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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask those of you who have given - or are planning to give - your DC money for a house deposit

69 replies

RevokeRemainReform · 05/01/2019 09:23

If you're not worried that a present or future partner will benefit from your generosity if the couple split up.

And what, if anything, you've done to protect your contribution.

OP posts:
makingmammaries · 05/01/2019 09:25

On the basis that all children will inherit equally, I present it as advance inheritance. If the couple split, gifts from parents, as I understand it, are not shared with the ex-partner.

ComtesseDeSpair · 05/01/2019 09:32

If the couple split, gifts from parents, as I understand it, are not shared with the ex-partner.

If they use the money to buy a property which they co-own as tenants in common and don’t have it legally noted that the deposit was a gift and should be protected in the event of a separation, the sale proceeds of the property would be shared 50/50 regardless. And if DC marries, the property is considered a shared asset of the marriage.

elQuintoConyo · 05/01/2019 09:33

We'll contribute to DS' first flat alone. Once he has finished university and settled down a bit. If he then sells it and upgrades to something with a partner that's up to him.

We're in Spain where it is common to live at home until you're mid-30s rather like Jesus we'd prefer him to shove off and have some independence.

This is all conjecture re university, decent post-grad job, big enough deposit, the wish to fly the nest...

But I wouldn't worry about a partner who might benefit from the deposit we give him, that's uncontrollable.

ComtesseDeSpair · 05/01/2019 09:36

So basically, you need to encourage your DC to have the deposit legally recognised as something which is to be protected. And not to marry.

Whether they agree to or not is a different matter. I’ve seen loads of threads here where OPs are upset or angry that their OH’s parents want their deposit gift treated like this (and generally the advice is that the OP shouldn’t move in with somebody who would consider letting their parents treat their partner this way or certainly shouldn’t contribute to the mortgage if they do.)

PiggyPlumPie · 05/01/2019 09:38

If I was in that position, not likely at the moment, then it would be given with no strings.

Huntawaymama · 05/01/2019 09:38

I plan to save for my kids, either house deposit, uni or a wedding. If they live at home after uni I'll consider charging them board and putting it into a savings account for them to. It's getting harder and harder to save money and buy houses for young people and I want to help where/if I can

My husband and I gave never inherited (which is fine I've never expected anything from anyone) and it's been hard and I'd love to help my girls in some way so they don't have all the money stress I had

Redgreencoverplant · 05/01/2019 09:40

If DS buys a house with someone he isn't married to and who has put in less of a deposit I would encourage him to be tenants in common with fair shares in the event of a split. If married it is a marital asset and I would have no issue with my DS' ex-spouse taking their half.

Huntawaymama · 05/01/2019 09:40

Sorry I didn't full answer, I'd give it no strings attached

Redgreencoverplant · 05/01/2019 09:40

If he refused the tenants in common I would accept that. The only string attached to the money I will be giving him is that it goes on a house.

WitsEnding · 05/01/2019 09:43

No strings attached at all. It's their chance to take, and won't affect me financially.

leaveby10 · 05/01/2019 09:47

No we haven't considered this, I don't think we are overly worried by it - it's a very small amount of money in comparison to their inheritance - and the same could happen to that. Their money once we give it to them. Bil was obsessed about this kind of thing - he made out his Will to give the kids all his money and gave none to his wife - solicitor told him his Will wasn't legally robust but he couldn't be told. They are divorced now, so he "lost" half of everything anyway - he was a twat.

Original poster
RevokeRemainReform · 05/01/2019 09:49

My friend divorced recently. She was the breadwinner, he chose to be SAHP even when kids went to high school. They got shared residency of DC but he got 70% of the equity. Her parents had given them the deposit but the mortgage company had refused to let them protect the "gift" (forget what the legal terminology is).

OP posts:
Sarahandduck18 · 05/01/2019 09:51

If she was the breadwinner she shouldn’t have got married.

Birdsgottafly · 05/01/2019 09:52

My DD has just split with her Partner and the Father of her children. For the last year I've been propping up my DDs lifestyle and being financially responsible for all of my GC lesuire/hobbies etc.

Because he's been financially abusive. It stings, but you've got to let it go and think 'it's only money'.

When my DDs were due to inherit, we said there was an issue with probate, to delay things, because we knew one was being cheated on and the other financially abused.

It worked in their favour, in the long run.

It isn't a popular view but I wouldn't want step Grandchildren to inherit, unless my DD and I were involved from when they were under 7 and had no other Grandparents.

I'd leave a token amount, but I've known blood related Grandchildren to miss out on what should be theirs.

I've despised both my Son-In-Laws but had to accept them as my DDs choice.

user764329056 · 05/01/2019 09:54

Yes, have given money for house deposit, no strings attached

Birdsgottafly · 05/01/2019 09:54

"Her parents had given them the deposit but the mortgage company had refused to let them protect the "gift" (forget what the legal terminology is)."

You can do it via a Solicitor, it's nothing to do with the Mortgage Company. It's for a divorce Court to decide.

That's why a one-size-advice doesn't fit all.

proudestofmums · 05/01/2019 09:54

We’re both lawyers so we were very alert to the implications in similar circumstances. However we felt that as DDIL is part of our family and we love her we should recognise that by giving the money to them both. If they later break up (and their marriage is rock solid) then so be it. Our wills leave everything just to DS anyway

Gotstuckwiththisname · 05/01/2019 09:57

I am not a parent, but we had a gift from PIL to buy our first house, which we have used to help us move on on the property ladder too.

We agreed that if DH and I should split up, I would not have any claim on that money, nor would I want it.

It depends on the person though - if you don't trust your child in law, could you get a legal document drawn up?

swingofthings · 05/01/2019 09:57

I would only do it if I like their partner and felt they were as committed to each other as can be at anytime. I just wouldn't gift or land if my gut feeling was telling me the relationship want going to last, even if Iturn out to be wrong, which I would much prefer. My kids wouldn't expect anything from me anyway. They've been brought up to expect to be self sufficient and so far are showing to be so.

JustABetterPlayer · 05/01/2019 09:59

I’d rent them a property for a near enough zero fee rather than give them funds that could be removed from the family.

Guineapiglet345 · 05/01/2019 10:01

My PIL gave us a deposit for our house and I offered to go tenants in common or draw up something to say that the money was DHs if we split up but he and they said no, they weren’t bothered. If we split up I’d like to think I wouldn’t take any of the deposit but I suppose it would depend on my circumstances at the time (and I hope I’m never in the situation to find out!)

I’d like to give my kids something for a house deposit and I would ask them to own the property tenants in common with a defined split to protect their money if the other party wasn’t bringing a similar deposit to the table.

Onescaredmuma · 05/01/2019 10:05

This has kind of just happened in our family several family members put in for my DB a deposit on a house with his partner 2 years on they have split she is living in the house while she reduces her debts so she can get a deposit from her share of the house. At least one family member says they gifted the money to both of them and are happy for her to benifit too from the same of the house. My DB is fine with her living there for about a year to reduce her debt as my dad is helping him with a rental deposit for a little house for now that has the option to buy in a year.

Scottishgirl85 · 05/01/2019 10:16

My parents gifted me and my sister £100k each for a house purchase. I can't remember what it is called but their solicitor did it in such a way that our husbands wouldn't get a share of it (despite co-owning our houses with our husbands) should either of us divorce. It was a fairly straightforward process.

Scottishgirl85 · 05/01/2019 10:17

I have a feeling it's written into our mortgages

williteverend99 · 05/01/2019 10:23

In an ideal world you would get the money ring fenced before your DC meets Mr/Ms Right. Because otherwise it sends a pretty horrible message to their DP.