To not be pressured in to drinking alcohol?

[loolooskip]

I've been a pretty heavy drinker since I was about 16. I'm now in my 40's and after an incident this Christmas I've given up drinking.

DH and I both drank too much. I've wanted to give up a few times but he's not been on board.

Now he is for many reasons so that's great.

But whenever we go out or see friends we're getting either ridiculed for being ott and ridiculous and encouraged to 'go on have one, it won't hurt' or getting sneery 'it won't last' comments.

We're telling people 'we were drinking too much. We don't want to anymore' but that's not seeming to shut people up. I really don't want to start telling everyone in sundry we have a drink problem but that seems to be the only way not to have people waving sodding wine or gin under our noses.

Oh, and the amount of people who are insisting I must be pregnant is as we're not able to have another child and trying to deal with that too.

Anybody else been in this boat and how did they deal with it? It's not as easy as going to new places or getting new friends, we live very remotely.

It's easy to say 'ignore them' but it's hard enough giving up alcohol without having it pushed on you!

We've taken to actually not going out as it's making it more hard and miserable than it already is.

People don’t like the status quo being challenged when it comes to drink, as they don’t want to have to confront the reality that they might have a problem with alcohol too.

At this time of year you can use dry January as an excuse until you feel comfortable declining.

Well done on quitting and please don’t let your friends undermine your efforts.

I think you are quickly learning who your "friends" really are. True friends would support you and they would want the best for you. These people are no friends of yours.

You get used to it

Used to find work does the hardest, especially in the industry I was in. People were outright suspicious of you for not drinking

Just say you’re doing dry January. Then when that’s over say your doing 100 days etc. People tend to be more understanding of that kind of target.

Saying you’re not drinking ever again after being big drinkers is probably too big a statement for your friends and family.

They definitely doubt you’ll do it, so if they see it for themselves after saying the above thje it’ll just become the new norm over time.

"I said I don't want a drink so stop trying to persuade me. I/we have stopped drinking but that does not mean you have to stop or cut down while you're around us. And if you have nothing positive to say - jog on".

And if they persist, a rather loud "bored now!" and change the subject

That myst be so annoying for you.

Why on earth cant people.just m9nd thier own business especially supposed adults?

I would start the evening by sayimg "Dh and i are not drinking alcohol. If anyone has a problem.with that its tough. Our choice our lives. If none of you can have a .nice time without alcohol that's your decision not ours and you can.carry on .doing your thing and we will do.ours without needing to.justify it nor be coerced into something by a group of adults acting like teenagers."

If your friends cant respect your choices then they arent friends. And its a bit sad they need you to drink to.justify thier own.excesses. perhaps you not drinking shows them.just.how much they are drinking?

I DEFINITELY think it's making some think more about their drinking. There is a very bad problem locally with alcoholism. We live remotely and winters are hard. I'd say where we live people are either drinking way too much or they're teetotal.

I'm trying to rewire dh's thoughts on drinking. He used to not want to hang out with people that didn't drink as he was, as someone said unthread, suspicious of why somebody didn't drink.

I dont really have anything to say except for I admire your will power. I lasted 3 days with dry January. I’m thinking of getting back on the wagon tomorrow and carrying on with dry January and everyone is taking the piss out of me! “What’s the point now” etc!
Stick to your guns and carry on with minimal/no booze! You are doing better than me.

The dry January thing is good. I'll try that. I'm utterly shocked at how different I feel after just a week not drinking. And I worked out how much we were spending and was horrified.

@dentydown we were downing a bottle of wine each pretty much every night for the last couple of years. I'm so glad I finally got through to DH.

Well, I think you're brilliant to have that level of insight and really do something about it. Yes to doing the Dry January/100 days excuse and after that you can say that following your 100 days you have no tolerance and alcohol now gives you a killer headache. Job done.

I do Dry January every year and Dry June as well. I reset my relationship with alcohol in 2015 and it's been great. You're doing a good thing for yourself. My H was an alcoholic - it cost him everything: his family, his job, his home and last year his life. Congratulations on turning away from that road.

Hi OP, I’m on the DJ thread in chat but I’m looking to stay sober because I’ve been a heavy drinker for years but have had enough now.

I’m using the DJ month to avoid too many questions about not drinking then will use the 100 days if I get any more questions.

