People who say 'that should be ok' and 'I'll try'

[AnotherBeautifulDayToBeRogelio]

An ex boss of mine used to do this. Say for example I asked him if I could go to the dentist and make the time up, or that I wanted to book certain dates for a holiday, he'd always reply 'that should be ok'. He would never ever just give me a straight yes or no, so I was always on the back foot not knowing if I could go ahead and book the dentist appointment (or book the holiday or whatever). He was the sort of awful person who had a massively inflated sense of his own importance though (he once said he wished flights were more expensive so that poor people couldn't go on planes and spoil the experience for him) so I always thought the 'it should be ok' was his way of making himself feel in charge of me.

Now I've noticed my husband does the same thing. If for example I tell him I have to work late on a certain day and can he start tea, he'll say 'it should be ok'. Or if I ask him to pick something up in his lunch break (he works in a town centre and always wanders round the shops every lunch break, so it's not like I'm putting him out) he'll say 'I'll try'. Same as my ex boss - it's never a straight yes or no.

I don't know if I'm sensitive because of my ex boss, so this is a particular 'thing' with me. For full disclosure, my husband comes from a family of emotional abusers and he has a history of gaslighting and stonewalling me. He's worked on this through therapy and has actually stopped gaslighting/stonewalling now. But I can't help feel this is ingrained into his character and the 'I'll try' and 'it should be ok' are small ways of still having the upper hand without overtly gaslighting me. Or am I over sensitive?

I also found some people constantly asking for favours and expecting them to be delivered

That's grating. But why wouldn’t you just straight away go “I’m not gonna be able to mate, sorry”.

I always take it to mean, well I could do it but I'm not going to put myself out in anyway, if it inconveniences me I may not do it and you can't say anything, because I didn't give a definate answer
But why would you expect someone to go out of their way to do something for you so that you don't have to go out of your way? It's the attitude of expectation that is really annoying. People are not really asking, they are demanding in an indirect way. My experience of such people get as annoy whether you say 'maybe' or 'no' because all they want to hear is 'of course'.

If I said it it would be because I did not want to break a promise. For example, as far as I know my health is perfect, but nevertheless I can't guarantee I won't die of a heart attack before next Tuesday. So it's better to say "that should be OK", as "yes" places me at risk of breaking a commitment due to factors beyond my control.

When I'm vague it's because I want to be accurate!

I'm a 'I'll try' or 'should be ok' person. It does annoy some of my friends. The reason is because I never know how I'll feel or what commitment taking priority might come up. I don't want to say no because ultimately I do want to do what I'm ask but I'm afraid if I say yes, but then really don't want to or can't, I have no escape route because I can't say no if I've committed myself to a yes

With that attitude you’d be no friend of mine or any of my friends. See how you feel? If you make plans then you stick to them...do you just let people down because “you don’t feel like it” that day?

I do this but for me it's not a form of control but fear of letting people down.

It is keeping their own options open and making the other persons life harder to plan by not giving a straight answer which is inconsiderate.

If it is a maybe you need to get back to the person once the thing that is making it a maybe is known.

"That should be okay but I will need to check if Jane can cover" is fine.

For invites, deciding whether you feel like it on the day is not a good enough reason to be a maybe. You need to decide whether you will be there or not and stick to it (unless a legitimate excuse to cancel comes up).

I don't think it is a power thing. Unless they are deliberately trying to mess people about. It is an interesting theory that they are saying "I will be the one to decide whether I cook tea or not" but he is already deciding that by the fact he is asked the question in the first place. He could say no if he wanted.

I’m quite pushy and if it’s for something that will inconvenience me will always say “Well is it a yes or a no, because I need to know”?

With that attitude you’d be no friend of mine or any of my friends. See how you feel? If you make plans then you stick to them...do you just let people down because “you don’t feel like it” that day?
And that's fine with me. I don't like to be pressure into agreeing to plans that I've been put forward to be rather than agreed with me. To me saying 'let's meet tomorrow at 2pm' is not making plans. It's saying 'I'm free, that time suits me, so I expect you to be OK with it'.. My non commitment response doesn't mean in any way that I except then to wait for me to see if I become available. They are absolutely free to arrange something else and then tell me so. I would take no offense to 5his at all. It is totally different, as already said, to arranging a convenient time together in advance which I do very regularly.

