Registry, you can protect your position by using a ‘matrimonial home rights notice’ or ‘home rights notice’.

The first step is to check if the property is registered with the Land Registry for England and Wales.

If you want to register a home rights notice, you should do this as quickly as possible.

It’s free of charge and you only have to fill in a form called HR1, which is available on the GOV.UK website.

If your property is not registered with the Land Registry, you can protect your position by applying for a ‘class F land charge’ at the Land Registry, which costs £1.

If the property is not the family home, you might be able to register a ‘restriction’ at the Land Registry.

Once you have registered your interest, your ex-partner cannot sell the property or apply for a larger mortgage without you being told about it.

Also outlines position in Scotland/NI

ISdads · 05/01/2019 17:50

Did solicitor say it meant if you divorced, the house would go to you?

Pernickity1 · 05/01/2019 17:51

I was actually going to post something like this today but changed my mind as I figured everyone would just say “leave now” but I don’t want to, so it’s been interesting reading the comments.

I would say arm yourself with skills/qualifications while you’re waiting OP. Open university maybe? Could a student loan cover the fees?

ISdads · 05/01/2019 17:52

I have no legal background, this is just google, my own solicitors advice about my house, plus my post about putting a charge on a house was not about your situation, op, but about the poster who said their friend's husband was selling from under her.

BitOutOfPractice · 05/01/2019 17:56

I honestly believe you will be financially better off if you leave him. Even if you can't work.

You will certainly be mentally better off.

He is a pig. And men like him never ever ever want to have the kids, no matter how much they say they do. They just say that to keep you in your place.

Swipe left for the next trending thread