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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if a parent should apologise?

78 replies

LittleLionMansMummy · 04/01/2019 12:40

As I've got older I've realised more and more that neither of my parents, mostly my mum, never admit to being wrong, nor apologise to me or my sisters for anything. This has always been the case.

Now, I generally have a really good relationship with them - they are warm, generous, loving, kind people. But they are also quite stubborn, jump to inaccurate conclusions and entrenched in some of their opinions.

Something happened over Christmas that prompted me to really stand up for myself with them for probably the first time. They always expect apologies for perceived injustices, but are never forthcoming with them.

Me and dh always assess our reactions in hindsight with our own children and, when we've overreacted, or behaved less and perfectly, we've apologised - explaining that even adults get it wrong sometimes. We take steps to put things right.

This has all got me thinking about whether there is a consensus opinion on whether parents should apologise to young children or not. Admittedly I'm an adult now, but I think a lot of parents probably continue to think it's their prerogative to be 'right' all the way into adulthood.

OP posts:
lola006 · 04/01/2019 14:14

I apologise to my DC when I’m wrong. My parents apologised when wrong when I was growing up.

My DH is not the best with apologies. He prefers ‘I didn’t mean...’ over a flat out ‘I’m sorry.’ Where did he learn that? His parents, especially his mother, who are and never will be wrong about anything. It comes across to me as though they’re older, more experienced and therefore can’t be in the wrong.

Jux · 04/01/2019 14:20

My parents would apologise when they got things wrong; they were born in 1917 and 1924, so it's not entirely generational. My mum's brother was not an apologiser in any way shape or form, so it's not upbringing either.

There'll be some societal influence in there, and I suspect some further difference due to intelligence which may have a trickle down effect. It could be simply that research has moved on.

Angelicwings · 04/01/2019 14:22

YANBU. My parents NEVER apologised even when they were completely out of order. My mum was too arrogant/dictatorial. She wouldn't have dreamed of apologising to a subordinate (me).

I do apologise to my DCs if I've made the wrong call or acted hastily or if my reaction was disproportionate etc. I think it's modelling taking responsibility for your own actions if they have fallen short of the mark.

I wouldn't apologise for something like I didn't buy their favourite cereal etc, or we couldn't make an event due to something else. I would say I was sorry they were disappointed though - I'd acknowledge their feelings, but I wouldn't dwell on them.

To be honest my parents did a good job in lots of ways but some of the things they said/did still rankle when I think about them and I know I would never ever treat my DCs like that. My mum in particular would expect me to apologise to her for her being upset (ie disproportionally enraged) over some minor issue that she overreacted to. And it had to be the "right sort" of apology, and grovelly.

ItsQuietTime · 04/01/2019 14:23

When anyone is wrong, they should apologise, and try to make things right.

My MIL always thinks she's right, none of her kids really respect her much because of it. It's a horrible personality trait.

Juanbablo · 04/01/2019 14:23

I apologise to my children. How else will they learn to apologise for their wrongdoings if they don't see it from me?

Nanny0gg · 04/01/2019 14:23

Sorry, I wasn't very clear. I think a lot of parents of a certain age particularly are like this - I'm nearly 40 so thinking of those 65+ I suppose. I think younger parents probably have a different perspective - along similar lines to the responses I've had.

It's more likely to be a personality trait than an age one. (I would think that, I'm past 65). I have had disagreements with my children or told off my DGC and apologised when I've been wrong.

Or just carry on being ageist.

Original poster
LittleLionMansMummy · 04/01/2019 14:30

Or just carry on being ageist.

Nothing ageist meant by it - looking at possible reasons as to why this may (or may not) be more prevalent among certain age groups. Parenting and parenting advice has changed over the years is all, ergo seems likely that perception, reactions ans behaviour management etc have changed over the years too. I meant no offence so please don't look for it.

OP posts:
Bekabeech · 04/01/2019 14:32

My mother would be in her 80s now, and would definitely apologise if she was wrong. She once apologised for "suspecting me of lying" over some missing sweets - when she discovered it was my Aunt not I who had been eating them - and I hadn't even been aware of her suspicions.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/01/2019 14:45

My mother expected me to prostrate myself for perceived slights. It would never have occurred to her then as now that she should apologise.

I was constantly made to feel guilty and insignificant. I was angry and not good at apologising for things I did wrong or owning my mistakes as to do so would mean admitting I am who she said I was. Though I was very good at apologising for my existence.

I think even the better end of parenting could be more guilt inducing than today’s parenting style.

Dh was not much better at apologising either, strong personality and all. However, I have insisted at times he apologise to dd having learnt to do the same myself.

We are only human and has been pointed out upthread we learn by example.

My mother, who is in the older age bracket still sees me as a child and she as my elder and better. She lives in a very rigid world much dictated to her by her parents making her opinions and ways of doing things largely irrelevant.

