People who say 'that should be ok' and 'I'll try'

[AnotherBeautifulDayToBeRogelio]

An ex boss of mine used to do this. Say for example I asked him if I could go to the dentist and make the time up, or that I wanted to book certain dates for a holiday, he'd always reply 'that should be ok'. He would never ever just give me a straight yes or no, so I was always on the back foot not knowing if I could go ahead and book the dentist appointment (or book the holiday or whatever). He was the sort of awful person who had a massively inflated sense of his own importance though (he once said he wished flights were more expensive so that poor people couldn't go on planes and spoil the experience for him) so I always thought the 'it should be ok' was his way of making himself feel in charge of me.

Now I've noticed my husband does the same thing. If for example I tell him I have to work late on a certain day and can he start tea, he'll say 'it should be ok'. Or if I ask him to pick something up in his lunch break (he works in a town centre and always wanders round the shops every lunch break, so it's not like I'm putting him out) he'll say 'I'll try'. Same as my ex boss - it's never a straight yes or no.

I don't know if I'm sensitive because of my ex boss, so this is a particular 'thing' with me. For full disclosure, my husband comes from a family of emotional abusers and he has a history of gaslighting and stonewalling me. He's worked on this through therapy and has actually stopped gaslighting/stonewalling now. But I can't help feel this is ingrained into his character and the 'I'll try' and 'it should be ok' are small ways of still having the upper hand without overtly gaslighting me. Or am I over sensitive?

On the face of it "I'll try" doesn't sound particularly terrible but when it's added to his history of gaslighting you, I'd say he knows that it keeps you on edge and does it deliberately. Have you told him how it makes you feel and given him chance to adapt his own behaviour?

What's stone walking?

Just tell him why you don't like it and explain yourself then tell him to give you straight answers from now on. It's a previous issue and he's been willing to go to therapy to address it so it's not like he's going to be annoyed if you approach him about this. Talk to him!

*stone walling

I think people use the phrase in different ways. If I asked about a dental appointment and was told ‘it should be ok’ then I’d take that ‘yes’. Maybe some people use it as a non-committing, keep you dangling on a thread, power trip way, but generally they’re in the minority IME.

MIL does this, drives us mad.

Yes I've told him and he doesn't understand my problem. He says he can't say for definite that he can do whatever it is, hence the vague answers he gives.

The problem here is that this is what he has always done - denied whatever it is I've brought up with him, even though his actions tell another story. So I don't trust anything he tells me.

DH does this and his family it drives me nuts. I asked DMIL if she could have DS whilst I went for a hospital appointment the other week and she said 'it should be ok'. Only then announced she couldn't have him the evening before. So I had to cancel an important appointment.

I've started pulling DH up on it. 'Well can you or can't you I need a yes or a no' type thing. I would do this every time.

I don't think it is control with my family - they are just incredibly disorganised but I have a friend who has a boss who does the same as your one did. It definitely is a power thing. Won't even confirm times off for family weddings etc and then pulls it just before. I just wouldn't put up with it.

Your response should be “I’ll take that as a yes, then? You will get xxxx on Tuesday/I will be going for the appointment on The 7th. That’s confirmed then. Thanks.”

Oh dear, I say 'that should be ok' and I mean it as 'yes, unless something totally unforeseen comes up and if i does I will let you know' never occurred to me it's about as clear as mud. It's just a phrase I use, with no intent to mislead!

Well can you or can't you I need a yes or a no is exactly what I say

I'm a 'I'll try' or 'should be ok' person. It does annoy some of my friends. The reason is because I never know how I'll feel or what commitment taking priority might come up. I don't want to say no because ultimately I do want to do what I'm ask but I'm afraid if I say yes, but then really don't want to or can't, I have no escape route because I can't say no if I've committed myself to a yes.

I wouldn't do that to staff asking to take time off though as I respect that they have to know, but if my OH asked me to pick something up, I would. For instance, he asked me yesterday if I could pick up a parcel because I'd mentioned I might go into town. I had no problem doing so if I did indeed go, but I didn't want to glend up going just for that when he could do just the same. In the end, he said he'd go which was fine because it turned out I didn't need to go i to town (to the bank) any longer.

