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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel shocked that he wants me to have an abortion?

67 replies

londonroad · 04/01/2019 15:30

We have been together for 4 years, I have two DC from previous relationship. We decided in August that we wanted a baby, so o had my mirena coil taken out. This is when the trouble started - o think I have pmdd and taking the coil out had a big effect on it. We we're near on splitting every month when I was due my period because my moods were so severe. We decided having a baby probably not the best idea seeing as our relationship had become unstable. Last time I was ovulating I said to him right before sex, you know we are having unprotected sex and a baby could come out of this?! He went ahead anyway.
Now I'm pregnant (4 weeks ish) and he has said that he definitely wants me to have an abortion because financially and relationship wise it's not a good idea and that the baby would be unwanted by him.
I am quite shocked as although not ideal I presumed if I were to fall pregnant we would keep it seeing as we both knew what we were doing having unprotected sex. We had talked about having a baby often throughout our relationship, discussed names etc. I won't have the baby because he doesn't want it but I feel really fucked off and upset that I now have to go through a fucking abortion.

OP posts:

ohlittletown0f · 04/01/2019 18:59

He is being no colder than any woman who belives abortion is a solution to an unwanted pregnancy. You BOTH agreed that the pregnancy was unwanted.

If you still think that is the case - then make your decision to terminate.
If you no longer feel that way - then it is your choice to keep the baby.

You both agreed to have unprotected sex. AT THE TIME you both agreed that you did not want a baby. If you have changed your mind - that is your right - but don't blame him. He is not forcing you.

You may split up - but it sounds as if this is very much on the cards anyway.

Eliza9917 · 04/01/2019 19:24

You should do what YOU want, which is obviously to keep it.

If you have the baby and he comes round, all good, but this might probably will split you up. If you terminate when you don't want to, ultimately, that will split you up too.

So, you could be single with your wanted baby, or single without.

I know what I'd do. I'd keep it and tell him he can get on board or stop wasting all of yours time and fuck off now tbh.

User758172 · 04/01/2019 19:42

I’d have the abortion, dump him and never look back. No way would I want to be tied to this man for the rest of my life.

commonsenseisnotcommon · 04/01/2019 19:45

He doesn't want a baby, you spoke about it and now he has changed his mind. If you want to keep it then keep it, just know he's going to be annoyed he might not want anything to do with it an u will have another child without a dad that You have to bring up On your own and will probably be on here complaining about your child's dad doesn't want anything to do with the child Also if you said every time before you was Goin to have unprotected sex 'you know this can result in a baby' then wow! What a mood killer! I doubt you did that.

ladygracie · 04/01/2019 19:50

My friend had pmdd & it was absolutely horrendous for her. There is a closed group on Facebook that she found incredibly useful and supportive so that might be worth looking at.

MinecraftHolmes · 04/01/2019 19:51

No one can make you have an abortion.

Make the decision based on what you want - bearing in mind the high likelihood of you being a single mum to 3.

BlackberryandNettle · 04/01/2019 21:04

He sounds horrible - I'd definitely dump him and then decide about abortion. Going ahead would possibly leave you tied to him though of course, rather than free to sever all ties.

mrsgumpy · 08/01/2019 07:27

I had an abortion 5 weeks ago because my DH didn't want a third child. It was an absolutely heartbreaking decision and I suffered serious trauma afterwards as the pregnancy hormones dropped. I am much better now and my relationship with my DH is good. But I was very angry with him after the abortion and the lead up to the decision almost broke us. This is after our marriage being almost perfect.

I made the decision to abort because I couldn't face raising three children on my own and also because I didn't want to have a child with someone who didn't want one. My DH thought his mental health would be compromised (he has suffered from depression in the past) and I was worried the the effect of a third child on my existing DCs.

I do think you need to think of your existing DCs and also whether you can do this on your own.

THAT BEING SAID, do no under-estimate the grief and trauma that goes with an unwanted abortion (at least in the short term).

