To think people are Cruel about big’ weddings?

[MrDarcyWillBeMine]

A few wedding threads have popped up this week. Awesome, as a 2019 bride I love a good wedding thread!

However, I’m shocked and bemused by the sheer disgust MANY people openly display towards big traditional weddings. I find them very rude and small minded!

No feelings spared - plain nasty comments and even name calling! Apparently anyone who pays more than £50 to nip down their local registry office is a total ‘MUG’ and terrible person? 🤔

These nasty opinions also seems to be one sided - no ‘big weddings’ reguarlh jump in to abuse smaller cheaper ones or make crass remarks- there are plenty of ‘I’d never spend £20k on a wedding- I’d rather lick a mouldy toilet seat’ commenters

But no (very few and usually only in retaliation to abuse)
‘I’d never have a tacky function room £1k wedding - I’d rather visit a public pool 🤢’

🤔 So I can only assume that either:
A- people having cheaper wedding are generally meaner
Or
B- the abuse of large weddings is actually driven by jealousy!

With our fail it sparks a big ‘race to the bottom competition’ between commenters trying to one up each other on ‘cheapeast possible wedding’ 😒 meanwhile I just sit here thinking ‘I like my castle wedding 😬’

EVERY TYPE OF WEDDING IS LOVELY!

AIBU to think that people need to just stop being trolls and making shitty negative comments?

• I do get that weddings need to be affordable but some people CAN afford to spend £10k+ on a wedding and that’s ok!

@thisisnot

Sounds lovely ❤️

DP and I always intend to elope (we aren’t spotlight people) but shortly after our engagement a parent was diagnosed too unwell to travel so our priorities changed!

Think that’s why I take umbridge to people assuming I’m some silly, fiscally irresponsible dreamer! 😂

*intended

All weddings are different and I'll admit if we had 20k to spend on a wedding then i would have done some things slightly differently, free bar for instance. As it was we didn't have that kind of money, but our wedding was classed as 'big'. We had 120 guests, a few extras in the evening we were gutted to not be able to have them to the whole thing but the venue could not fit anymore seated guests. We had a beautiful big Catholic church wedding, i had a gorgeous dress (got it in a sample sale so just under half price at £500!), we paid for all bridesmaids dresses/pageboy suits, hair and make up. Had cars, flowers, welcome drinks, 2 buffets (posher in the day, traditional party type in the night), even a silly photobooth, biggest expense was our photographer at £800. We spent a grand total of £5k.

More expensive or a larger budget doesn't necessarily mean better/worse or more classy/tacky, it means you have more options available to suit your taste. If every wedding was the same it'd be boring.

Oh and it was on a saturday, venue was 2 miles from the church and all easily accessible even by public transport.

Up to other people how much they spend getting married. Personally, if I had a spare 25k, I’d rather put it into a house or something tangible than blow it all on one event. A relative’s marriage cost 250k several years back (they could afford it), but it wasn’t a more enjoyable experience to attend as a guest than much cheaper weddings I’ve been to.

@MrDarcy

Some people put their child through Private school, some people buy expensive cars. I see an expensive wedding as no different.

As long as the people can afford what they buying, let them crack on I say. If they can’t afford it.... well, that is a different matter.

Sorry to hear about your family. Understandable that plans would change to accommodate.

Op,you seem to be seeking validation of your choices. Not sure why it matters frankly
It’s all relative,but nonetheless expect comment on cost/scale of wedding
Just because someone expresses a POV doesn’t make them “jealous”.it doesn’t

We expect to pay for our daughter's wedding and have set some money aside for this. We have made the budget for it very clear. It is unlikely there will be any contribution whatsoever from the future Son in laws family.

If the lovely couple want a lavish celebration, they need to start saving very hard indeed.

You sound very angry op about what seems everyone not falling in love with your idea of a wedding.

I see enough stories on mn of bridezillas, guests feeling obliged to do this spend that.

