To ask if a parent should apologise?

[LittleLionMansMummy]

As I've got older I've realised more and more that neither of my parents, mostly my mum, never admit to being wrong, nor apologise to me or my sisters for anything. This has always been the case.

Now, I generally have a really good relationship with them - they are warm, generous, loving, kind people. But they are also quite stubborn, jump to inaccurate conclusions and entrenched in some of their opinions.

Something happened over Christmas that prompted me to really stand up for myself with them for probably the first time. They always expect apologies for perceived injustices, but are never forthcoming with them.

Me and dh always assess our reactions in hindsight with our own children and, when we've overreacted, or behaved less and perfectly, we've apologised - explaining that even adults get it wrong sometimes. We take steps to put things right.

This has all got me thinking about whether there is a consensus opinion on whether parents should apologise to young children or not. Admittedly I'm an adult now, but I think a lot of parents probably continue to think it's their prerogative to be 'right' all the way into adulthood.

Definitely apologise if I get it wrong. My children are human beings who deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. I make mistakes, and it helps them and me if I apologise. It shows them no one is perfect and if you make a mistake, you try to make it right.

I always apologise to my DS if I make a mistake that effects him. He is a human being worthy of respect and good manners. He usually apologises to me if he does something wrong (he is 2 so sometimes needs prompting).

Would your parents have said "whoops, sorry, silly mummy!" etc if they'd accidentally trodden on your foot, OP?

Mine certainly wouldn’t, it would have been my fault for getting in the way.

Would your parents have said "whoops, sorry, silly mummy!" etc if they'd accidentally trodden on your foot, OP?

Yes, but they wouldn't have apologised for smacking me. I was smacked twice by my mum growing up. She admits to having regretted it (both occasions were overreaction, which she admits) but she never would have said sorry.

I apologized so much to DTD1 (the more reasonable one) that her second word was "Sorry!" I think she thought it was like hello. Sorry I'm putting you in the buggy first, I need to go and find your sister, sorry I'll get you out of the car in a minute, your sister is kicking off... god love her, she was such a cheery wee thing, I felt so guilty about her always having to wait but she didn't seem to mind. Sorry I know this isn't to the point

I'm in the 65 age group and I have made a point of apologising to anyone (children and or friends) I have felt has been misunderstood or worse .

It is down to the character of the person. Bluebin is right.

My mum also has apologised for things that happened a long time ago that she couldn't help

I had a situation with my mum last year where she was clearly in the wrong. I was really angry and went NC with her for a few weeks, which was wrong but I didn’t know how to raise it with her. She visited and I was rather cool with her. There followed a phone call where she spoke to me as if I was a teenager and how dare I and she has never been so badly treated, she didn’t bring me up to blah blah blah. I gave it too her with both barrels and she still insisted it hadn’t been her fault, everyone else was to blame, I was raising my daughter wrong etc. Only after about an hour of pointing out her behaviour had been really off and had hurt my daughter did she give one of those sorry/not sorry type of apologies. I’m sure she will deal with that type of situation differently next time, but it would have been far easier if she had been upfront at the start and owned up to her mistakes.

I make a point of always apologising to DD and will do so even when she is an adult.

I understand why you asked OP, it seems obvious to apologise if you're in the wrong no matter who you are in the family dynamic, but my parents were the same - no apologies to children. Looking back to my childhood in the 70s it was pretty much the norm with my friends parents too. Part of the 'do as I say, not as I do' mentality but actually all totally lovely in every other way. Just wasn't the done thing for adults to explain much to children or apologise for their behaviour or doing owt wrong where I lived
Funnily enough they are VERY different with DGC now, happy to apologise so that's good I suppose!

I apologise to my children.

My parents never apologise to me as an adult or when I was a child, even if they have been completely unreasonable (for ex my mum can be really snappy when she's stressed out, even if the cause if the stress is nothing to do with any other family members).

I apologize to my DC if I'm in the wrong and my parents have always done the same. How are children supposed to know how to behave if we don't model it for them?

My mother will never admit she is wrong so therefore she has - in her opinion- never any need to apologise. I don’t think she has ever said sorry to me.
My in laws believe that you never ever apologise to your children. No matter what you do.

I apologise to my DD constantly, maybe over compensating for my parents and in laws and maybe because I think I’m such a crappy mum.

I would like my mother to apologise for the lack of support or care she gave me when I was being bullied at school - she brushed me off so effectively the first time that I went to her, in tears, and told her about the bullying, that I never felt able to tell her that it didn't stop (despite her amazingly good advice that sticks and stones would hurt my bones, but calling names couldn't hurt me - bullshit, mum). She didn't bother to follow up and ask if things were getting any better either, so I ended up enduring 5 solid years of it, until I went to Sixth form college, and it has left me with a life long history of depression.

