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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel shocked that he wants me to have an abortion?

67 replies

londonroad · 04/01/2019 15:30

We have been together for 4 years, I have two DC from previous relationship. We decided in August that we wanted a baby, so o had my mirena coil taken out. This is when the trouble started - o think I have pmdd and taking the coil out had a big effect on it. We we're near on splitting every month when I was due my period because my moods were so severe. We decided having a baby probably not the best idea seeing as our relationship had become unstable. Last time I was ovulating I said to him right before sex, you know we are having unprotected sex and a baby could come out of this?! He went ahead anyway.
Now I'm pregnant (4 weeks ish) and he has said that he definitely wants me to have an abortion because financially and relationship wise it's not a good idea and that the baby would be unwanted by him.
I am quite shocked as although not ideal I presumed if I were to fall pregnant we would keep it seeing as we both knew what we were doing having unprotected sex. We had talked about having a baby often throughout our relationship, discussed names etc. I won't have the baby because he doesn't want it but I feel really fucked off and upset that I now have to go through a fucking abortion.

OP posts:

Shazafied · 04/01/2019 15:32

You don’t want abortion so don’t have one. You’ll never forgive him or yourself.

Original poster

londonroad · 04/01/2019 15:32

I said to him you do know you are now going to make me have an abortion as a form of contraception?! He said he didn't really believe I'd get pregnant, it's just a bunch of cells and this is a wake up.call to start using contraception.

OP posts:

Shazafied · 04/01/2019 15:32

Honestly I’d start planning to leave this idiot now, and have the baby.

RosemarysBush · 04/01/2019 15:33

How awful for you x

LaurenSarah22 · 04/01/2019 15:33

If you don't want one don't have one and leave his ass

PurpleDaisies · 04/01/2019 15:34

We decided having a baby probably not the best idea seeing as our relationship had become unstable. Last time I was ovulating I said to him right before sex, you know we are having unprotected sex and a baby could come out of this?! He went ahead anyway.

“He went ahead anyway”? You weren’t there at the time?

You are just as responsible for this baby as he is. The decision whether to have an abortion is yours and yours alone though. You should seek done impartial counselling to help you decide what you want to do.

Original poster

londonroad · 04/01/2019 15:35

I definitely don't want to have one as a single mother. I'm heartbroken because I thought it would be different and the baby would be wanted although not ideal circumstances.

OP posts:

Notacluethisxmas · 04/01/2019 15:35

No one can make you have an abortion. He can try. But if you make the decision it has to be your decision.

I wouldn't be that shocked. You decided a baby wasn't a good. Plenty of people have unprotected sex even though they don't want baby. You did.

You need to decide what you want.

Original poster

londonroad · 04/01/2019 15:36

Purple, of course I was there. I presumed him still going ahead knowing we we're u protected meant that he would definitely not tell me to have an abortion if I got pregnant, that's all I'm saying.

OP posts:

Chewinggumwalk · 04/01/2019 15:37

You don’t sound as if you want an abortion, OP , but the circumstances are awful and he is an arse.

Could you get some RL counselling to talk it through, at all?

Evidencebased · 04/01/2019 15:37

He cannot make you have an abortion.

If you choose to do as he wishes you to do, think about two things.
How will you feel after a termination that was not your choice?
Is there any way this relationship can survive in a healthy, flourishing way after that?

You are pregnant.
He has let you down.
But choose for yourself what the outcome will be.

2019Dancerz · 04/01/2019 15:42

Why are you having sex with someone when your relationship is so rocky?

Mia1415 · 04/01/2019 15:42

You don't have to go through an abortion. It is entirely your choice. It is your body and your baby.

I was put under enormous pressure to have one by DS's 'father'. I now have a gorgeous 6 year old and I don't regret it for a second.

I know you didn't set out to be a single mother. Neither did I. My life is completely different than how I anticipated it, however life is unpredictable.