I had small wedding ( now divorced if relevant) the most magical part of the day was saying my vows to my now exh. But I could of doubled the wedding that would not of changed my feelings.

These are not personal comments about your wedding op. Just weddings in general.

Ugh sorry, Wedding blings are for a similar age cohort IMO.

We are a little older so are invisible.

Decline a lot now. And as long as the Wedding gift is appropriate, all is good.

We worry too much about what others will think of us, but in all honesty, they do not care much.

I agree with pp who said it suggests misplaced priorities. We spent ~£6k on ours and that still seemed a lot for what is effectively a party that lasts a day (albeit a very special one). I can't imagine spending a further £20k and would rather put it towards the mortgage.

I can understand people getting attracted by the big wedding. After all girls are fed this idea from being very young kids. But it just costs so much.

@ThereWillBeAdequateFood I'm duty bound to go to a wedding this year. It's the smallest, most low key wedding I've been invited to but it's going to cost most of the 30 guests a fortune! Planes, trains and automobiles, 2x hotel nights, no drink provided. All I've heard from them is how they want it low key, travelling home for it would have cost them too much, so everyone's to travel down to them, help prepare, help clear up. If they didn't have the money I'd understand, but they're loaded!

Maybe that is part of the backlash? I played Ken and Barbie weddings endlessly as a child. Then think of the episode of Friends where all the women are wearing wedding dresses for the hell of it. I don't know if little girls are still playing Ken and Barbie weddings or if they have changed.

About 30 years ago I went to a very simple wedding in the rural Midwest (now xh was best man). At the time I was shocked at how very homely it was, now I look back and think it was charming. They were extremely conservative and religious people and they invited their large families, everyone was very local. It was in the church that they were a big part of. All the dresses were made by the bride and her sisters and mother. There were fake flowers entwined in the bible the bride held. The reception was the church basement with literally nothing set out, no chairs etc. Just a big taco salad and a jug of Kool Aid.

I do think they should have set out chairs and laid on sandwiches, coffee and cake. But for very, very local and very religious people it was never going to be a knees up.

I suppose in the past people were likely to stay very locally and girls would likely marry a boy from the village as she was unlikely to have left home. Walking to the church then walking to the brides mums house for sandwiches was all very well. Now people are flying half way across the world you can't just chuck a sandwich at them.

We spent loads and it was great. I don’t regret it for a second. Lots of that additional spend was on making the experience nice for guests (I.e funding all costs including accommodation for bridal party, nice food (and lots of it), free flowing drinks, bus etc. We also spent £10k on our honeymoon and it was amazing. Best trip we’ve each had or likely to do and again no regrets. I just wish I could do it again.

We were in a fortunate position financially as we were high earners and both sets of parents contributed significant sums as funding a wedding was important to them. I wouldn’t have got into debt for it and perhaps that’s where some of the concern comes from re big weddings. However, it’s just another area of life where people make different choices re spending. I’d take a bet that many of the wedding moaners have other areas of spend that I’d find frivolous. Any form of discretionary spending could be put towards mortgage payments etc but life (for those with a choice) would be joyless if everyone had to do the right thing by the spreadsheet all the time.

Others might call us foolish, more likely to divorce etc etc but that’s all bollocks really and there can be quite a nasty tone to some posts about weddings.

AIBU to think that people need to just stop being trolls and making shitty negative comments
As we live in a free country, people can say what they like about most things, weddings being one of those things.

People who post on MN about weddings have every right to voice their opinion even if you don't agree with them.

It is nothing personal against you even though you are upset by it.

Best thing to do is ignore the wedding threads that seem negative so you don't get annoyed by them.

Also, remember you are getting married and are obviously very happy and that is wonderful but other people have other experiences of marriage and weddings that are completely the opposite to how you feel right now.

Congratulations and have a great wedding!!

£25000 budget I bet you want an email and/or pm

I have attended 34 weddings! So I must be a great guest :) I’m off to my 35th in September as my niece is getting marreid in America, she is actually American.

