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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be seriously angry that WE always have to do the visiting?!

85 replies

mrsoscarwilde · 03/01/2019 23:14

I love my family to bits but most of my family live down the country. If I am honest, it is lovely for us to have the best of both worlds, yet it is as if time has frozen still when we go down. I pretend that I don't have another life.

I have had to make the journey down hundreds of times since my kids were babies.

Why do I bother you might ask? It is simply that my children would not have a relationship with their grandparents and cousins if I didn’t make the effort.

I have gotten the ‘we will come up and see you’ promises dished out – even over xmas but never any follow up. I have come to realise that this is a bit like borrowing a book from the library that you never actually read or sharing a Facebook post about homelessness but not actually doing anything remotely socially aware. In your head you feel by promising, you have done something virtuous. But the follow up on a promise is the hard bit.

Ok, we live in a smallish - yet it is a four-bedroom house. Very different to the monstrosities that people tend to build in the country. Yet I have felt that the living arrangements, the facilities are substandard, and this may be the reason why people do not come to visit. I had one family member mention that sleeping arrangements might be an issue when they declared ‘Well? Where shall we sleep?' I had no idea until this point that they had previously grown up in a house the acreage of Downton Abbey! 😊 How ever could one bear the inconvenience?

We live in the capital city. We are lucky to have museums, parks, even the lakes of Wicklow, a short driving distance away. I think it would be lovely for people to make the effort. I understand people have busy lives – we all have! Kids in school all week, and then sports and music lessons, parties and playdates at the weekend. I think it is promising that gets to me. Just be more honest and say you can’t make it.

I guess I feel less than valued in my family. I have been living away and raising kids away from my immediate family and my kids’ cousins. If one of my sisters lived away, I would make it my business to come up and visit. At least once. Even if she lived in a tent.

I have no wish to come across as a victim. I am used to packing bags and heading down. What gets to me is the lack of willingness to share in my life up here.

It is just really pissing me off. I must to be the one to slot in. I have 3 kids and NEWSFLASH! Everyone is busy. I just feel angry about it at this stage.

Anyone relate?

OP posts:
gamerchick · 03/01/2019 23:27

Aren't you tempted to just not go down to see what happens, wait it out type of thing?

Why do they need to change anything when they know you'll go to them?

MrsWillGardner · 03/01/2019 23:27

Yes. We live in central England and husbands brother lives in Wales. Moved there for his wife as she’s Welsh and they’ve decided to raise their kids there. Fair enough. We had our 4th child same time they had their 1st so we drove there to see them once every couple of months. After 3 visits, we stopped. It was too much for us with 4 kids.

Since we stopped, we’ve had another child and so have they. Our youngest is 4 and they’ve never met her.

Their choice as far as I’m concerned but for us to take 5 kids to Wales for one day with nowhere to stay over, would be hugely stressful.

SkaterGrrrrl · 03/01/2019 23:37

Just stop.... No one is holding a gun to your head. I danced around family for years and it was such a relief when I stopped.

parrotonmyshoulder · 03/01/2019 23:39

I’m with in-laws now and have heard all evening about how far it is to come down to visit us. IT’S THE SAME DISTANCE! I feel your pain. No solution though...

poppiesallykatie · 03/01/2019 23:43

Flip it in your head, it is a pain in the arse having to be the one that goes, but the reverse is worse. At least this way you dictate your own pace, you get to go and then leave when you choose. If they come to you, you are stuck on their decisions. Fly free as a bird and take it as a gift!! Grin

TigerQuoll · 04/01/2019 00:36

I have it a little similar, both sisters live on one end of the city I live on the other (about 45 minutes). Parents live in a village an hour from the city (on sisters' side). Aunt & uncle live half-way on the highway and grandparents in same village as parents. I have visited my sisters dozens of times - they've come here once since I moved over a year ago. Family BBQs etc are usually at parents' house so 3-4 hours driving on those days for me. I feel left out occasionally but I know they would come if I specifically invited them (would feel guilty making them pack up babies and stuff to come visit). One sister used to live 10 minutes up the road but specifically moved to be near the other sister so I was a little hurt by that :-(

In some ways it is good as the house can be as messy as it wants, never have to clean up for visitors or try to figure out what to make to eat, can leave all my gardening projects half finished. I'm also a little introverted and having a bunch of people at my place and being responsible for them would make me stress out!

OP I think to solve the problem you have to specifically invite them - start making noises about wanting to host Christmas, and investigate nearby hotels/caravan parks so you can tell them where good places to stay are (so they don't expect you will accommodate them all). It could just be a matter of them not wanting to make a big effort to come when they're not sure you really want them to come, if they need to invite themselves!

WingsofNylon · 04/01/2019 00:53

It is annoying, so I feel your pain. However, it is common for the person who left to come back to the place of origin. There are more of them then there are of you, I presume? So it makes more sense that you do more trips. But 'more' shouldn't mean 'all'.

Keep inviting them. As long as you do genuinely have room for them to sleep. Just keep saying, 'it is our turn to host you.'

rosablue · 04/01/2019 02:10

Next time it’s time for a visit, be very explicit about inviting them to stay. Point out that you have been to them lots and they haven’t been to you and that you find this hurtful as well as unfair. If they quibble about the arrangements explain it all and say that it will work just fine and is no more awkward than staying there. If they quibble about distance point out that it is exactly the same distance for you to travel and they’ve expected you to do several times with kids in tow too so actually for them to do it makes it an easier journey without kids than it does for you with kids.

If they still make excuses, be like a dog with a bone - just keep saying that you don’t understand why they will not come even once, it’s not fair, it’s not like you like doing the journey either, everybody prefers to be the host and not travel so that means that they need to travel to you sometimes too. That it’s as if they don’t live you enough to bother to come to see you. That they expect people to do what they want rather than being democratic about it.