I'm not anti-abortion by the way, I'd just suggest you think very carefully before making such a big decision that you may regret and there is no going back from. Good luck

Babdoc · 04/01/2019 15:43

OP, I think you have more than a termination problem- you have a partner problem.
Do you really want to stay with a man who can talk so cold bloodedly about your pregnancy? Who regards his possible future child as simply an inconvenience for you to get rid of, after he thoughtlessly foisted it on you? He sounds to have no love or consideration for your feelings at all. I’d be seriously considering whether there was any point in continuing the relationship, never mind the pregnancy.

Dragongirl10 · 04/01/2019 15:44

Leave him, and decide what you want to do about the pregnancy...he is a complete waste of space.

Shazafied · 04/01/2019 15:44

Op think about it this way, if he “makes” you have an abortion you don’t want to have, and you stay together ... what sort of relationship are you going to have ?

Fundays12 · 04/01/2019 15:46

Tell him if he doesn’t like it he knows where the door is. My DH forgot to pull out after a few drinks (we normally use condoms but had none and the coil failed for me so was removed). I warned dh before we had sex that my cycle was all over he place and I suspected I could be near ovulation so if we didn’t want another little person just yet it was maybe an idea to pull out. When I found out I was pregnant he was an adult about it and I got a kiss, hug and told it’s fine which what you should have got. We had talked about having another child but felt it would be better to wait as I have a new job. I also knew the risks after he pulled out as i could have got the morning after pill but decided to leave it to fate. We are both glad we did now.

It takes 2 to make a baby and you gave him a warning which he choose to ignore. He knew you were not on contraception and still went ahead anyway. If he can’t man up and accept some responsibility you are better off without him. The question is do you want the baby and are you prepared to do it without him? You can’t have an abortion for him you will resent him for it and possibly regret it yourself.

thebaronetofcockburn · 04/01/2019 15:48

I would terminate because I wouldn't want to be a single mum of 3 or tied to him forever and then I'd dump him.

Consolidateyourloins · 04/01/2019 15:50

I would have to ask him to leave, because I would want to make the decision without his cowardly face in my house.

If you're splitting, don't drag things out. Tell him to pack and leave tonight and then decide what's best for you, whether that's an abortion or not. Don't feel you have to consider his feelings

MumMumMum1 · 04/01/2019 15:52

Me & my OH had 1 young DD, we were on holiday got drunk & had sex unprotected. I got pregnant. We didn’t plan for this baby & although it took a while to get our heads round it he never ever ever made me feel forced into anything. Our second little girl is due in May. His a dick. Because you’re the one who has to physically have a termination & potentially the regret & emotional side afterwards. Dump him, make your decision about the baby your self but for god sake either way your relationship with him needs to be over. Man child.

TheBigBangRocks · 04/01/2019 15:56

Why were you having unprotected sex (let alone during ovulation ) in a rocky relationship? This isn't all on him, you are an adult too.

You have two children to support already and it sounds like the relationship is at an end anyway. A third impacts the other innocent children.

Foodylicious · 04/01/2019 15:57

Sounds like you have made your decision.
Does not sound like staying with him is an option though.
I can't imagine wanting to stay tbh.

Sorry you are having such a tough time

Just out if interest, does he know that this side of him is likely a deal breaker for You?

Juells · 04/01/2019 15:58

Why are you having sex with someone when your relationship is so rocky?

AssassinatedBeauty · 04/01/2019 16:01

Don't do anything that you don't want to do for yourself, your partner should not be pressurising you into agreeing to an abortion.

It's really unfair of him to behave this way when he knew the risk that you were taking with no contraception. I bet if he'd have made it clear that he would expect you to have an abortion that you wouldn't have continued to have sex.

Blueblueyellow · 04/01/2019 16:03

2019Dancerz how is that helpful in any way? Op, if you want to have this baby then do it. He can't tell you that you have to have an abortion. When did you find out you are pregnant or when did he say that to you? Maybe he needs more time to and just reacted badly as you were already a bit rocky?

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