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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask those of you who have given - or are planning to give - your DC money for a house deposit

69 replies

RevokeRemainReform · 05/01/2019 09:23

If you're not worried that a present or future partner will benefit from your generosity if the couple split up.

And what, if anything, you've done to protect your contribution.

OP posts:

Baconmaket · 05/01/2019 11:58

This is a way of for me but if either of my DC were buying a house with a partner who they weren't married to, I would assume they would have a legally enforced plan for what would happen to the property if they were to split which would take into account their relative contributions to the deposit.

DexyMidnight · 05/01/2019 11:59

Ok so here's what happened with me. My then fiance and i wanted to purchase a house together and my parents kindly agreed to lend us (or rather me) the deposit. Of course for the purposes of the mortgage we had to all pretend it was 'gifted unconditionally'.

It was lent with no conditions from my parents apart from it had to be paid back in full asap (as in, please don't holiday in san tropez or buy a Mulberry til we've got our money back please). They didn't try and stipulate how we owned (TiC or JTs) - i don't even remember that we discussed it.

However it was my parents loan and i was going to be the one paying it back alone (due to our set of circumstances then at that time - long story not relevant) and so entirely independently i told DP i wanted us to be TiC with my share reverting to my parents. Oh and i own a bigger share, as i contributed the deposit alone and in full, and i pay more of the mortgage every month (as a higher earner).

The loan was quickly paid off in full and we are now married.

The long winded moral of the story is: don't assume your child will meet a gold digger and/or lack the foresight to protect your/their investment.

If my (now) DH had tried to object to TiC or unequal shares it would have set off alarm bells for me and i would have probably run for the hills. Would have been a huge red flag if a single man (or woman) had thought it fair to contribute zero to the upfront purchase but share the equity 50:50.

JillScarlet · 05/01/2019 12:01

“If my (now) DH had tried to object to TiC or unequal shares it would have set off alarm bells for me and i would have probably run for the hills. Would have been a huge red flag if a single man (or woman) had thought it fair to contribute zero to the upfront purchase but share the equity 50:50.”

Same here. I didn’t have the complication of parental input but I had far more equity.

PeckhamPauline · 05/01/2019 12:02

Buy them a house to live in but keep it in your own name.

Set up a trust fund to look after matters once you're gone.

That's the only way to deal with your children's irresponsible partners!

NicoAndTheNiners · 05/01/2019 12:02

I hadn't even thought about this to be honest.

Can I ask if gifts from parents aren't shared in the event of a divorce what about inheritance? If a couple split and say 20k had been left to the DH by his parents and was sat in his solo bank account would he have to give 10k to the wife on divorce?

emwithme · 05/01/2019 12:10

My PIL gave us the money to buy our house (part of DH's inheritance early). They had no stipulations about it but we hold the property in an 80/20 ratio to reflect this. They were happy with this

Now we have a DD, MIL says we need to change it to 50/50.

TrickyD · 05/01/2019 12:13

We have given both DSs considerable sums when they were buying and/or improving their houses. It is up to then how they arrange their own wills and make provision for their families.
However we have gone to considerable and expensive lengths, to ensure that when DP and I die, the considerable amount they will inherit will be confined to the "bloodline".

DexyMidnight · 05/01/2019 12:15

Are we sure about gifts from parents being 'protected' in divorce? I have never heard this... Surely the only way to do that is via pre nup?

OP if this is a concern (and I sympathise) you need to either buy in your name and let child live there for a peppercorn rent - although note child's future ex partner may still benefitting from this arrangement as on divorce they may face huge CSA bill as they have loads of disposal income b/c of reduced rent. Tricky really.

I'd honestly lend him the deposit - not gift it - to allow them to get on the ladder. And then in future when you have faith the relationship is for keeps and/or grandchildren are involved you can gift an equivalent lump sum then.

I rather suspect that's what my wiley old fox parents might be doing

TeacupDrama · 05/01/2019 12:30

in Scotland an inheritance is not generally considered a marital asset I believe in England it is, but not after divorce so if you divorce this week and then inherit they can't claim a share but if you had inherited 2 years ago it would be part of it

TheBigBangRocks · 05/01/2019 12:37

Not thought about it but presumably it can be protected in several ways. I would definitely protect it if we did this and if the bf/gf/DH/DW had an issue with it then it shows their true colours.

