Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel shocked that he wants me to have an abortion?

67 replies

londonroad · 04/01/2019 15:30

We have been together for 4 years, I have two DC from previous relationship. We decided in August that we wanted a baby, so o had my mirena coil taken out. This is when the trouble started - o think I have pmdd and taking the coil out had a big effect on it. We we're near on splitting every month when I was due my period because my moods were so severe. We decided having a baby probably not the best idea seeing as our relationship had become unstable. Last time I was ovulating I said to him right before sex, you know we are having unprotected sex and a baby could come out of this?! He went ahead anyway.
Now I'm pregnant (4 weeks ish) and he has said that he definitely wants me to have an abortion because financially and relationship wise it's not a good idea and that the baby would be unwanted by him.
I am quite shocked as although not ideal I presumed if I were to fall pregnant we would keep it seeing as we both knew what we were doing having unprotected sex. We had talked about having a baby often throughout our relationship, discussed names etc. I won't have the baby because he doesn't want it but I feel really fucked off and upset that I now have to go through a fucking abortion.

OP posts:
IceCreamSunday87 · 04/01/2019 16:05

Please don't go through with an abortion if you don't want one. It will do more harm than good, believe me.
Only do it if you 100% don't want this baby. If you do want to continue with the pregnancy, there is fuck all your so called by can do about it.
Do what's right for YOU.
Look after yourself op Flowers

pjllama · 04/01/2019 16:05

If you have a termination have one for the right reasons (ie what's right for you) not because this waste of oxygen wants you to. It's a decision you will have to live with for the rest of your life. Whatever you decide I'm not sure I could be with a guy like this. Time to re-evaluate your relationship? Sending all the love.

RomanyRoots · 04/01/2019 16:08

Why were you having unprotected sex when your relationship was so bad?
Abortion is not the answer, it's not contraceptive.
However, if you don't want an abortion it's fuck all to do with him.
Sounds like the relationship is over anyway.
If you don't want a baby or would consider an abortion, don't have unprotected sex.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 04/01/2019 16:08

I feel really fucked off and upset that I now have to go through a fucking abortion

You don't "have to" have an abortion, he can't force you. You need to LTB whatever happens though as it really doesn't sound like a positive relationship.
In your shoes I would probably terminate the pregnancy as I know I'm not cut out to raise three DC by myself and I wouldn't want to have a baby with a man who doesn't want one.

Pinkyyy · 04/01/2019 16:09

I said to him you do know you are now going to make me have an abortion as a form of contraception?

OP are you aware of what contraception is? An abortion cannot be used as a method of preventing pregnancy, you are already pregnant. It is a way of ending pregnancy and you need to be able to accept this if you're considering going ahead with it.

OutPinked · 04/01/2019 16:12

You won’t get much support on AIBU OP, I would suggest asking for this thread to be moved across to relationships Flowers.

Personally I would do whatever YOU want to do with regards to the pregnancy, do not let his opinion sway you in any way. Speak to an impartial counsellor if you can to help you decide. And, irrespective of your decision, dump him. Please. He is not a good man. He has knowingly had unprotected sex with you and demanded you have an abortion as a result when you had previously decided to TTC. Get rid of him.

MoaningSickness · 04/01/2019 16:16

He said he didn't really believe I'd get pregnant, it's just a bunch of cells and this is a wake up.call to start using contraception.

An abortion as awake up call to use contraception? Someone this selfish and callous should not be having sex with anyone but his own hand.

Please tell me you are ditching the scumbag.

The decision to keep the baby or not is down to you. Do what you want without his input, and don't feel bad either way.

Unfortunately you found out that he was a shit too late, but at least you have found out, and can ditch him now.

Original poster
londonroad · 04/01/2019 16:16

Thanks for all your support.

Yes if I had thought he wouldn't want the baby I definitely would not have had u protected sex with him let alone bang in ovulation period.

The relationship has been Rocky because of Pmdd, I have a private appt with a gyn consultant at the end of this month to seek treatment.

OP posts:
Consolidateyourloins · 04/01/2019 16:26

What have you decided to do about him OP?

Bellatrix14 · 04/01/2019 16:28

While it might sound callous to some, it technically is a wake up call (to both of you) not to have unprotected sex at your most fertile time if you don’t want a baby. He is correct. It sounds to me like he meant an unwanted pregnancy is a wake up call with regards to the importance of using contraception, not necessarily an abortion.

You are pregnant now, when you didn’t really want to be, which is obviously not ideal. You have to do what you want to do (please don’t let him bully you), but I don’t think describing this as a ‘wake up call’ is that unpleasant or untruthful. You are going to have a baby or a termination. That’s a big decision for most people either way, but was a fairly likely outcome of this scenario.

