Trapped with husband because of kids

[Grubsmummy]

I know many, many people with children seperate but im absolutely terrified of either losing my children or not being the primary carer for them, so I stay with my husband very unhappily and plan to seperate when children are older.

Any others in the same situation? Been with hubby 16 years, we have an 8 year old and a 5 year old. We used to both work full time then I got made redundant when pregnant so decided to become a sahm and live off redundancy money for a while. Husband then climbed the career ladder and has never had to lift a finger to look after the kids so has now got used to that way of life and doesn't want me to work. I don't mind this. I love being with my children. But it's made me financially dependent on him. He makes digs about it to me all the time even through he doesn't actually want me to work!!

Ive wanted to split up for a very long time. I don't think he loves me anymore, I don't love him. He stays with me out of convenience as we have a nice life and his kids are looked after. We don't have sex, we have seperate rooms.

If we split i know from past experience he would be horrible. He would make life hell for me and not put the kids first. I almost wish he'd cheat on me and leave me then I wouldn't have to make the decision.

My fear mostly stems from the fact that my mother lost custody of my sister in the 1970s to her ex husband. My sister was only 6 and only saw my mum a couple of hour's on a Saturday from then on. This happened because she was a sahm and he argued he could provide for the child and she couldn't. Same situation as us.

My thinking is that once the kids are teenager's I won't feel so desperate about the whole thing as they will be more independent from me at that time and I won't miss the lovely things whilst they are young such as holidays, Xmas morning etc whilst sharing custody. I don't know how people cope with this. It would break me.

Should I put up with another 5 years of unhappiness on my part to keep my kids in a stable nice home, or make the break now with all the risks?

A Declaration of Trust, also known as a Deed of Trust, is a legally-binding document that records the financial arrangements between joint owners of a property, and/or anyone else who a financial interest in the property

You need legal advice tbh as you are married not just partners.

Okay, there is lots you can do to find out about your position. Phone your local woman's aid or other similar organisation. Where I live I had an interview and they offer you different services. One of these was a free half hour with a solicitor. Take your documents and go and ask the solicitor about your rights to the house. You may, though, want to ask what will happen if your husband simply refuses to leave the house if you split.

Where I live (Wales) there is a government scheme called PACE. It provides free childcare for parents who are not working ( only one parent needs to not be working) to enable them to get experience to get back into work. You may be eligible. The council, or third sector schemes in your area are likely to offer training and advice to people wanting to get back to work. My council offers a course on building confidence.
There may be local mental health charities who offer free courses which will help with your anxiety.

As for work, phone local temping agencies for teachers and teaching assistants. WHere I live the temping agencies only require you have experience of volunteering in a school. You can ask your local schools if you can volunteer. This will help with your confidence too. It doesn't pay well, but you are getting so little from your husband that that hardly matters. You will then get all the school holidays.

You can also enquire about holiday and breakfast clubs and after school clubs, and their waiting lists.

There is a lot to research. Doing this though should help to get up your confidence. It can feel daunting, but incrementally you will find you gain more and more knowledge, and then you can think about your choices.

ps, I am in a similar situation to you OP.

Birdie6 - thats an interesting story, shows it is possible

Re house situ - If you are tenants in common with a deed trust stating the house is 80/20 yours/his, then you will be fine.

Get in work asap even if part time. How can u manage on 200 for food per month?!! What a tight git! He sounds bloody horrible op. don't stay for the kids. They'll be happier without him. Just get some advice to check that he can't go for the house in spite of your agreement. If he can't then that puts you in a great position. Can u casually text him about work or somehow get proof that he intends not to help w childcare if you rtw? Then if he does ever try to take u to court, which I doubt , you can evidence what a total shit bag he is. Make sure he doesn't see this thread! Lots of good wishes to you. You sound nice, definitely deserve better!

We only get one stab at this thing called life. Is being married to this person how you want to spend yours? If not, no-one is saying leave immediately but if you are determined to be free you need to start planning how you will achieve that.

Getting a job as others have suggested is a good first step. Gather all relevant paperwork together (passports, bank statements, pension details etc) and keep in a safe place, preferably out of the house.

Do you feel able to talk to anyone in RL about it? Your DM must have some idea if she gives you money every month. If not any other family or friends?

It sounds like you will be able to remain in your home which is a huge plus and gives the children stability. I know nothing about custody issues but as you have been the SAHM/main carer for some years, I don't see how he could possibly be awarded custody.

Wishing you good luck for all your plans.

He's not just a tight git, it's far beyond that. What he is doing is financial abuse. He's doing his best to effectively keep you a prisoner by trying to prevent you having ANY financial independence, so you feel unable to leave.

If the house is truly 80% yours and your father would buy out his 20% then I fail to see why you’re trapped - go see a solicitor and check out the landscape if you split , get a job - currently as with so many women it seems that in having children and losing your job you’ve simply supported his climbing up the ladder and financial security