Willbeatjanuaryblues · 05/01/2019 12:38

I think mumble chums view is correct.

I take from her post that there is something more at stake when we you gift or give money than the money.

That you should never give what you can't afford and when you give what you can afford, give it freely.

sarahandduck · 05/01/2019 17:53

Hi, I'm sorry.....I didn't post that message so I think I may have been hacked. I've changed my security info so hopefully it won't happen again. So sorry if the comment offended anyone (and it's certainly not my view!!!) I'll see if I can get it deleted.

mumblechum0 · 05/01/2019 22:21

Exactly willbeatjanuary, £100k is a lot to DS and DIL and as they’re buying in a relatively cheap area, it’ll keep their mortgage down, but it isn’t a big amount to DH and I in the grand scheme of things, and I’m happy to take the risk of them splitting, as IHT minimisation is a bigger concern.

Original poster

RevokeRemainReform · 06/01/2019 07:39

but could you "protect" that £100k if if you wanted mumble?

If in several years time we are able to give DD some help, I won't be as magnanimous as you. Possibly because I don't have your wealth (I'm not saying that in a snidey way - you did my will and you were lovely) and I'll be trying to offer my DD some security rather than making a lovely gesture to a loved up young couple.

OP posts:

Beebumble2 · 06/01/2019 08:01

Yes, substantial amounts. First one, on marriage so just gave it.
The second one in a long term relationship, with DCs, so a Deed of Trust was drawn up. It was a detailed document, not only protecting the money on both sides, but also protected the occupancy of the property should one person want the other to leave.
On marriage this document becomes invalid, but could be replaced by a different version, protecting the children’s inheritance.

leaveby10 · 06/01/2019 10:04

Haven't given them a house deposit but they all live in houses that we own. That's how we protect the money that we've invested. That has the potential to be a very abusive situation - Parents that own the roof over your head have too much power and could easily abuse that situation - especially when they get older and they invariably need more help around the house or they have strong feelings about how their GC are brought up - I'm not suggesting this is the case here but I would not be comfortable with this situation at all - either as the owner or the tenant - it would be very wrong.

pointythings · 06/01/2019 10:36

I will be in a position to give my DDs house deposits. And they will be gifts - what happens afterwards in terms of relationships and assets is just life. Shit happens, no point attaching strings to people who are adults living their own lives.

mumblechum0 · 06/01/2019 10:39

Revoke, yes you can protect it in various ways, eg by taking out a second charge after the purchase, which would have to be paid if the house is sold, or signing a declaration of trust and having your name on the deeds along with your daughter.

This wouldn’t however be helpful in terms of minimising IHT which is my own concern as it isn’t an outright gift.

If your daughter married and then divorced, the equity in the property would be treated as a joint asset. To what degree would depend on factors inc length of marriage, contributions etc and each spouse’s (and any children’s) needs.

A loan which isn’t formal is usually considered a “soft” loan in divorce proceedings.

user1471426142 · 06/01/2019 13:21

It is really tricky. I’ve seen things from the perspective of being gifted money rather than gifting it.

When i got together with my partner, he had a flat with the bulk of the deposit having been a long-term loan from his parents which would be paid back on the sale of the flat. We talked about whether I should go on the deeds but I didn’t want to complicate things and I suspect his parents would have been (rightly) worried. Instead I paid rent money to cover bills. We knew we were saving up for a deposit for a house together and had joint goals but kept separate accounts. In that time, I received an inheritance which we viewed separately and also gifts to pay towards the wedding we viewed as joint. If we’d have split at that point even after marriage, I wouldn’t have wanted to touch his equity and he wouldn’t have wanted my inheritance.

Once we saved up enough to move and start a family everything became joint. I’d find it very difficult now to separate out any gifts. We agree on all big expenditure and strongly see ourselves as a family unit.

As a result, I do think length of relationship, marital status, children etc would affect my views on gifting money to my own children and whether I’d want some form of protection or not.

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