She is a product of her parenting and has chosen not to move on from that. Otoh many in the younger generations with our outward look on the world and on tap parenting advice at our fingertips are choosing what I consider to be a better way.

Original poster
LittleLionMansMummy · 04/01/2019 14:54

Is there something specific you want them to apologise for?

No, nothing specific, my observations are more about a pattern of behaviour. As has been said, you can apologise for example for the way you spoke to someone, rather than the content of your words (I sometimes do this with ds if I've shouted - I apologise for having shouted, or if I cut him off too soon I'll apologise and ask him to speak to me and I'll shut up for 5 mins and listen). With my parents it's mostly that they always believe they're right and nobody is always right. In many cases there can usually be found a half way house of mutual acceptance of wrong doing.

OP posts:
toomuchtooold · 04/01/2019 15:01

There's a level of emotional skill involved in doing a good apology I think, and it's a nice thing to be able to do, just apologize easily. When I was very young I worked for a while with an extremely posh bloke and I remember him once, he'd made a stupid joke and the other person was all "I'm sorry, I don't quite get what you mean" and instead of getting flustered or backtracking or whatever he just went "oh I'm sorry, I was being facetious, ignore me" and that was it, done. And I thought, I'm learning how to do that. It was like, it was sincere, but it was easily done - at that age I apologised all the time for things that weren't my fault but hated apologising for things that were. Is it to do with age, is it because parents are mostly older these days? I think maybe it's easier to admit you're winging it if you're a bit older and resigned to your own fallibility wiser.

DoYouLikeHueyLewisandTheNews · 04/01/2019 15:07

I say sorry to my child. My mum doesn't apologise to me.

Babdoc · 04/01/2019 15:23

On the (thankfully rare) occasions when I shouted at my DDs for bad behaviour and made them apologise, I always then apologised to them too, for shouting or being cross.
It was partly so they didn’t feel humiliated by being made to say sorry, partly to show that adults have to say sorry too, and partly to show that even kids are entitled to be treated with courtesy and mutual respect.
I wanted them to grow up feeling that it’s natural and good manners to apologise, rather than an admission of powerlessness by children to adults and not returned.
I think I succeeded- they’re now in their late 20’s and passably civilised...Grin

Consolidateyourloins · 04/01/2019 15:38

Or just carry on being ageist.

But that would mean OP is being ageist to herself, as she says she's getting older.

FaFoutis · 04/01/2019 15:40

My children are teenish ages now and I can see the results of being apologised to. They consider the way they have affected other people and they apologise easily.
At that age I was surly, defensive and completely lacking in confidence. My parents never apologised to me, despite the bloody awful behaviour I was exposed to.

jarhead123 · 04/01/2019 15:42

Maybe its a generation thing.

My parents rarely apologised to me, whereas I often say sorry to my kids if I've been unnecessarily moody/shouty etc.

Believeitornot · 04/01/2019 17:12

Although last night I was balancing a cup of coffee on my knee, and it went all over the suite. That was clearly my wife's fault for not giving me a side table

DH is that you?? 🤣🤣🤣

TinklyLittleLaugh · 04/01/2019 17:42

I'm 54. I was sometimes stressed and shouty and smacked when my older kids were small. I have apologized to them as adults and they have been very gracious about it. I am much better with my youngest one and I think they see this and know I have genuinely changed my ways.

OutPinked · 04/01/2019 17:45

YANBU. I always apologise to my DC when I have been out of line. It’s important they understand that they must accept responsibility for their own actions and they won’t do that if I never apologise for my mistakes.

My DM doesn’t apologise to me for her errors and never has, she only ever makes excuses.

megletthesecond · 04/01/2019 17:49

Yes, I've apologised when I've been too harsh or unreasonable.

whyayepetal · 04/01/2019 21:02

When my DD2 was in Y2 at school ( so age 6-7) her teacher got really angry with a little lad who she thought was pretending to be asleep on the coach on the return journey from a school trip. Turned out he wasn't pretending..... and I was in the classroom the following day to witness her apology to him, made in front of the whole class. I was so impressed, and my daughter still remembers it more than10 years on.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 04/01/2019 21:16

What are you all doing wrong that you are apologising for? I understand apologising if you have stepped on them or accidentally hurt them. But what are you classing as unreasonable? Are people apologising for disciplining their dc?

Believeitornot · 04/01/2019 21:35

What are you all doing wrong that you are apologising for

Shouting is my main thing.

Or sometimes I might forget something eg for school.

Or I may blame them for something when it wasn’t them.

These aren’t daily apologies. Just apologies when necessary!

VamillaSugar · 04/01/2019 22:08

My DM absolute refuses to apologise for everything even when it’s clear she’s made a mistake

GabsAlot · 07/01/2019 11:14

my df was like this still is hes never wrong-perosnally i think hes a narc looking back on past behaviour

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