I have told her, in recent years, how bad I felt at school - I was having suicidal thoughts at age 14, which is not normal or good - and she was shocked but didn't apologise.

I recently reminded her of an incident when, as a teenager, I asked her not to smoke in the car because of how ill it made me feel, and she refused point blank to stop - and her response was "Well, that was a long time ago." No apology.

I'd like an apology for how she favoured my younger sister over me, but since I know she would dismiss my recollections of her favouritism in the same way as she dismissed the smoking in the car thing, I'm never going to raise the matter with her.

I apologise to my children, when I get things wrong - even if I think I have done the right thing but they disagree and are upset - I would still apologise. I can't imagine caring so little for their feelings that I would dismiss them so easily and refuse to apologise.

This 100% was the main reason DF and I never got on when I was a teenager. I would be dragged in front of him to apologise, I would do so accepting responsibility for anything on my side. He would say Thank You and no acceptance on any wrongdoing on his side. It drove me crazy so I stopped apologising! We get along much better now but I would never do the same should I have kids in the future. I also often prompt my DM if she has thrown a wobbly at something as she has a tendency to change the subject and pretend something hasn't happened rather than acknowledge it

The reason why they don't apologise is that they don't think they were wrong. The question should really be

To ask if a parent should consider whether they are wrong

or something

Both DH and I apologise to DS if we’ve overreacted and to our cat and dog if we accidentally trip over them or are out longer than usual 😳
My parents have never apologised to me or my brother for anything as children or as adults. And MiL never apologises to DH or his brothers even if she is in the wrong. FiL does apologise if he has made a mistake though. Not convinced it’s an age thing, more of a personality thing... FiL is very laid back and very caring and sensitive to other people feelings where as my mum and MiL althoygh caring in their own way are naturally argumentative and stubborn people.

I agree that parents should apologize. I do try to, I'll admit I find it difficult at times though. I don't know why, maybe it's because of my own upbringing, but it doesn't come naturally to me and I do have to push the words out sometimes. I know I should, but part of me feels words are too easy and I can do better than that and another part of me feels that it's not so bad as to need words. It's weird in my head.

The only apology I can remember from either of my parents (or my father's partners) or even my grandparents was one from my mother after a really really bad incident - very violent with even more violent words said, I thought I'd be dead by morning - and I can't even remember the apology. I just recall she came and sat on my bed the next day, words were said, I went through the motions of agreeing while not really hearing her.

Pretty much every other apology was implied, I guess. My mother would make a particular meal or bake something or buy us something, my father would take us shopping, my maternal grandfather gave me my portion of the inheritance early after I'd immigrated and part of me deeply feels that that was his way of apologizing.

I've no idea why they didn't, my mother's and father's sides of the family were culturally and in every way very different, but neither side seemed to do so. So now, I have to work at it and help my kids to work through it. It comes more naturally to them, but it does need worked at at times (especially with teenager who prefers offering to give things up to actually apologizing or making good).

Don't apologise. Ever. Major sign of weakness. My wife's has stuck to this rule throughout our married life.

My DP’s never apologised to us for anything, ever.

I will always apologise to DS if I am in the wrong, if I’ve over reacted or been unreasonable etc. I always explain myself and give him a big cuddle. DH is not one for apologies, I can count on one hand the amount of times he’s apologised to me over the years.

I believe kids are mirrors of us. What we put in we get back.

I want my children to accept when they are wrong and apologise and act accordingly. So that is what I do. Especially if I’ve been a bit shouty or lost my rag.

My parents always apologised if they felt they'd done something wrong or had been unfair (I'm early 50s so this was in 70/80s). A lot of my friend's parents weren't the same though, I think my parents were unusually kind and liberal

I've always done the same with my DS. It's the right thing to do.

I would apologise,. but I don't think I have ever been in the wrong.

Although last night I was balancing a cup of coffee on my knee, and it went all over the suite. That was clearly my wife's fault for not giving me a side table!

I suspect you know that is bollocks, @Gth1234. Apologising is a sign that you can see you have upset or harmed the other person, and wish to make it right. That's not weakness, it is decency and emotional maturity.

Ahhh - I cross posted with @Gth1234. I call GF.

I always apologise to DC when necessary.
My parents would never admit fault or apologise when they were wrong, which i think is one of the reasons I constantly second guess myself now as an adult. I will do everything I can to never let my child feel this way.

Yes, but they wouldn't have apologised for smacking me. I was smacked twice by my mum growing up. She admits to having regretted it (both occasions were overreaction, which she admits) but she never would have said sorry.

I'm the same age as you and with parents (one now dead) over 70. I was physically chastised countless times as a child and it has never occurred to me to expect them to apologise for that, nor to enquire whether they regretted it. I just chalked it up to a different era (and a combination of other circumstances).

They did apologise for other things, on occasion, mother more than father, as they would do to any other adult in the same situation.

Is there something specific you want them to apologise for?