Thinking of you....

mrsgumpy · 08/01/2019 07:29

ps: can I also strongly suggest a qualified abortion counsellor in the lead up to the decision (and for afterwards if you go through with the abortion)

swingofthings · 08/01/2019 07:44

You were both wrong. You shouldn't have assumed he'd be happy you'd get pregnant when he'd say clearly that he'd changed his mind. He was wrong to assume you'd be fine with having an abortion.

What you should have done is bring it up in the morning and then go for the morning after pill. You're now pregnant clearly happy about it. He isn't. You can't change that and you can't put the blame on him only.

Namenic · 08/01/2019 07:57

As someone said - get impartial counselling so you know what your options are (abortion, adoption, keep baby).

You have the decision, so think carefully and don’t be pressured by him or anyone else. Also - is it possible that if you went back on mirena relationship would improve? Does this have a bearing on whether you would stay with him? Or whether you would want to keep baby (if you wanted a baby you would need to come off contraception at some point anyway - does he know that the mirena may have had an effect on your mood)? There are many factors, including what effect pregnancy/after pregnancy had on your health, your other support etc. I wish you all the best.

SushiMonster · 08/01/2019 08:02

I would split up with him. And have the abortion. You surely don’t want to bring a baby into the world who has such a dickhead for a father. Albeit your approach to contraception leaves something to be desired.

cakecakecheese · 08/01/2019 08:27

You say the relationship is rocky because of pmdd but do you really think that getting treatment for it will magically make everything better? It must be difficult to live with someone who has that but he should have been supporting you. Did you think that you getting pregnant would help make things better? You say you don't want to be a single mother but I think, given the state of your relationship, that it was always on the cards even if he did want you to continue the pregnancy.

I would echo the pp who suggest councelling as this is all a mess and you need to think everything through carefully.

aNewMonica · 08/01/2019 08:29

He is doing nothing wrong by telling you how he feels. It seems that that's all he's done.

Puggles123 · 08/01/2019 09:38

Yes if I had thought he wouldn't want the baby I definitely would not have had u protected sex with him let alone bang in ovulation period.

Asking him just before sex, especially knowing during ovulation the chances are much, much higher really doesn’t equate to him wanting a baby. You shouldn’t do anything you don’t want to do, but he is entitled to feel how he feels- you are both responsible for having unprotected sex, it isn’t like he changed his mind following a rational discussion. Either way take some time to think about what you want, but maybe be prepared to do it alone.

Lifeonmars77 · 08/01/2019 10:10

I went through something very similar a few years ago, I'm not sure if it's helpful but happy to share.

It took us a long time and a few miscarriages before we conceived DS1 and we'd spoken about having a second so I had my coil removed on the basis that we wouldn't actively try (tracking ovulation etc) but wouldn't prevent either and let nature take it's course. I think we both thought it may take forever and may not even happen at all.

Anyway, I fell pregnant within 2 months and DH panicked. He said that, on reflection, he wasn't ready, he'd looked at the finances, we couldn't afford it (I know right ) and wanted me to have an abortion. I almost went through with it but just couldn't and told him I'd be having the baby with or without him and, if he was going to stay, we had a lot of work to do on our relationship.

Both the marriage and the pregnancy were difficult over the following months but we talked a lot, worked at it and really made the effort to understand each other's position.

By the time DS2 was born we were in a much better place (he realised he'd been a dick), he cried at the birth and fell in love instantly - he's been a fantastic husband and father to our two sons ever since.

I'm not saying everyone is the same and certainly can't speak for you or your DP but it's going to be a tough slog either way, whether you do it together or apart. The others are right though, it's YOUR decision and you have to take care of you first. You'll know in your heart what feels right

NekoShiro · 08/01/2019 10:19

I'd be super pissed too, it sucks that you've gotta go through all that just cus he didn't fully think through what was gonna happen

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