Also those last minute suggestions usually involves getting together as a group, so me not going doesn't stop others getting together, or involves going to the gym, which they don't need me to do. I myself might text a friend to say 'plan on being in the gym aftercwork together, are you free to join and then go for a coffee. If they respond to say' I'll try but might need to pick ds up from training', I won't be upset in a yway, will just say 'no problem, see how it goes, if not let's do another time. It won't stop me going to the gym.

I do this but for me it's not a form of control but fear of letting people down
Absolutely. My experience is that those who take it badly are the same people who take badly being told no, so really you can't win with them.

That's grating. But why wouldn’t you just straight away go “I’m not gonna be able to mate, sorry”
Because I do think it's a nice thing to do to do favours to people as indeed, it seems very petty not to when it's little inconvenience for you. As for my instant e of giving DD a lift to station, I would feel bad not doing so if she's got luggage and I'm sitting home doing nothing of importance. I wouldn't wa t to do if it means leaving a job undone, annoying my boss for rushing out of the office, getting stressed in traffic, worrying I'll be Lte and DD will tell me off anyway for being last minuge. Hence the non commitment and her not counting on the favour but happy to do if in the end, its not much trouble to do.

I agree with PPs who have said it is all about the context in your relationship. If everything in the relationship is fine and this one thing is annoying, you could just press your dh on the subject: "Well I really need you to fetch the thing for me, so can you definitely do it please?" or "OK, well let me know for sure whether you are putting dinner on - if you aren't then I could get us a takeaway on my way home."

But if you think he is sending you signals that you are less important than he is and he's unwilling to commit to doing things, then you'll have to address that properly with him.

I say both of them all the time, used to drive my partner mental

I think it's to do with being a bit fatalistic.

Many parents inflict totally non-committal replies on their children such as "we'll see" and "maybe", hoping the child will have forgotten the question in a few minutes!

Seriously, though, I often reply "should be OK". When I say it, I mean "yes, unless something unforeseeable happens". For me, it's a kind of defence to a black-and-white thinker saying to me "but you said you definitely could!!!". I might then often follow it up with a text to confirm when I know more.

I think that to ensure good communication, if you make a request of somebody, it's important to give them the opportunity to refuse. My DH used to volunteer me for things while my back was turned; he'd then tell me "I told them you'd be happy to do this job". Er… am I?! Nobody asked me! But I wouldn't have minded "I told them you might be happy to do this job."

I think also it depends on how the request is made: if you ask somebody if they can do something at a particular time, and expect an immediate answer, you are effectively putting them on the spot. If I need to make a non-urgent request which I know would put somebody on the spot, I often say "might you be able to..." or "no need to decide now, but...", and they can give me a more definite answer later. When I speak to somebody who has real anxiety about making decisions, I often say "how would you feel about doing..."

To me saying 'let's meet tomorrow at 2pm' is not making plans. It's saying 'I'm free, that time suits me, so I expect you to be OK with it'.. My non commitment response doesn't mean in any way that I except then to wait for me to see if I become available

I’m not picking a fight here @swingofthings but has it occurred to you that maybe folk just want to see you and enjoy your company?

Say you and I were friends that hadn’t seen each other in a while and life had got in the way.

I text you and say “let’s meet for a coffee and a catch up at the garden centre beside you 2pm tomorrow” and got “should be ok” back, I’d expect you to let me know we are on for the meet in advance.

Otherwise you’d leave me in a position where I’d be “chasing” for an answer and that you probably annoy you.

But if you’d said to me “should be ok” then texted back saying “can’t actually do tomorrow but day after at 2, that ok” that would be great.

It - to me - is treating your chums/family with respect and respect for their time.

(I know I’m over thinking this)

If you need a definite answer because you will have to make other plans - then confirm "is that yes or no?"