Butchyrestingface · 04/01/2019 16:29

Yes if I had thought he wouldn't want the baby I definitely would not have had u protected sex with him let alone bang in ovulation period.

But you stated that you had both agreed beforehand that having a baby wasn't a good idea due to the state of your relationship? Were you hoping to get get pregnant anyway, and that he would be supportive?

I agree with everyone else though. Don't have an abortion to please/keep him.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 04/01/2019 16:30

Is there no hope that in a few weeks/months without the pmdd due to the pregnancy that your relationship may be in a better place and he may change his mind?
He's an absolute shit for putting what he wanted in that moment (sex) above not continuing without contraceptives and risking a baby, even if he hoped conception wouldn't occur.
That being said, you knew the relationship had nearly ended several times, and you'd decided not a good time for a baby, so you were just as responsible for going ahead unprotected.
Some people don't see embryo/fetus as an actual baby until much later in development, hence his seemingly cold reaction to it just being a bunch of cells, at this point it cant self sustain life so he's kind of right.

AcrossthePond55 · 04/01/2019 16:33

If you have an abortion, you will resent him and the relationship will break down and you will be alone.

If you do not have an abortion, he will resent you and the relationship will break down and you will be alone.

It's a lose/lose situation. Chose the option you can live with on your own.

OutPinked · 04/01/2019 16:44

acrossthepond is correct. You have to make the decision that is right for you and your life, the relationship is over.

19lottie82 · 04/01/2019 16:45

OP it’s your body, your choice. It’s your decision whether you have an abortion or keep the baby, BUT you knew he didn’t want a baby (as did he!) when you both made the decision to have unprotected sex.

I don’t see how you can be shocked that he doesn’t want a child. He made that clear. It seems like you assumed he would change his mind if that outcome occurred. Unfortunately it did, and he hasn’t. You’re both to blame in this mess.

Wannabeyorkshirelass · 04/01/2019 17:11

He's allowed to have an opinion - it doesn't sound to me like he's pressuring you, he's just told you that he doesn't want the baby and wants you to have an abortion. I think that's fair enough.

I think if you don't want an abortion you shouldn't have one. But don't have one and claim it's his fault - this is YOUR choice.

KarmaStar · 04/01/2019 17:44

Hi OP,it reads as though he is responsible for all your decisions.He is not.
Your body.Your life.you decide.
Don't make the decision about keeping your baby or not be based on keeping him in your life.
He has shown his true colours.
Do what is best for you and your family.Flowers

OutPinked · 04/01/2019 17:47

He is allowed to have an opinion but he is pretty much demanding she has an abortion here. They both chose to have unprotected sex but they had previously agreed to TTC to the extent OP had her contraception removed. Doesn’t scream someone who doesn’t want a child to me... he also went ahead when OP warned him it was her fertile period.

He sounds like an infantile piece of shit if I’m being brutally honest. The only wake up call here is that you need to leave him.

Beansandcoffee · 04/01/2019 17:52

I’m sorry OP but you also knew the consequences of having unprotected sex. The issue is with him and your Rocky relationship which you knew about. Unfortunately you are going to have to make the decisions as he has proved to not be reliable or wanting a relationship with you. I’m sorry you are in this position but you can’t go around saying “he carried on” as though you were not involved.

fruitbrewhaha · 04/01/2019 18:08

Putting the pregnancy to one side.

You were in a committed relationship 4 months ago, so much so you decided to have a child. With the removal of your coil came terrible mood swings of pmdd. So within 3 cycles your relationship is rocky and he has put the breaks on. It's hardly the actions of a prince. He clearly is not going to support you through the ups and downs of child rearing and life in general.

Mummyshark2019 · 04/01/2019 18:11

Agree with fruit. I think you need to think if he is really the guy you want to be with. Sounds like a complete moron.

BlueJag · 04/01/2019 18:18

Nothing destroys relationships faster than an unwanted baby.
The stress, money, hormones uffff! Recipe for disaster.
You were both very foolish. Very sad and difficult situation.

C0untDucku1a · 04/01/2019 18:36

You should dump him first. Him continuing the unprotected sex when he knew you were ovulating and THEN telling you to have an abortion is not down to your pmdd. And if it was, and thats the only reason the relationship is rocky, then pregnancy will stop that and you can go back on meds after.

Pachyderm1 · 04/01/2019 18:38

You don’t have to have an abortion. You should only have one if it’s what you want.

He made the decision to have unprotected sex so he already accepted the possibility of having a baby.

Please don’t have an abortion just because it’s what he wants.

picklemebaubles · 04/01/2019 18:44

Your relationship became rocky because of TTC and hormones. Won't he consider it may stabilise again after baby is born?

Swipe left for the next trending thread