I feel absolutely fantastic, I can’t go back to how I treated alcohol , my tolerance was getting greater, I have to change.

Good luck OP

@pointythings thank you.

It's nice to have some positive words regarding the whole thing.

It's a massive effort for us and for me at least, the hardest thing I've ever done, the last week has been rough. It would be nice if people I know could be supportive and give me a bit of a pat on the back rather than take the piss.

It was affecting my marriage, my parenting, my sleep, my wallet and I don't even want to think about what it was doing to my health.

We were planning on having a glass of fizz at a family wedding in June but I'm not sure I can even do that. My problem seems to be that I have one small drink and can't stop until I'm pretty tipsy/drunk.

@HolyMountain

For the first time in years I don't have insomnia. I'm shocked at how much drink was affecting my sleep. I actually burst in to tears in public today because I couldn't believe how good it felt not to have a hangover ever morning.

And the thought of being able to wake up after a night out and not have that sinking dread of what I'd done, how I'd embarrassed myself and whether I could actually remember....

I know , isn’t the quality of the sleep so much better, I’m actually sleeping all night and not waking about 3.00 am tossing and turning.

I’m absolutely determined not to fall back into those habits, I have a party I have to attend tomorrow and I know for sure I’ll be pestered about having a glass of wine .

It’s not happening.

I haven't touched a drop in 21 years and I get the same thing sometimes. I go to the bar and get a diet coke with a piece of lemon in it and carry that around, which helps avoid the issue. If you sit down at a restaurant and there are wine glasses put out turn yours upside down and the server will take it away.

It makes people feel uncomfortable because it shows that it's possible to socialize without drinking and makes them question how healthy their own relationship to alcohol is.

My favorite part of the change was waking up feeling chipper every morning. My second favorite was watching how everyone else changed as the night went on and they became more and more intoxicated.

Good on you OP.

Loolooskip - wishing all the very best. I'm doing dry January and last year I liked it so much that I just carried on. The Reddit stopdrinking is really good for keeping you going and how to talk to people about not drinking.

Maybe tell them you have liver damage and are not drinking on medical advice. Thatvshouldnshutbthem up! Probably true - you may have some liver damage which will recover after a period of not drinking, and recent medical / scientific advice is that any alcohol is harmful.

Good luck by the way!

I don’t drink (I have a very low tolerance to alcohol and the room spins on a liqueur chocolate)

I will warn you it does take its toll on friendships not drinking as you find the more people drink the less in common you have with them.

One of my best friends quit drinking a few months ago after being a pretty heavy drinker. We were previously each other's biggest drinking buddies. I don't want her to ever feel like I would be like your friends are being so I've just told her that if she wants any support I'm here and I would love a sober night out soon with her. We have one planned next week.
I admit it did make me think about my drinking and thinking 'why don't I want to give up too?' it's made me more mindful about mine and I've made a significant effort to cut down to a couple of glasses a night, two nights a week.
Feel so much better for it. I do think that your friends are probably questioning their own drinking now one of their heavy drinking friends have given up.
I now know that if it creeps up again, it's going.
Congratulations on your sobriety OP. So many people are doing this nowadays, and are what I class as 'grey area' drinkers (drink too much but don't fit or choose the alcoholic label). It's a really positive step and you and your DH should be proud. Sparkling water cheers to you!

loolooskip
As PP have said you do not need friends like that , its hard enough to give up the drink without it been shoved under your nose .
'I am doing dry Jan' may shut at least a few of them up,

If you feel like it come and join me and lots of others on the
'New and Old Penguins dry Jan'
thread, you will get lots of help and support on there .

I decided to stop drinking in my mid twenties because I was just binge drinking, doing stupid, irresponsible things and spending far too much money. I decided not to tell anyone that I was going to stop because I knew that I’d get the ‘go on, just have one’ comments so I just get a lemonade, it looks like a vodka and lemonade as far as anyone else is concerned, I don’t get into buying rounds so no one knows what I’m drinking and if someone tries to get me to have a glass of wine I give a really abrupt ‘no thanks, I don’t want one’ and change the subject.

As far as I’m concerned it’s not up for discussion with anyone else and as PPs have said I feel so much better not having hangovers and sleeping better.

I find that saying, "Gosh, you seem rather obsessed with alcohol this evening. Are you having problems?" soon shuts them up.