If I asked my boss if I could go to an appointment and they said "should be OK" I'd immediately clarify "is that a yes then because I need to make the appointment".

For me, 'I'll try' means I'm willing to do it, but something might happen to prevent me. Too busy to leave the office, long queue at the parcels office and I don't have time to wait, it's pouring with rain at lunchtime and I don't want to go out.

If I said a definite yes I'd feel I had to do it, even if the inconvenience to me was out of proportion to the importance of the parcel.

Do the people wanting a definite 'Yes' rather than 'I'll try' then expect the other person to complete the errand come hell or high water, or are they satisfied with 'sorry, I couldn't manage it'?

It’s often 6 of one half a dozen of the other in my experience, people who demand a definite yes/no on the spot can be just as controlling as people who refuse to commit. If you have to know right now without allowing me time to check then, ok, the answer’s ‘no’. Happy now?

At work, surely, if someone wants time off, they put in a written request? I can make a guess for my team that it’s probably ok but can’t say until I’ve checked the calendar to see who else is off or if it’s a day when typically we get really busy so I’ll say fill out a time off request form and I’ll get back to you with written confirmation.

Ugh I have a friend who does this and it drives me mad. They say “Thursday should be ok” and then Wednesday evening message me going “oh yeah sorry I have to cancel”

Our last conversation went like this:

Me- Are you free Saturday?
Friend- I don’t know. What time?
Me- Well I’m free all day so what works for you?
Friend- I don’t know. When is best for you?
Me- Maybe 3?
Friend- I don’t know. I’ve got a busy day. Not sure when I’ll be free

Aargh! Just say yes or no! After that conversation I’ve given up trying. I can’t be dealing with the hassle anymore

@swingofthings I get that you dont want people to control your time but you do get how controlling you are being to them?

Its a suggestion not a summons - if you dont want to or its not convenient say so. Saying you will try is controlling and basically saying I may decide to see you I may not it depends if anything more important comes up

I would not like to be your friend

Its a british thing! It’s one of the most endearing yet annoying traits about living int his country. No one is direct. I am direct, my husband is very direct (Russian) and it’s often seen as rude by brits. We always joke that here in England there is a 100 ways to say No without actually saying No.

@PaulHollywoodsSexGut, if we hadn't seen eachother for some time and you texted me one evening to ask if I was free the following day at 2pm, I'd find it quite inconsiderate in the first place as if the intention was to see me, why not text weeks before and agree on a date that suits both? Asking the day before and giving a particular time comes to me as 'I happen to have a small free slot where I can fit you, so take it it leave it' which to me is controlling as expecting to have no plans, drop or change those I might have and do so immediately to accommodate.

Its a suggestion not a summons - if you dont want to or its not convenient say so
But if I'm vague it's probably because I just don't know there and then. My life is full of making plans. I have very little free time and when I do its usually because I need that free time. My life is sadly very regulated so at times, I just don't want to make sudden plans which are quite last minute. When I get the text to meet at 2pm, I might have considered going on a walk with my DS but don't know yet what he is doing so I can't say yes or no right away.

The alternative is just to say no all the time even though I might turn out to be free after all if given a bit more time to consider rather than expecting a yes or no immediately.

Do the people wanting a definite 'Yes' rather than 'I'll try' then expect the other person to complete the errand come hell or high water, or are they satisfied with 'sorry, I couldn't manage it'?

Course - but if it comes with a “how about X date instead?” then that’s the best way

Ha, I think we are guilty as hell of over thinking here @swingofthings but it’s another mind blowing thing MN has taught me, just like the “are you an asker or a guesser” thing posted a while back

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2010/may/08/change-life-asker-guesser

When I say " should be okay" it means as definitely yes as someone who is not entirely control of their fate can answer.

Used to have a customer who said every day "all being well" in response to "see you tomorrow"

You never know, might get hit by a bus later

Course - but if it comes with a “how about X date instead?” then that’s the best way

But if it's about picking up a parcel in my lunch break, which was the part I was responding to, I can't be that specific, because I don't know if I'm going to be able to do it on X date either, because the same conditions which prevented me from doing it the first time, might apply then, too.