And add questions - why will they not come? What needs to happen for them to come? Why should you come to visit them when for you, it’s more inconvenient for you to vis

junebirthdaygirl · 04/01/2019 03:31

Do you specifically invite them, naming a weekend eg parents up for dcs birthday. A lot of country people hate driving in the city. Would it be that? Could you arrange for dps to get the train up.
I wouldn't take it personally as l think a lot of people are in the same boat.
As you live in lreland l was thinking do you have a first communion you could invite them to. Or have the cousins up for a little holiday which could be exciting for them.
Saying all that l usually visited my parents. They seldom came to me as a little stuck in their own routine. It never worried me as l accepted that, my kids loved the visits and l was in charge of when l came and when l left. Reading about annoying family visitors here made me appreciate that.

Tweety1981 · 04/01/2019 03:40

Don’t bother .... Reclaim your weekends 😊

BumbleBeee69 · 04/01/2019 03:57

why bother, your Kids are not going to travel down to see these cousins when they grow up, somstop being a martyr and stop in the comfort of your own home, screw them.

flumpybear · 04/01/2019 04:01

How about inviting them for a weekend? Give specific sets of dates 'hi you said you'd live to visit, we're free on xxxxxx and xxxx - which works for you?'

flumpybear · 04/01/2019 04:02

How about inviting them for a weekend? Give specific sets of dates 'hi you said you'd live to visit, we're free on xxxxxx and xxxx - which works for you?'

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/01/2019 04:25

Yes I relate. Dhs family is not in the U.K. but is the same. For a time we lived just over an hour away from them. They only visited once when we laid on a party in their honour and dh did a lot of prep work. In fact when we go to visit his father they can’t be bothered to drive there from the next village. I’m disabled and chronically ill so these days we rarely see them now.

Seniorschoolmum · 04/01/2019 04:25

I spent 20 years in London. My dm didn’t visit once. Years later she admitted she was intimidated by the “big city”, not sure of her ability to cope, she hated the bustle & liked to stay in her rural area where she knew everyone and didn’t feel threatened.

Maybe your older relatives feel a bit like this?

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/01/2019 04:28

Oh and people from my family bar parents seldom visited when abroad or to see us as we are no longer local. We used to make plans for my sibling to come. He and his wife would supposedly be looking at flights to come on x date then it would be radio silence. Dh and I used to sit and joke that they’d call us on the specific day to collect them from the airport. Of course as usual the date came and went never to be mentioned again.

Stopyourhavering64 · 04/01/2019 04:37

I live 360 miles from my family and in 23 yrs since moving south, my brothers and sister have only visited ONCE!....
I've always had to travel with my 3 dcs to visit them- and we have to stay in self catering accommodation as there's no room at their houses/ hotels
We live in a beautiful part of the country which is a popular UK holiday destination with loads of places to visit and accommodation , so it's not that there's nothing to do/ places to stay
I've decided to live my own life

Melody1234 · 04/01/2019 04:57

@parrotonmyshoulder I’m with in-laws now and have heard all evening about how far it is to come down to visit us. IT’S THE SAME DISTANCE! I feel your pain. No solution though...

This made me laugh! I have had this conversation so many times. Unless they are suggesting you meet somewhere in the middle, it is exactly the same distance if you visit them as if they visit you. How do people not get that?! Hmm

mathanxiety · 04/01/2019 05:05

We made almost all the running with exH's parents and his siblings (they all lived in the same city).

It involved a nine hour road trip for us each way.

The year we decided not to go for Christmas exMIL's nose was out of joint for months.

it is as if time has frozen still when we go down. I pretend that I don't have another life.

This bit is hard though, and it bespeaks a certain unhealthy dynamic in your family, namely enmeshment. I take it also that you are the only one who has moved away?

PersonaNonGarter · 04/01/2019 05:20

This is all very vague. If you don’t invite them for a date/purpose, and you don’t have anywhere for them to stay, then it isn’t much of an invite really.

mathanxiety · 04/01/2019 20:43

I think it's a problem that the family needs an invitation, that it clearly wouldn't cross their minds to pick up the phone and say hey, we're taking the kids to the zoo and could we stay the night before so we can hit the zoo as soon as it opens? Or some other attraction - there are plenty around Dublin.

These people are incredibly wrapped up in their own lives in their own place and that is odd.

I think the op is worried that if she never made a trip back to see them they might forget she existed.

Original poster
mrsoscarwilde · 05/01/2019 22:34

Thank you all so much posters!!

Felt I was going mad and happy that it is a common feeling.

My mother in law had similar experience. She believes it is not out of badness but people just getting cosy with family being around and they just don't think about it.

Have been feeling very sorry for myself about it :(

OP posts:
greendale17 · 05/01/2019 22:37

YABU- you were the one who left.

Odiepants · 05/01/2019 22:46

Exactly the same with my in-laws who moved to live near BIL and his family. In 20 years they haven't come to us with the exception of our wedding because it's a long way to travel. Strangely though it's not too far to expect us to do it for the day and with a child.

ReflectentMonatomism · 05/01/2019 22:48

We live in a large city. My in-laws live in a larger city, a 90 minute train ride away. My in-laws had, for this purpose, limitless time and limitless money. They very rarely visited (two or three times over twenty years), and missed out on most of their (only) grandchildren’s childhood. We did what we could, but the children were busy at the weekends so we visited a couple of times a year, maybe four at most. The kids played in concerts, performed in plays, and the in-laws didn’t see any of it.

Because we didn’t live next door, I suspect, and therefore didn’t see why they should travel when we should just move back to live next door.

Their loss.