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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if a parent should apologise?

78 replies

LittleLionMansMummy · 04/01/2019 12:40

As I've got older I've realised more and more that neither of my parents, mostly my mum, never admit to being wrong, nor apologise to me or my sisters for anything. This has always been the case.

Now, I generally have a really good relationship with them - they are warm, generous, loving, kind people. But they are also quite stubborn, jump to inaccurate conclusions and entrenched in some of their opinions.

Something happened over Christmas that prompted me to really stand up for myself with them for probably the first time. They always expect apologies for perceived injustices, but are never forthcoming with them.

Me and dh always assess our reactions in hindsight with our own children and, when we've overreacted, or behaved less and perfectly, we've apologised - explaining that even adults get it wrong sometimes. We take steps to put things right.

This has all got me thinking about whether there is a consensus opinion on whether parents should apologise to young children or not. Admittedly I'm an adult now, but I think a lot of parents probably continue to think it's their prerogative to be 'right' all the way into adulthood.

OP posts:
Gigglebrain · 04/01/2019 12:42

Yanbu. I’ve apologised to my dcs if I’ve got something wrong, and it is important (IMO) that children know adults can get things wrong, and that it’s ok to get things wrong, better than expecting perfection.

hidinginthenightgarden · 04/01/2019 12:42

Children are not inferior beings and should not be treated as such. If you upset an adult you apologise, same should be for children.

BouleBaker · 04/01/2019 12:42

Of course I apologise to my children if I get things wrong. That's how I wish them to behave and so that's the behaviour I attempt to model.

Merryoldgoat · 04/01/2019 12:43

I definitely apologise to my 5yo if I’m in the wrong or have overreacted.

I don’t force him to apologise to me but ask him to think about what he’s done, to understand why I’m angry/upset/disappointed etc and ask him what he thinks should happen next.

Seems to work ok for now.

lifecouldbeadream · 04/01/2019 12:45

Yep- teach by example. You should apologise if you’re in the wrong.....

Didiusfalco · 04/01/2019 12:45

Of course. Firstly because its the right thing to do and secondly because it models good behaviour.

shaggedthruahedgebackwards · 04/01/2019 12:47

I agree with you OP and do the same with my DC

My parents (now in their 70s) are of a generation where acknowledging your mistakes (especially to your own DC) wasn't the done thing.

It does annoy me sometimes when I think back to some of the 'injustices' of my childhood but overall I was raised in a happy family so I don't dwell on it.

PerceptionIsReality · 04/01/2019 12:49

I think a lot of parents probably continue to think it's their prerogative to be 'right' all the way into adulthood

Do you really? I would expect hardly any parents continue to think that way.

adultchildalcoholicparents · 04/01/2019 12:54

I know far too many people who think any apology is a sign of weakness. And it's not as if they make up for their errors in other ways: the concept of restoration or reparation is entirely foreign to them.

Yes, I think appropriate apologies are a good thing, particularly when they are accompanied by suitable actions (if necessary).

Gatehouse77 · 04/01/2019 12:57

I will absolutely apologise if I'm in the wrong with the kids.
Sometimes the apology is about the chosen delivery of the message rather than the words themselves which I will stand by.

SoyDora · 04/01/2019 12:59

Mine are only 5 and 3 but absolutely I will apologise if I’ve got something wrong, or overreacted to something.

Bambamber · 04/01/2019 13:02

Absolutely. Children generally look up to their parents and so parents should lead by example

eddielizzard · 04/01/2019 13:04

Yes absolutely. It's an important life lesson to admit when you're wrong and make amends. Is taking responsibility.

BusyMum47 · 04/01/2019 13:08

Absolutely! I always make a point of apologising to my son (11yrs old) if I feel I've over-reacted or got something wrong or made an assumption or even if I've interrupted him speaking etc. I also make sure to explain why I'm apologising rather than just trotting out the word & carrying on. He appreciates being treated this way & is equally as polite, considerate & apologetic when necessary.

joanmcc · 04/01/2019 13:08

I suspect this will be one of those thread where everybody agrees with the OP (rightly so) and nobody posts to disagree, even though the world is full of stubborn parents who would never think to apologise properly.

BlueBinDay · 04/01/2019 13:09

Sometimes the apology is about the chosen delivery of the message rather than the words themselves which I will stand by

Grin Exactly this.

WillowPeach · 04/01/2019 13:09

Definitely. There is nothing worse than a parent who refuses to admit they’re wrong because they’re the parent. Saying sorry and acknowledging one’s wrongdoing definitely gains respect in my book and it teaches your kids that it’s ok to make a mistake and apologise for it if necessary.

I can’t stand people who are too proud to apologise.

ButDoYouAvocado · 04/01/2019 13:11

I do. My parents absolutely DO NOT and any suggestion that they should results in gaslighting and sulking. Such hard work!

Original poster
LittleLionMansMummy · 04/01/2019 13:11

Do you really? I would expect hardly any parents continue to think that way

Sorry, I wasn't very clear. I think a lot of parents of a certain age particularly are like this - I'm nearly 40 so thinking of those 65+ I suppose. I think younger parents probably have a different perspective - along similar lines to the responses I've had.

OP posts:
Limensoda · 04/01/2019 13:13

My parents never apologised and I'm ashamed to say I tended not to when my children were growing up. I've learned a lot since then and I do apologise to my grandchildren (who I look after a lot) when I'm wrong and I also apologise to my grown up children.
I think it's important to admit when you are wrong and apologise too.

Butchyrestingface · 04/01/2019 13:14

This has all got me thinking about whether there is a consensus opinion on whether parents should apologise to young children or not.

Yes, why not?

I apologise to my stoopid pets if I accidentally scare them/step on a tail/come home later than I said I would. Blush

Would your parents have said "whoops, sorry, silly mummy!" etc if they'd accidentally trodden on your foot, OP?

Ethel36 · 04/01/2019 13:14

Yes I apologise when I am wrong. It's not often but I am human and make mistakes. My eldest child pointed out yesterday that I was treating the children differently because of their age. I thought about it and realised that although my intentions were good and well meaning, she had a valid point- it felt unfair to them. So I apologised and we agreed upon a rule that was the same for everyone.

BlueBinDay · 04/01/2019 13:15

I think younger parents probably have a different perspective - along similar lines to the responses I've had

I'm 60+ and in my experience it's less to do with age and more to do with the character of the person.

SweetAngie · 04/01/2019 13:15

I think a lot of parents probably continue to think it's their prerogative to be 'right' all the way into adulthood

Do you really? I would expect hardly any parents continue to think that way.

I don’t know whether it’s ‘a lot’ or ‘hardly any’, but I certainly never received an apology from my parents or any acknowledgement that they ever made mistakes.

I make sure I say sorry to my dc, over small things and big things.

Believeitornot · 04/01/2019 13:15

My dh isn’t one for apologies until I pointed this out to him. He would only apologise begrudgingly to me before the dcs. After many long discussions about how I feel about this, he is much better.
He fell into similar habits with the dcs and I’ve had to pull him up on it again.
It comes from his parents - they are a family who just don’t like being wrong. It’s wearing especially as it’s done passive aggressively eg “well I’m sorry if I hurt you” or “well I didn’t mean to” or “well it was you’re fault”.

I always apologise to my dcs when necessary and they sometimes remind me - quite reasonably too!