The best weddings are the ones where you just get a great feeling about the bride and groom being together. Sadly I have been to a few were I don’t get that nice positive vibe.

I think people doing anything that actually shows wealth will bring comments. Whether it’s a wedding, holiday, handbag or car. I think there is a strand of British sentiment that rather despises anything that is deemed as being flashy. That’s not actually anything to do with jealousy it’s just rather old fashioned modesty.

pants on page 1 got it spot on.
to me an expensive wedding is a true display of priorities gone wrong/ immaturity.

The trouble is, OP, that often very expensive weddings are very formulaic actually. I've been to several over the past few years, and whilst a meal and a piss up is always a fun occasion, it's the little details (that the bride and groom or their families are paying extra for) that often get forgotten - or never even noticed in the first place.

So often it's much of the following:

• Stately home or Castle for reception
• Big white lacy or flouncy bridal gown
• All the bridesmaids and groomsmen in expensive matching clothing
• Expensive flowers/photographer/cake/cars
• Expensive entertainment (DJ/band/photo booth/magician/fireworks)
• Expensive favours for guests
• Money behind the bar or drinks on tables
• Extortionate 3 course meal (and they usually pick the chicken, don't they?)
• Food for the evening guests
• The fact that they even have a separate list for evening guests
• All the little touches, like chair covers, silverware, oh-so-original stationary.
• Don't even get me started on the stag/hen do's..!

ALL these things get lost forever after the B+G spending so much money on them. Guests don't remember who did what really. All the weddings I've been to in recent years have been beautiful and no doubt very thoughtfully planned to the nth degree. But they've honestly all blended into each other to the point that I can barely remember who said/did/wore/ate what at which wedding. And I know some of my friends feel the same way! Shameful really as I was maid of honour at one of them... 🙈

It's such a shame really that all this money is spent when only the B + G can really remember all those little touches that cost a fortune. And maybe not even them as one of my bride friends couldn't remember what she had for dinner on her big day!!!

Loveliest and most memorable wedding I went to? A surprise BBQ wedding reception in a mates back garden (they'd snuck off to get married earlier on that week). Absolutely brill and cheap as chips! All good friends and family together, having a laugh, drinking beers and eating burgers, some of us in jeans (!), dancing, taking pics on the phones - their pet dog ate a corner off their cake, everyone laughed! It was just free from all competitive one-upmanship and no showing off. Just natural and simply lovely!

Now if the B + G spunked a lot of money on a wedding in some ancient caves or in the Tower of London, I'm sure I'd be more inclined to remember parts of that. But I've had just a good a time at a friends wedding down the local labour club! And I'm only ever likely to remember if the speeches were good or bad anyway. So it's about the company really and I'd suggest it's not worth blowing all that cash for one day, as most people won't remember much of it.

I blame the wedding industry who have ramped up costs and encouraged competitiveness around "must haves" for every wedding. Everyone trying to outdo each other with homemade jam favours, £2k dresses and unique entertainment. I remember two male friends falling out when one had a magician at his wedding two months before the other was supposed to have a magician at his. Stole his idea apparently...🤦🏼‍♀️

With that said, I don't think weddings should be completely scrimped on either. It is a special day after all. So perhaps it's a better idea to pick one or two things you'd like to splurge on (dress/photos/etc) and save money on all the other crap - your debt free future will thank you! ;-)

I think the issue with any thread is posters who state their opinion as fact. I find it quite surprising. I think it’s fine to give ‘in my experience’ kind of advice but I am surprised at the tone of some posts that sound like what they’re saying is an absolute.

Sometimes it’s the difference between;

‘big weddings are vulgar and tacky and end in divorce’

and

‘sadly i’ve seen that many friends who have had big weddings have ended up divorced, although of course that isn’t always the case’.

I’m quite new to MN and I’m often surprised by how harsh some responses can be on fairly unoffensive topics.