My DH does that, but I always hear it as a yes and act accordingly, as does he. So if something he said ‘Should be ok’ turns out not to be, it’s then his problem to solve. Or I get a call saying ‘Couldn’t pick up x because, but I’ll go after work’ That sort of thing. He’s just not good with absolutes, I’m the opposite. Works for us.
It sounds as if you have bigger, more complex problems than that though.

UhUhUhDennis stonewalling - he would refuse to engage in conversations with me, wouldn't address issues I brought up, would go silent until I shut up or he would leave the room. Or he'd be evasive and would use stalling tactics or get irritable to avoid a conversation.

Ohhhh you’ve enlightened me OP... my husband does this very thing. I’ve never given it much thought before but I think your theory is spot on.

He’s also a bit self important and has deeply ingrained sexist attitudes due to his upbringing and while he never overtly displays it I think the “I’ll try” and “that should be ok” is definitely a way of him asserting his authority.

God I sometimes wish mumsnet didn’t open my eyes so much...

Urgh it’s non committal BS. I really hate it. I’m at my wits’ end with a few folk in my orbit who have now adopted this as the default answer to any invitation plus usually end up doing my joint pet hate of cancelling and giving no alternative meet up date, giving the excuse when you follow up to say “we still on for Weds?”

“Oh did I say I was free? Sorry can’t do Wednesday, I don’t remember saying I was”?

I know the common denominator is me and I feel I’m losing friendships like baby socks at the mo but your post really hit a nerve with me OP.

It’s a bit like “ah, so my time is so plentiful and unimportant you think you can give me a non committal answer and I’ll be a-ok with that? Lovely”.

Oh my exh is exactly like that with those phrases. "Can was swap x day for yday please?" "That should be ok", can you pick the kids up for 8?" "I'll try".

I go for fadedred 's response of

“I’ll take that as a yes, then? You will get xxxx on Tuesday/I will be going for the appointment on The 7th. That’s confirmed then. Thanks.”

And no I'm not always messing about with changes to child arrangements, that's much more his style.

swingofthings can you not see how irritating and unfair that is to the other person. You might not want to? Then what are they supposed to do to plan their time? Wait and see how you feel?

zzzzz what do you mean you often let people down?

Pernickity1

You've hit the nail on the head. With my husband's family, it was his dad who emotionally abused his mum, but my husband worshipped his dad and was scathing of his mum for being weak and not leaving so it couldn't have been that bad.

And yes, I agree about mumsnet owning your eyes. Me too On the other hand, it was me recognising gaslighting and stonewalling due to mumsnet that forced a confrontation a year ago and ended up with my husband going to counselling.

I can see how it could be grating. If someone asks me for a favour I will say that I'll get back to them asap to let them know "but it should be ok" ( unless I know for definite that I can't do it ) I supposed it depends on the person saying it.

*opening your eyes

I'm a bit guilty of this - it's because I'm disorganised and get social anxiety so I'm never certain of my own commitment rather than because I'm being controlling though. And yes I think it can be a guilt free way of saying yes when I really want to say no - which is a bit shit really isn't it? I'll try to be more definite in future.

Can't you just talk to him and ask him what he means by it? If you can't have this kind of conversation then I'm afraid that doesn't bode very well for the health of the relationship in general. If there has been emotionally abusive behaviour, then you almost need to insist upon a higher standard than usual to be sure that the relationship is emotionally healthy. It isn't usually possible to meet somebody halfway because they tend to slip back into the unhealthy patterns. Has he done an abuser program or just normal counselling? Do you have a good sense of healthy relationship behaviour/expectations yourself?

Ok thanks everyone. I think my whole perception is completely skewed. I'm happy to be told this is a normal trait rather than coming from a place of gaining power.

I use them too!

My 'I'll try' means I'll do it unless something happens and I can't make it (so I'll try to pop out at lunch to get it but if work if mental and I don't escape I won't and will let you know or try later).

My 'should be okay' means yes but I need to check my diary/check with DH etc so I'll confirm later and I then do confirm either yes or no after. If it was someone that never confirmed for definite I think that would annoy me but I would just assume it means yes.

I only ever accept "that should be ok" if it's accompanied by "I'll check and come back to you" as I've been burned too many times in the past with "well I didn't say for definite"